Tag Archives: feminism

Patriarchal Pornography

“If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” Mathew 5:9

As a woman I am offended when I hear other women making excuses for their husbands and boyfriends infidelity or use of pornography. Why is the woman always at fault? I overheard a conversation between two married women. One kept pointing out that men need sex, and when a woman is not fulfilling her role in the bedroom it drives him to porn. Well women need sex too, maybe even more than a man does. The vagina has so many different pleasure points, and our orgasms are more intense. I have never heard a woman say well my “man” isn’t satisfying me so I am going to whip out my turbo vibrator and 12 inch dildo and watch Big Dick porn. When are women going to let men take accountability for their actions?

I hear that excuse all the time. That is not reason enough for me. Let’s face it we all need to get off. Men have a strong sex drive but so do women. And I am not talking about single men; I am referring to men who get “the pussy” served to them on a platter every night or at least some nights. Whatever happened to self control? Whatever happened to being a team? Whatever happened to selflessness? And for the women who blame and condemn their other female counter parts for going to bed in baggy clothes and not feeding their husbands appetites pray that it does not happen to you. Do you think she wants an obtrusive penis inside her when she knows her husband’s been jacking his dick to the images of another woman’s vagina and butt hole? Do you think she wants his hands that have imagined caressing another woman around her? Do you think she wants to share her nakedness with someone who pays to go to the strip club and look at pornography? Would you? Would you want that man touching you after seeing the images of what he pleasures himself too?

Where is the respect? Stop blaming women. Stop blaming her because of what she is wearing or what she’s not. Stop blaming her for being drunk. Stop blaming her for being naive and trusting. Stop blaming her for being human and not a sex toy. Stop blaming women for men’s shortcomings.

If you are having  an intimacy problem pornography, strip clubs and affairs make it worse. If you want to better your sex life then you need to better the emotional aspect of the relationship. Instead of hoping on Ashley Madison or porn sites, ask her, ask her why she does not want to sleep with you. Tell her I want to try new positions. Communicate with your partner. Using lack of sex or lack of her sexiness as an excuse for watching porn is just going lead to you using your hand more and losing intimacy with your partner.
If you have a problem with lust and porn it’s your problem, your fault and not your partners. How about blocking the porn from your computer? How about not to the strip club?

If your eye is causing you to sin, to stray then fix your eye. Don’t blame the porn that you’re looking at and the wife or girlfriend that you’re not looking at, blame yourself. Only you can fix you.

I want to add that all the destruction, all the damage and pain that pornography causes in your relationships God can heal. There is hope, happiness and love for you too.

Feminism, Casual Sex and Open Relationships

This is an educational piece and I would ask that everyone read this carefully. I was inspired to write this after having a discussion on Thought  catalog about casual sex. There is a lot of confusion that surrounds casual sex practices. Before you do it, know what is about then make an informed decision. Great news,  common sense does not require a degree. Happy reading :).

Casual sex and open relationships are like apples and oranges, both are fruits but both are different.

An open relationship is where both partners agree that they can have sexual relations with others. I have no experience with open relationships so I can’t say much on it but I do believe a lot of women pushing for this Casual  Sex Movement/Hookup Culture, and its” freedoms” want and are involved in open relationships. They want the relationship and emotional connectedness that casual sex lacks, and they want the freedom of sleeping with other people or mainly  the ability to accept openly that their partner is sleeping  with other people without feeling humiliated or judged. In my book I mention   that women want the intercourse and men want the sex. When you join private parts its called sexual intercourse, with an open relationship it seems that both parties get what they want? I believe that some of these feminist, and women really want a relationship because  they talk about connecting with the other person. Casual sex is not about connecting emotionally, lets join private parts, that is the only connection. When I hear women defending casual sex as this emotionally satisfying situation that is not selfish, and has regard for the other person and people around them  I think, “You my dear are misinformed,”if that is the case you are not involved in the casual sex  lifestyle.

The pattern I see is women still wanting the relationship, the connection, the friendship, the care, and  the concern, so why shove this idea of casual sex and its perks down other peoples throats when you have not experienced, or lived it, when you want a relationship and not casual sex? Why encourage other women , young women to go down a path that more than likely leads to misery when you get to have your cake and eat it too.  I would ask that these women, and  men stop misleading our youth about casual sex and talk about their convenient open relationships instead.  

It is essential to define the relationship because then you can properly act and make an informed choice. Casual sex is that  grey area  between black and white but its still grey, and the fact that it is grey is not left up to perception its factual. How you navigate through an open relationship is completely different from how you would engage in casual sex. One is inclusive of a relationship, connection, and sharing, a soft place to rest your head at night knowing that this man is there, the other is lonely, there is no care or concern and there should be no expectation of any form of emotional support.

Casual sex then becomes the cop out  and scapegoat for an open relationship. No woman really wants to admit that, “Hey I’m in an open relationship, he has sex with whoever he wants, I have sex with who I want but we support each other emotionally, we just choose to have different sex partners simultaneously or at the same time.” Be honest, it’s a little embarrassing, and humiliating. Stop pushing polyamory and disguising it as casual sex. Besides society is more accepting of casual sex than of open or polyamorous  relationships. .People understand having multiple partners to a point but its harder to understand being in a relationship but wanting to have sex with other people and the other person having knowledge of that. One must ask the question then why even bother being in a relationship? Does that man even love or care about you? Do you really care about him? So some choose to call it casual sex, which is insulting to anyone like myself who has engaged in casual sex and it is misleading to the people who have not engaged in casual sex.

There is confusion about what casual sex is and isn’t. The word “casual”  is lack of commitment ,devoid of emotion, and sex is your penis or vagina, putting t the two terms, action and parts, together  there is no room left  for concern, or this lasting partnership or friendship; if so you  were  or are more than likely in an open relationship.  ” Casual sex” is supposed to be easy, no stings,  but because of  the way our bodies fit together during sex it does not work out that way all the time. Someone,  more than likely the woman catches feelings from just the touch of a penis and she is confused. The act of sex alone tells you that there is nothing casual about it, yet some  continue to push the notion that “casual” sex exists. There is nothing casual about a penis penetrating your vagina. I don’t understand why feminist get angry when I say that casual sex is selfish, its supposed to be, isn’t that what they are fighting for “sexual freedom”and  women can have sex just like a man.” But no, they are mistake and confused because they don’t even understand what casual sex is, they bend it to fit a convenient description of an open relationship. And we go back to the point that women engaging in casual sex want some form of a RELATIONSHIP.

 Casual sex is selfish, no one goes out of their way to have a one night only to consciously think about how it will affect the next person. Who does that? Seriously, in what world, what fantasy, fairy tale, fiction does someone have casual sex with you and think hmm I wonder how she will feel afterwards? How will this affect my family and friends close to me? This type of thinking is not realistic. And if you do have casual sex with that mindset it is not for you.

Don’t get an open relationship confused with casual sex. Please, ladies for your own well being don’t confuse the two. If you want an open relationship fine, if you want to have casual sex that is fine too, but please don’t hide behind one and skew its meaning because your lifestyle is not as accepted.

You need to respect the behavior and live in the reality of the situation not a sugar coated version of what it could be, not a rationalization that casual sex or an open relationship is this great amazing experience full of love and care, and connection. Stop pretending. In this  moment I ask, that you be real with yourself.

Selling Your Sex,Pop Culture and Real Life

I made it personal this time, its not just selling sex, it’s selling Your sex. Many women do this, thinking maybe it is freeing, its empowering, this is feminism to be able to prance around half naked, and gyrate on stage or in public without being objectified. Well, not only are you objectifying your self but you are allowing and encouraging others to objectify you as well. Pop culture is saturated with women selling their sex, using their sexualtiy to build an audience, to stand out, and to sell whatever product it is they are endorsing.I can think of countless of names but to me these women are irrelevant because they know that what’s on camera does not always translate well in real life.

Very few women are able to monetize substantially, if at all, from selling their sexualuty. I am not only referring to sew workers but to women, especially young women that use their sexuality as a tool to  for whatever purpose. They walk around ass cheeks hanging out, stomach out, breasts out, and they call it empowering, they say its freeing, and if you objectify them you are the lowest of the low. What these young women don’t understand is they are objectifying themselves, “look at me,” “look at my body,” even I a heterosexual woman looks not at them, but at their exposed body parts because in that moment that’s all I see. You choose the way people treat you most of the time. If you treat yourself like a toy other people will treat you the same way, why should I care or respect her if she doesn’t respect herself?

When you sell your sexuality you leave yourself  open to harsh criticisms, people look at you with a microscope, “look at her cellulite, her thighs touch, her butts too flat, her boobs are uneven, her ass is hanging out, ” you feel the heat of their eyes scrutinizing every inch of you looking for the perfection they may see in a magazine or on TV but this is real life.  Is worrying about cellulite and stretch marks empowering? Is trying to look as perfect as the airbrushed images in the magazine that freeing? If  you walk out and every guy hits on you does that make you beautiful? What happens when the whistles, and honks stop? Selling and owning your sexuality are two different things. Owning your sexuality is not dependent on the attention of other’s.

Real life is very different than a music video, or movie. Many of these women don’t  care about half of what they are getting paid to say or do, and  many don’t live  out their lyrics or  roles on TV  in real life. Young women don’t be fooled. Its one thing to sell yourself, be famous and make millions off it, its another to sell yourself for attention, or power, or love and have nothing to show for it. I’ll tell you a secret, what you have on your chest and between your legs every woman has. You’re no more special than the next woman. Educating your mind is how you empower self. Self- awareness is freedom.

Last point. Sex is not about murdering your vagina, its not about beating it to the point where you can’t walk, or where you bleed,  and it’s not about tearing you a new one. That’s brutality, unless you enjoy pain. Sex should be enjoyment for you and your partner.

I really enjoyed this video and its something all women and men should listen too.

Sexual Freedom

How is sleeping around sexual freedom? I think some women just like throwing the term “ sexual freedom”  around when they express their desire to have random sex with strangers  because it sounds powerful, strong and maybe it helps them rationalize making a decision that is counter productive to the meaning of  sexual freedom. I wonder, do these women know what sexual freedom is? Do they really understand what it is to be sexually empowered? How is riding random dicks freeing? If you think sexual freedom has something to do with a male penis then you are sadly mistaken because sexual freedom has nothing to do with a male or his penis.

Sexual freedom is  having the option to choose what you do with your vagina. You can choose to have sex or to abstain from it.You understand what sex means to you, and how it ties in with your mind, and body. With sexual freedom you have the ability to express  your sexuality without relying on a man or the opinion of others. Sexual freedom is taking responsibility for your sexual and reproductive health. It allows you to live with the choices you have made about your sexuality shamelessly.

Sexual freedom is not feeling like your body is your prison as you are probed by a penis. In my younger years I  believed that sleeping around was sexually freeing, sex made me feel like I had super pussy powers.In my book I talk about using casual sex as a form of escapism, an escape for me that turned into a prison. I started feeling trapped during sex. Sex became a chore, it was a job, I needed to get drunk or high to enjoy it. Feeling pressured to have sex is not sexual freedom, neither is feeling obligated to have sex with a man. Sexual freedom is having the ability to say yes but also knowing yourself well enough to know, and have the strength to say no. Is doing sexual acts you are uncomfortable with sexual freedom? Is being ashamed to leave your house and run into all the people you had casual sex with freeing? Is enduring hours of painful sex freeing? Is being treated like an object freeing? Is not being allowed to express your emotions freeing?  Is worrying about STD’s and pregnancy freeing?  If that is freedom, then I’m telling you, I’ve lived it, I’ve had it, and I don’t want it.

I want  all women to understand what sexual freedom is and to experience it. Casual sex and sexual freedom have nothing to with each it’s like apples and oranges, they are not the same and doing one does not prove the other.

Pussy Power

I don’t mean to pop your bubble but, if you are walking around with your head in the clouds  thinking that you have super pussy powers, you are sadly mistaken. Guess what? All women have vaginas. Sure they may look different, and smell different, but they all have the same function. What makes yours better than anyone else’s?

I have seen women’s faces light up because some man told them that they had the best pussy he has ever had – that  their pussy is so tight. Guess what? Every woman’s vagina is tight. Men know that by lying to you, and telling you that you have pussy power, you will feel good about yourself, and your legs will stay open a little while longer. I don’t know who came up with the term pussy power, but whoever it was, did women a huge disservice. Pussy power does not mean that you are powerful. Stop personalizing it.

When it comes  to casual sex, it’s all about the vagina, not you the person as a whole. Nothing is personal about casual sex. But how can that be? When’s he’s kissing you, touching you, telling you he’s the best he’s ever had, saying you’re his, and your pussy is his, you can’t help but take it personally. Feelings are not always reality.Sex is powerful, not you. Women tend to personalize sex, that is why sexual rejection feels like they are being rejected in their entirety.

All of the power is gone when he starts to make you question your beauty, and self-worth. The power is gone when you are willing to do anything to feel like you are in control, and it is gone when you do things you don’t feel comfortable with to get that affirmation. When a woman uses sex for power she is a puppet being jerked around by the very person she wants to control. What happens when he does not want to have sex with you again? Does that mean you are inadequate? You are not worth keeping? What happens when he doesn’t validate your worth?  How does that make you feel?  What if every man you have sex with never talks to you again? Do you still think that you have pussy power? In the world of casual sex and one night stands, the woman is a powerless replaceable commodity.

Your vagina is not powerful, but you are. A man can get sex from any woman who is willing and able, but there is only one you. You, woman, are a powerful vessel.

Slutty Slushy

What is a slutty slushy? A slutty slushy is all the intimate details of your sexual history  mixed together. And it is most often served after a heated argument. It might feel refreshing to you but it is  not appreciated by the person it gets dumped on because it is messy. Don’t drench the guy you are newly dating with  all the sticky details of your sexual history.

One of the biggest no-no’s when engaging in casual sex, any causal relationship or with the intention of starting a relationship is dumping the the sticky slutty details of your past on the guy you are trying to date.

Most men encourage this confessional. They want to know all about your bedroom business. They may ask you questions like this:

  • How many men have you had sex with?

  • Have you had anal sex?

  • Have you had a threesome?

  • When was the first time you had sex?

  • Have you ever had a one night stand?

And so on and so forth. If you are looking for a relationship I would advise not answering the above  questions.  That same guy will use  the information that he eagerly asked for against you.

Telling the guy you are interested in dating about all the free sex  you gave away is not going to make him want you, he will probably want you less. Especially when you start boohooing about all the sex you gave away without asking for a commitment . He will probably do to you what you so vividly described to him.

Ask yourself this, why shouldn’t he get what you gave to everyone else without a commitment? If it’s being offered so freely why should he say no? 

Protect yourself by keeping those not so pleasant details about your sexual past to yourself.This way if things don’t work out you will not feel as vulnerable.