Tag Archives: sexuality

The Sexualtiy Box……

I recently heard of a 14 year old girl that “came out” to her mother as  pan-sexual.  How does a 14 year old know more about being pan-sexual than most adults? And where did she learn that from? What is she learning in the school? And why has our society become so sex obsessed? What is pan-sexual?  And why doesn’t the definition make any sense?   School is for learning and preparation for the future. Why aren’t more American kids coming out of school prepared? They can tell you everything about sex but can’t  spell a simple word, don’t know geography, and don’t let me get started on math.  I’m not saying this is true of all American students but its true for quite a bit. Why should kids be educated on sexuality when most can’t spell the word or understand the meaning? Childhood is fleeting. You have your whole life to worry about sex, and sexuality why put yourself in a box at such a young age? I feel sorry towards the generations coming after me; they are truly in trouble if their concern is sex and gender based.

On a very basic biological level scientists use our DNA to identify us. And what can DNA tell us? It can tell us whether the individual is male or female, xx or xy. DNA can tell us about hair color, eye color, diseases and a few other very basic things.

DNA is the most scientific way to identify a person. It doesn’t tell you much, but it tells you about the biological make up of a person. And from DNA we learn that a person on a biological level can only be male or female.  If biologically a person can only be male or female then why are some people determined to undermine science and nature to   create new genders?   Why does Facebook now have 51 different genders? In the beginning God created man and woman. Biologically and  scientifically there is only  male and female.  Gender does not only encompass one’s feelings about their gender but it encompasses the physical attributes as well. For example, when a baby is born they tell you “Congratulations it’s a boy by looking between the baby’s legs and seeing the penis, or if they see a vagina they say “it’s a girl,” should we wait to differentiate the sex of babies until they can tell us how they feel?    At the end of the day if you left behind DNA the only thing one  could tell about your identity as far as sex, is whether you are a male or female. That is the truth and that is reality.

But the point of  this blog is not to argue about being male or female. It’s to tell people that your sexuality, sexual identity and sexual preference do not define who you are.  You are more than who you’re attracted to, and  you are more than what you choose to do with your genitals. Why put yourself in a box?  Being pan-sexual, transsexual, homosexual, bi sexual, heterosexual and whatever other sexual there is out there is a very tiny aspect of who you are, at least it should be. Your sexuality should not define you. There is more to life than living and functioning solely based on your sexuality.

What legacy are you going to leave behind?  What are your goals? What are your dreams? What are you passionate about?  What type of a person are you? What characteristics define you? These things  play a bigger role in one’s identity than sexuality alone. There are too many people trapped in the web of using sexuality to identify themselves.  Why do you need the acceptance of others? I wonder if it’s because you have a hard time accepting yourself  and sexual choices.  And if you can’t accept yourself, or the choices you’re making maybe you’re making the wrong choice and you’re not so sure about who you are.

The most important thing I have to share. God loves you just as you are in this very moment. He loves you  the homosexual, the transgender, the pan-sexual, the heterosexual or whatever else it you identify yourself as. He wants you to come as you are. He truly wants to have a relationship with you, and He sees you for who you are aside from your sexuality and gender identification. God will meet you where are you. He didn’t just die for the “normal” or what society thinks is normal and good He died for everybody.  He loves you, He loves you so much, and I hope that today You would encounter the love of God.  And guess what even if you don’t choose Him, or believe in Him He still loves you.

So I ask again, who are you?  Setting aside your sexuality, even your gender, you are most definitely human.  And being human means that you are made in the image of the living God, and He has a much bigger plan and purpose for your life outside of your sexuality.

Another Chance…..

Wouldn’t it be nice to be born again? To get a chance to have a fresh start and completely erase all the horrible things you’ve done and all the horrible things that have been done to you. I watched a movie about a girl that was physically abused by her mother. Because of that abuse she was a very damaged adult  that did pretty terrible things. Being overwhelmed by the guilt of the things she had done and unable to forget what had been done to her  she ended up committing suicide . She ended  her life with the hope that she would be born again and have a better life. I could never really understand the reasoning behind incarnation but after watching this film, I get it.

I too, have said many times that I want another chance, ” God give  me the chance to be born again, to live a different life, to make better choices.” I’ve said so in fits of anger, and pain, forgetting that as a Christian I have been born again.  That I too, will die and have a fresh start in heaven but not only in heaven here on earth as well.  Because Jesus died for me I am not shacked by the mistakes of my past, or of the pain inflicted upon me by others and myself. I am free. I may never forget what I have done or what was done to me but because I know I am free  I can choose to live a better life. I have hope in Christ that tomorrow will be better than today.

Sometimes life can be painful. Living itself, being human is painful. Maybe you want another chance but you don’t see a way out. Maybe, you’re too scared to stop what you’re doing and try something different.  Or maybe you feel like you deserve to suffer or be punished because of  the things you’ve done or things others have done to you.  What I want to say is this,”In Jesus Christ you have another chance, in fact because He loves you so much you have many chances. There is hope to live a better life and make a different choice, a better choice and you don’t need to be reincarnated for that.

In terms of sexual abuse or sexual activity it can feel like you’re forever marked or scarred by what has happened to you or by your choices.  It can feel like you’re stuck, stuck forever with the remnants of your past  forever stained and wounded on the inside. Because its your body, a body that you can’t change you may feel like in this life “I will never have another chance, because no amount of washing, or cutting, or starving, will ever make me clean again.”  But I’m here to tell myself and to tell you that in this life you can have another chance. Jesus sees you and in Him you are whole, He sees you and He wants you to come as you are.  At least, that is my hope, and my belief. Tomorrow will be better than today. Choose to be free.  God bless.

Image by Judy Prosser http://www.judyprosser.com.au/prints&cards/Prints/309.htm

Grace

I am not one to comment on “celebrity” stuff but in this case I felt compelled to.

By now I am sure that most people have read about the Joshua Duggar scandal. I read his letter of apology not only to his family but to his fellow Christians as well.  I would hope that as Christians we would all show this young man grace. This scandal is one of two that have followed the idealized Christian Duggar family.

Instead of seeing failure, shame and hypocrisy I see human beings. Christians are humans too, and like everyone else we sin. Like everyone else we struggle with sin. I have heard people condemn Josh Duggar, and question his salvation. Josh Duggar suffers from a human condition that we all suffer with, something innate in us from the day that we are born. Sin. The potential for sin is in all of us, Christian and non Christian alike. We all have the potential to steal, to lie, to be a glutton, to fornicate, to practice homosexuality, it is in us. For those of us who know better because of our parents or because God Himself has convicted us we must remember to show grace because it through grace that we have been saved.

I am a Christian. But for almost a decade of my life I struggled with sin. If you have read my blog you may know that I was involved in a casual sex lifestyle. I used to tell my partners about God. I was a hypocrite but hypocrisy is part of the human condition at one point or another we are all guilty of it. I prayed and prayed for years for God to help me because there were times I wanted to stop. I prayed and I prayed, I read my bible but I still fell back into sleeping around. My transformation was not overnight, it was not an instant fix. It was a long and arduous journey. It took time and I am still a work in progress. As the song says “Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me I once was lost but now am found was blind but now I see.” Only God can take someone like myself so broken, ugly and damaged by sin and transform me into someone whole, beautiful and complete in Him.

God can turn this situation around for Josh Duggar. God can use him as a vessel to testify and to help other men that struggle with infidelity and pornography. This ugly situation can be transformed and that is our hope in God. I hope in a God that makes the impossible possible. I hope in a God that came to save the likes of me a very sick woman, that of Josh Duggar and countless of others.
If God can take the apostle Paul, a man who persecuted Christians and turn him into a stalwart of the faith, just imagine what God can do for you. With this post Christian or not I hope that in your life you will practice showing others grace.

“What can wash away my sin,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
What can make me whole again,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow, Oh,
No other fount I know, Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

Robert Lowry

Life After Casual Sex

The title might sound a little dramatic to someone who hasn’t lived a casual sex lifestyle.  But  for me it was a decade on and off of casual sex. I have since then “repented of my ways” and now I am in a long term, serious relationship.

Has casual sex affected my relationship? It most definitely has. I met my boyfriend through a casual sex encounter. Why him? I don’t know. But when I had sex with him for the first time I  cried and I believe that it was my human tears, the expression of a human being and not an object  that bound us together. And after meeting him all the times I relapsed into sleeping around with random strangers  casual sex just was not the same.

I have not posted in  some months. I have been in school and sorting out get off anti depressants. But I feel like myself again. Life after Casual Sex will be a new category featured on my blog where I discuss my journey after leaving the casual sex lifestyle.  I will continue to share my story and educate women about casual sex without the camera lens and the glamour. Again I want to thank my followers and supporters  and also those of whom are new to my blog.

Happy Blogging and Happy Reading!!

 

I hope this brings you peace at least for Tonight

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

I have a simple question, Can you accept your choice or do you need others to accept it so that you can rationalize that what you are doing to and with yourself is okay? Whatever choice it is that you are going to be making tonight or in the future I hope that it leaves you feeling at peace instead of feeling unrest.  You are the only one that has to accept your sexuality and or sexual choices . Regardless, you live with what you do with your body no else does. At the end of the day I think all humans strive for peace with themselves. Whenever I feel uneasy I read this prayer and ask God for peace, I hope that it will do the same for some of you.

Thoughts…….

Mentioning the negative aspects of casual sex is not slut shaming. Pointing out the emotional trauma that casual sex can inflict is not slut shaming. Pointing out the difference between casual sex and an open relationship is not slut shaming. Sex positive is not the Opposite of Slut Shaming. I don’t need to be Sex Positive to have a healthy and Happy Sex Life.

Feminism, Casual Sex and Open Relationships

This is an educational piece and I would ask that everyone read this carefully. I was inspired to write this after having a discussion on Thought  catalog about casual sex. There is a lot of confusion that surrounds casual sex practices. Before you do it, know what is about then make an informed decision. Great news,  common sense does not require a degree. Happy reading :).

Casual sex and open relationships are like apples and oranges, both are fruits but both are different.

An open relationship is where both partners agree that they can have sexual relations with others. I have no experience with open relationships so I can’t say much on it but I do believe a lot of women pushing for this Casual  Sex Movement/Hookup Culture, and its” freedoms” want and are involved in open relationships. They want the relationship and emotional connectedness that casual sex lacks, and they want the freedom of sleeping with other people or mainly  the ability to accept openly that their partner is sleeping  with other people without feeling humiliated or judged. In my book I mention   that women want the intercourse and men want the sex. When you join private parts its called sexual intercourse, with an open relationship it seems that both parties get what they want? I believe that some of these feminist, and women really want a relationship because  they talk about connecting with the other person. Casual sex is not about connecting emotionally, lets join private parts, that is the only connection. When I hear women defending casual sex as this emotionally satisfying situation that is not selfish, and has regard for the other person and people around them  I think, “You my dear are misinformed,”if that is the case you are not involved in the casual sex  lifestyle.

The pattern I see is women still wanting the relationship, the connection, the friendship, the care, and  the concern, so why shove this idea of casual sex and its perks down other peoples throats when you have not experienced, or lived it, when you want a relationship and not casual sex? Why encourage other women , young women to go down a path that more than likely leads to misery when you get to have your cake and eat it too.  I would ask that these women, and  men stop misleading our youth about casual sex and talk about their convenient open relationships instead.  

It is essential to define the relationship because then you can properly act and make an informed choice. Casual sex is that  grey area  between black and white but its still grey, and the fact that it is grey is not left up to perception its factual. How you navigate through an open relationship is completely different from how you would engage in casual sex. One is inclusive of a relationship, connection, and sharing, a soft place to rest your head at night knowing that this man is there, the other is lonely, there is no care or concern and there should be no expectation of any form of emotional support.

Casual sex then becomes the cop out  and scapegoat for an open relationship. No woman really wants to admit that, “Hey I’m in an open relationship, he has sex with whoever he wants, I have sex with who I want but we support each other emotionally, we just choose to have different sex partners simultaneously or at the same time.” Be honest, it’s a little embarrassing, and humiliating. Stop pushing polyamory and disguising it as casual sex. Besides society is more accepting of casual sex than of open or polyamorous  relationships. .People understand having multiple partners to a point but its harder to understand being in a relationship but wanting to have sex with other people and the other person having knowledge of that. One must ask the question then why even bother being in a relationship? Does that man even love or care about you? Do you really care about him? So some choose to call it casual sex, which is insulting to anyone like myself who has engaged in casual sex and it is misleading to the people who have not engaged in casual sex.

There is confusion about what casual sex is and isn’t. The word “casual”  is lack of commitment ,devoid of emotion, and sex is your penis or vagina, putting t the two terms, action and parts, together  there is no room left  for concern, or this lasting partnership or friendship; if so you  were  or are more than likely in an open relationship.  ” Casual sex” is supposed to be easy, no stings,  but because of  the way our bodies fit together during sex it does not work out that way all the time. Someone,  more than likely the woman catches feelings from just the touch of a penis and she is confused. The act of sex alone tells you that there is nothing casual about it, yet some  continue to push the notion that “casual” sex exists. There is nothing casual about a penis penetrating your vagina. I don’t understand why feminist get angry when I say that casual sex is selfish, its supposed to be, isn’t that what they are fighting for “sexual freedom”and  women can have sex just like a man.” But no, they are mistake and confused because they don’t even understand what casual sex is, they bend it to fit a convenient description of an open relationship. And we go back to the point that women engaging in casual sex want some form of a RELATIONSHIP.

 Casual sex is selfish, no one goes out of their way to have a one night only to consciously think about how it will affect the next person. Who does that? Seriously, in what world, what fantasy, fairy tale, fiction does someone have casual sex with you and think hmm I wonder how she will feel afterwards? How will this affect my family and friends close to me? This type of thinking is not realistic. And if you do have casual sex with that mindset it is not for you.

Don’t get an open relationship confused with casual sex. Please, ladies for your own well being don’t confuse the two. If you want an open relationship fine, if you want to have casual sex that is fine too, but please don’t hide behind one and skew its meaning because your lifestyle is not as accepted.

You need to respect the behavior and live in the reality of the situation not a sugar coated version of what it could be, not a rationalization that casual sex or an open relationship is this great amazing experience full of love and care, and connection. Stop pretending. In this  moment I ask, that you be real with yourself.