The Sexualtiy Box……

I recently heard of a 14 year old girl that “came out” to her mother as  pan-sexual.  How does a 14 year old know more about being pan-sexual than most adults? And where did she learn that from? What is she learning in the school? And why has our society become so sex obsessed? What is pan-sexual?  And why doesn’t the definition make any sense?   School is for learning and preparation for the future. Why aren’t more American kids coming out of school prepared? They can tell you everything about sex but can’t  spell a simple word, don’t know geography, and don’t let me get started on math.  I’m not saying this is true of all American students but its true for quite a bit. Why should kids be educated on sexuality when most can’t spell the word or understand the meaning? Childhood is fleeting. You have your whole life to worry about sex, and sexuality why put yourself in a box at such a young age? I feel sorry towards the generations coming after me; they are truly in trouble if their concern is sex and gender based.

On a very basic biological level scientists use our DNA to identify us. And what can DNA tell us? It can tell us whether the individual is male or female, xx or xy. DNA can tell us about hair color, eye color, diseases and a few other very basic things.

DNA is the most scientific way to identify a person. It doesn’t tell you much, but it tells you about the biological make up of a person. And from DNA we learn that a person on a biological level can only be male or female.  If biologically a person can only be male or female then why are some people determined to undermine science and nature to   create new genders?   Why does Facebook now have 51 different genders? In the beginning God created man and woman. Biologically and  scientifically there is only  male and female.  Gender does not only encompass one’s feelings about their gender but it encompasses the physical attributes as well. For example, when a baby is born they tell you “Congratulations it’s a boy by looking between the baby’s legs and seeing the penis, or if they see a vagina they say “it’s a girl,” should we wait to differentiate the sex of babies until they can tell us how they feel?    At the end of the day if you left behind DNA the only thing one  could tell about your identity as far as sex, is whether you are a male or female. That is the truth and that is reality.

But the point of  this blog is not to argue about being male or female. It’s to tell people that your sexuality, sexual identity and sexual preference do not define who you are.  You are more than who you’re attracted to, and  you are more than what you choose to do with your genitals. Why put yourself in a box?  Being pan-sexual, transsexual, homosexual, bi sexual, heterosexual and whatever other sexual there is out there is a very tiny aspect of who you are, at least it should be. Your sexuality should not define you. There is more to life than living and functioning solely based on your sexuality.

What legacy are you going to leave behind?  What are your goals? What are your dreams? What are you passionate about?  What type of a person are you? What characteristics define you? These things  play a bigger role in one’s identity than sexuality alone. There are too many people trapped in the web of using sexuality to identify themselves.  Why do you need the acceptance of others? I wonder if it’s because you have a hard time accepting yourself  and sexual choices.  And if you can’t accept yourself, or the choices you’re making maybe you’re making the wrong choice and you’re not so sure about who you are.

The most important thing I have to share. God loves you just as you are in this very moment. He loves you  the homosexual, the transgender, the pan-sexual, the heterosexual or whatever else it you identify yourself as. He wants you to come as you are. He truly wants to have a relationship with you, and He sees you for who you are aside from your sexuality and gender identification. God will meet you where are you. He didn’t just die for the “normal” or what society thinks is normal and good He died for everybody.  He loves you, He loves you so much, and I hope that today You would encounter the love of God.  And guess what even if you don’t choose Him, or believe in Him He still loves you.

So I ask again, who are you?  Setting aside your sexuality, even your gender, you are most definitely human.  And being human means that you are made in the image of the living God, and He has a much bigger plan and purpose for your life outside of your sexuality.

What the World Won’t Publicly Ackknowledge

This is off topic with what my blog is usually about but I felt a strong desire to share this with my readers.

The persecution of Christians is on the rise however, very few people want to acknowledge it  or seem to care. Acknowledging the persecution of Christians in the middle east and elsewhere, such as North Korea is not defaming other religions. In order to protect the integrity of one religion should we ignore the atrocities done in the name of that religion? Why should this be a touchy subject? Don’t Christian lives matter too?  And if they do why won’t the world acknowledge the blood of Christians that is being spilled across the middle East, Africa, and North  Korea? God Help us.

We are all human regardless of race, religion or gender. We are all made in the image of God. We all have value and we all have the right to live. The wonderful news  is that  no matter what you believe or don’t God still loves you, He still wants you and He accepts you.

I have linked some articles to bring awareness to the plight of Christians globally.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jan/13/christians-flee-growing-persecution-africa-middle-easthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/martin-shapiro/where-is-the-world-christ_b_7545896.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/martin-shapiro/where-is-the-world-christ_b_7545896.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/martin-shapiro/where-is-the-world-christ_b_7545896.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/09/christian-persecution-sub-saharan-_n_6428520.html

http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/17/world/christian-persecution-2015/

Another Chance…..

Wouldn’t it be nice to be born again? To get a chance to have a fresh start and completely erase all the horrible things you’ve done and all the horrible things that have been done to you. I watched a movie about a girl that was physically abused by her mother. Because of that abuse she was a very damaged adult  that did pretty terrible things. Being overwhelmed by the guilt of the things she had done and unable to forget what had been done to her  she ended up committing suicide . She ended  her life with the hope that she would be born again and have a better life. I could never really understand the reasoning behind incarnation but after watching this film, I get it.

I too, have said many times that I want another chance, ” God give  me the chance to be born again, to live a different life, to make better choices.” I’ve said so in fits of anger, and pain, forgetting that as a Christian I have been born again.  That I too, will die and have a fresh start in heaven but not only in heaven here on earth as well.  Because Jesus died for me I am not shacked by the mistakes of my past, or of the pain inflicted upon me by others and myself. I am free. I may never forget what I have done or what was done to me but because I know I am free  I can choose to live a better life. I have hope in Christ that tomorrow will be better than today.

Sometimes life can be painful. Living itself, being human is painful. Maybe you want another chance but you don’t see a way out. Maybe, you’re too scared to stop what you’re doing and try something different.  Or maybe you feel like you deserve to suffer or be punished because of  the things you’ve done or things others have done to you.  What I want to say is this,”In Jesus Christ you have another chance, in fact because He loves you so much you have many chances. There is hope to live a better life and make a different choice, a better choice and you don’t need to be reincarnated for that.

In terms of sexual abuse or sexual activity it can feel like you’re forever marked or scarred by what has happened to you or by your choices.  It can feel like you’re stuck, stuck forever with the remnants of your past  forever stained and wounded on the inside. Because its your body, a body that you can’t change you may feel like in this life “I will never have another chance, because no amount of washing, or cutting, or starving, will ever make me clean again.”  But I’m here to tell myself and to tell you that in this life you can have another chance. Jesus sees you and in Him you are whole, He sees you and He wants you to come as you are.  At least, that is my hope, and my belief. Tomorrow will be better than today. Choose to be free.  God bless.

Image by Judy Prosser http://www.judyprosser.com.au/prints&cards/Prints/309.htm

God loves you

Good Morning,

I would be doing an injustice on this blog if I didn’t mention the love of God.  God loves you. He wants you. He understands you.  He wants to save you from your sin and your  suffering and give you peace. Perhaps by saying this I am reminding myself of the love God has for me.

I’ve been at the very bottom. Struggling since I can remember with self worth, struggling with abusing my body, and abusing my mind even today. Sin has had a strong hold but in Christ I know I am free.

How could God love a vile person such as me? Well,He just does. Jesus loves me and He loves you too. His love is free, you don’t have to earn it, you don’t have to starve yourself for it, or cut yourself, or be abused, you don’t need to be beautiful to get it, He just loves you and me.   Because Jesus suffered and died for my sins I do not have to have to punish myself, I do not have to be weighed down by guilt. In Jesus Christ I am free and you can be too.

We are looking for love. Looking for acceptance.  Some of us looking for riches, for fame. We all want validation. But that is the hunger and the thirst  that our souls have for God. We feel if we have love from a man it will satisfy our longings, ease the ache in our chest, and give us peace. But you can have a good man and still be uneasy ,still be discontent, still feel empty because no man will ever love you the way that God loves you and no man can give you what God can.

Men will leave you, they disappoint you but God has always been there. He’s been there even in those times when you have felt alone. The times you feel used, ugly, worthless, the times you clinged shamelessly to a person that doesn’t want you anymore. God has been there. He’s been there when you’ve cried into your pillow, when you have self- destructed. God has been there. He’s always been there because God is love and He loves you.

The best advice I would give to anyone struggling with life, with themselves, is to cry out to God. Cry to Jesus. He’s there no matter what you have done, are doing or where you are or where you have been.  He wants to love you and He accepts you . Only God can take the ugliness of our sin and make it into something beautiful. God Bless you.

A Hurt that Won’t Quit

Do all children that have been sexually abused, objectified and exploited all grow up into adults that have a hard time feeling loved?

I have a hard time feeling love. A part of me knows I am loved but there is a part of me that can’t quite accept the love of the men in my life. I have a nagging voice in my head and aching anxiety in my heart that makes me feel like I am not loved.

It’s painful, a hurt that won’t quit. No matter how much my father tells me he loves me, no matter what he does for me I still feel unloved by him. Like a child I constantly need his assurance of love and he has to assure me the way I want to be assured. Every day he has to tell me he loves me. Every day I need hugs and validation that I am loved and accepted by my father.

With my boyfriend its even worse. Everyday multiple times a day I tell him I love him with the expectation of him saying it back. After seven years he has said it more times than I can think to remember, but it’s still not enough for me.

I have searched through him, underneath and above him trying to find the answer, trying to feel loved, looking to him for acceptance. But he is only human; there are limits to what he can do. I am emotionally draining because I am emotionally drained myself.

Despite my knowing that nothing was taken from me on the day of the death of my nine year old self, it still feels like a part of me is missing. Something is missing, I can feel it. I feel this painful hole, this void of loveless-ness and unworthiness within my chest.

I sometimes revert back to that girl crying on the shower flow. But it’s more than crying its mourning, it’s a grief that comes from deep within my belly causing my whole body to distort. It is painful. I wrote a letter to my nine year old self trying to make peace, but how can I make peace when my soul is crying out for justice. Where is justice for me? Where is my peace? It’s not in this world of that I am sure.

He sees me crying for hours over the simplest things. But 90 percent of the time the pain I feel has nothing to do with petty, insignificant matters he just happens to scratch the surface of a wound that never healed. And like a wound just a touch, makes it bleed and bleed and bleed. All the tears I never cried I am crying now. All the pain I couldn’t feel I feel it now.

Pain, pain and more pain is what that man gave to me.  He was the first man to use and dump me. He was the first person to make me feel like a pile of garbage, like nothing, like I was not human.

Broken People

Maria Kreyn Alone together

We are broken. And we take our brokenness and damage other people with it, especially the ones that we love. Our jagged, fractured pieces ripple outward damaging, and ruining everything and everyone around us. In the end we all end up broken, our pieces swept in a dark corner. And all you feel is the pain, more pain, pain and more pain.

Frantically we try to put the pieces back into place, but it seems the more we try to fix those shattered pieces of ourselves the smaller those pieces get.

How am I supposed to love another broken, fragmented person? How am I supposed to cope when I never learned how to? How can I love myself when I all I see is the destruction I have caused? I see destruction written all over my body. My words are explosive, destroying the people around me. Shattering the people I don’t to want break. Why can’t I just self -destruct? Pain. It hurts. My heart hurts. Why can’t I accept your love? Why can’t I love myself? Why do I cry endlessly without ceasing over you?

Love is yelling, love is screaming, love is breaking, and love is pain. Loving you hurts me. So I break you. I break you with my words. I shatter you into smaller pieces. I crush you to bits. Then I cry because I want you to put us back together again. Put me back together again. Fix me. Help me. Mend me. Make me whole again. Repair what was damaged from so long ago. I am your mess because I can’t deal with myself. Erase the destruction; And in doing so we break into tiny pieces all over again.

The human condition without Christ is a broken mess. We are born broken. And we get fractured along the way. Some of us are smashed to bits by the time we reach adulthood. And we cry huddled over in dark spaces. We sob endlessly; asking the walls for help to take this ache away. Ultimately we are hopeless broken pieces trying to make ourselves whole. We are self-destructive by nature. Hopeless. Defeated. Damaged and doomed for destruction. But in our brokenness we feel the endorphins surge so we damage ourselves even more. More and more, more and more damage until we can’t put ourselves back together. We are broken.

But in Christ we have hope, a hope to be whole and made new again. And that is my hope for you. Healing for us.

Patriarchal Pornography

“If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” Mathew 5:9

As a woman I am offended when I hear other women making excuses for their husbands and boyfriends infidelity or use of pornography. Why is the woman always at fault? I overheard a conversation between two married women. One kept pointing out that men need sex, and when a woman is not fulfilling her role in the bedroom it drives him to porn. Well women need sex too, maybe even more than a man does. The vagina has so many different pleasure points, and our orgasms are more intense. I have never heard a woman say well my “man” isn’t satisfying me so I am going to whip out my turbo vibrator and 12 inch dildo and watch Big Dick porn. When are women going to let men take accountability for their actions?

I hear that excuse all the time. That is not reason enough for me. Let’s face it we all need to get off. Men have a strong sex drive but so do women. And I am not talking about single men; I am referring to men who get “the pussy” served to them on a platter every night or at least some nights. Whatever happened to self control? Whatever happened to being a team? Whatever happened to selflessness? And for the women who blame and condemn their other female counter parts for going to bed in baggy clothes and not feeding their husbands appetites pray that it does not happen to you. Do you think she wants an obtrusive penis inside her when she knows her husband’s been jacking his dick to the images of another woman’s vagina and butt hole? Do you think she wants his hands that have imagined caressing another woman around her? Do you think she wants to share her nakedness with someone who pays to go to the strip club and look at pornography? Would you? Would you want that man touching you after seeing the images of what he pleasures himself too?

Where is the respect? Stop blaming women. Stop blaming her because of what she is wearing or what she’s not. Stop blaming her for being drunk. Stop blaming her for being naive and trusting. Stop blaming her for being human and not a sex toy. Stop blaming women for men’s shortcomings.

If you are having  an intimacy problem pornography, strip clubs and affairs make it worse. If you want to better your sex life then you need to better the emotional aspect of the relationship. Instead of hoping on Ashley Madison or porn sites, ask her, ask her why she does not want to sleep with you. Tell her I want to try new positions. Communicate with your partner. Using lack of sex or lack of her sexiness as an excuse for watching porn is just going lead to you using your hand more and losing intimacy with your partner.
If you have a problem with lust and porn it’s your problem, your fault and not your partners. How about blocking the porn from your computer? How about not to the strip club?

If your eye is causing you to sin, to stray then fix your eye. Don’t blame the porn that you’re looking at and the wife or girlfriend that you’re not looking at, blame yourself. Only you can fix you.

I want to add that all the destruction, all the damage and pain that pornography causes in your relationships God can heal. There is hope, happiness and love for you too.

Happy Wednesday

This made morning and put a smile on my face, hope it does the same for you.

The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

The Weed

Sexpectations89

I was never treated delicately like a flower, but rather I have always been tossed about, picked at, pulled at and thrown away like a weed. And in harsh environments I thrive. Like the weed I am  neglected, stepped on, forgotten only remembered as a nuisance. I am fun only for a moment but never cherished or treasured like a beautiful flower. Maybe I am admired from afar because at times I have beautiful petals,  and because I am rooted firmly into the ground, but when it is discovered that I am nothing but  a common weed I am despised. And in harsh environments I thrive, in bad relationships, with cruel treatment I thrive and unlike a flower that wilts I stand strong.

This is for women that have been abused  and now struggle with self mutilation, eating disorders, flashbacks, those like myself that suffer with obsessive thinking…

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Grace

I am not one to comment on “celebrity” stuff but in this case I felt compelled to.

By now I am sure that most people have read about the Joshua Duggar scandal. I read his letter of apology not only to his family but to his fellow Christians as well.  I would hope that as Christians we would all show this young man grace. This scandal is one of two that have followed the idealized Christian Duggar family.

Instead of seeing failure, shame and hypocrisy I see human beings. Christians are humans too, and like everyone else we sin. Like everyone else we struggle with sin. I have heard people condemn Josh Duggar, and question his salvation. Josh Duggar suffers from a human condition that we all suffer with, something innate in us from the day that we are born. Sin. The potential for sin is in all of us, Christian and non Christian alike. We all have the potential to steal, to lie, to be a glutton, to fornicate, to practice homosexuality, it is in us. For those of us who know better because of our parents or because God Himself has convicted us we must remember to show grace because it through grace that we have been saved.

I am a Christian. But for almost a decade of my life I struggled with sin. If you have read my blog you may know that I was involved in a casual sex lifestyle. I used to tell my partners about God. I was a hypocrite but hypocrisy is part of the human condition at one point or another we are all guilty of it. I prayed and prayed for years for God to help me because there were times I wanted to stop. I prayed and I prayed, I read my bible but I still fell back into sleeping around. My transformation was not overnight, it was not an instant fix. It was a long and arduous journey. It took time and I am still a work in progress. As the song says “Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me I once was lost but now am found was blind but now I see.” Only God can take someone like myself so broken, ugly and damaged by sin and transform me into someone whole, beautiful and complete in Him.

God can turn this situation around for Josh Duggar. God can use him as a vessel to testify and to help other men that struggle with infidelity and pornography. This ugly situation can be transformed and that is our hope in God. I hope in a God that makes the impossible possible. I hope in a God that came to save the likes of me a very sick woman, that of Josh Duggar and countless of others.
If God can take the apostle Paul, a man who persecuted Christians and turn him into a stalwart of the faith, just imagine what God can do for you. With this post Christian or not I hope that in your life you will practice showing others grace.

“What can wash away my sin,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
What can make me whole again,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow, Oh,
No other fount I know, Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

Robert Lowry