Category Archives: Sexual Rejection

Patriarchal Pornography

“If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” Mathew 5:9

As a woman I am offended when I hear other women making excuses for their husbands and boyfriends infidelity or use of pornography. Why is the woman always at fault? I overheard a conversation between two married women. One kept pointing out that men need sex, and when a woman is not fulfilling her role in the bedroom it drives him to porn. Well women need sex too, maybe even more than a man does. The vagina has so many different pleasure points, and our orgasms are more intense. I have never heard a woman say well my “man” isn’t satisfying me so I am going to whip out my turbo vibrator and 12 inch dildo and watch Big Dick porn. When are women going to let men take accountability for their actions?

I hear that excuse all the time. That is not reason enough for me. Let’s face it we all need to get off. Men have a strong sex drive but so do women. And I am not talking about single men; I am referring to men who get “the pussy” served to them on a platter every night or at least some nights. Whatever happened to self control? Whatever happened to being a team? Whatever happened to selflessness? And for the women who blame and condemn their other female counter parts for going to bed in baggy clothes and not feeding their husbands appetites pray that it does not happen to you. Do you think she wants an obtrusive penis inside her when she knows her husband’s been jacking his dick to the images of another woman’s vagina and butt hole? Do you think she wants his hands that have imagined caressing another woman around her? Do you think she wants to share her nakedness with someone who pays to go to the strip club and look at pornography? Would you? Would you want that man touching you after seeing the images of what he pleasures himself too?

Where is the respect? Stop blaming women. Stop blaming her because of what she is wearing or what she’s not. Stop blaming her for being drunk. Stop blaming her for being naive and trusting. Stop blaming her for being human and not a sex toy. Stop blaming women for men’s shortcomings.

If you are having  an intimacy problem pornography, strip clubs and affairs make it worse. If you want to better your sex life then you need to better the emotional aspect of the relationship. Instead of hoping on Ashley Madison or porn sites, ask her, ask her why she does not want to sleep with you. Tell her I want to try new positions. Communicate with your partner. Using lack of sex or lack of her sexiness as an excuse for watching porn is just going lead to you using your hand more and losing intimacy with your partner.
If you have a problem with lust and porn it’s your problem, your fault and not your partners. How about blocking the porn from your computer? How about not to the strip club?

If your eye is causing you to sin, to stray then fix your eye. Don’t blame the porn that you’re looking at and the wife or girlfriend that you’re not looking at, blame yourself. Only you can fix you.

I want to add that all the destruction, all the damage and pain that pornography causes in your relationships God can heal. There is hope, happiness and love for you too.

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I’ve Been Attacked

Again some feminists don’t like to admit the truth about casual sex, or listen to someone elses not so fairy tale like experience… If you have had a bad casual sex experience it does not make you unintelligent, you don’t need a degree to validate your experience. This is not an ideology this is real life and my aim is to help and educate all women regardless of what they believe. I am here to encourage all women to share their story good or bad, and know that they are not alone.

Sex Is……

Sex Is Not the Medication That Will Make Your Mind Right.  That one sentence says it all. Casual sex should not be used to remedy any sort of emotional aliment.

Habitual Casual sex is a symptom, a band aid, a quick fix, self-medication and  it always often masks a deeper problem. Sometimes you are not even aware of what that problem is, you just know that sleeping around soothes, or comforts, you for a short time. What happens when you stop, when those partners have moved on and are not around? How do you deal with the loneliness or the anxiety? Are you craving sex or the intimacy?

Casual sex compounds situations such as  sexual abuse or rape because engaging in  casual sex can  make you  feel like you  are reliving the situation again.Consensual sex might trigger  a flashback of rape or abuse. The inability to say no but the desire to say no might leave you feeling confused. For some who have been  abused casual sex can be used as a form of punishment. Because of  the abuse some women  feel disconnected from themselves when they have sex. They are not present during the action and this can cause an unhealthy relationship with sex to begin. I remember having sex  with random people and in my mind screaming no, but instead moans came out.  Sex became my prison  I had to  suffer through this torture.I was hurting myself with sex. My whole view of sex became warped, it was ugly, bad, a burden, a chore, all because I used sex to help me escape from the conflicts raging  in my mind. Sexual abuse allowed me to disconnect and disassociate during my casual sex encounters. I wasn’t there, that wasn’t really me sleeping with all those men. Because I wasn’t there emotionally during sex, I felt nothing for those men. They meant nothing to me. I was in control, I was the sexual aggressor, by not saying no they couldn’t force me into doing anything I didn’t want to. My story is not does not speak for every woman. Not every woman who has been raped, or molested engages in casual sex. For me, that was just what I ended up doing, it was my way of trying to resolve the confusion in my mind. Sex was my escape, I could use it to get things, it was my band aid, and my medication. Only, sleeping around made it worse. Here I was, saying yes, but thinking no, and feeling disgusted at them and at me afterward.Along with drugs and alcohol this is the worst form of self-medication especially if you have been raped, or abused.

I’m guilty of using casual sex as a bandage for my broken heart. I did this all the time with my on and off again boyfriend. As soon as he left me, that same day, I was in bed with someone else. If I was not under the influence I could not ignore the ache in my chest as I was tossed around  by some faceless man. Its not that sleeping with someone else made me forget him, it just made me feel like I was hurting him. In reality, I was only hurting myself, I got no enjoyment from the sex except a false sense of “Look of who’s crying now.” Casual sex won’t mend your broken heart it might just cause an even bigger ache.

Sex is not the cure for low self-esteem or lack of self worth. Sex is not the price you have to pay to get the worth that  you thought you gave away back. In my book I mention an example of having sex in my teens with a guy I liked and he rejected me soon after. He ignored my phones calls, and eventually ended up telling me to leave him alone. At that young age I thought I had lost my worth, I really believed that he took it, he had it, and I wanted it back. I thought that sleeping around would validate my worth. Men wanting to have sex with me meant that I was attractive,and  beautiful.That was a false sense of self-worth and self-esteem.  I can’t stress this enough, “You were born with self-worth it is not something any man or woman can give to you or take away from you. Self-esteem is something you find, it has nothing to with anyone else.”

Is casual sex your drug, or do you use it as therapy? Only you can fix you, not a man, and not a dick, that is why sex is not the medication that will make your mind right….

Its Okay

Having Casual Sex and getting attached does not make you unintelligent or immature it just makes you human. I dont believe in slut shaming. I don’t believe in insulting a woman based on the way she has sex. I don’t believe in telling women to suppress their emotions. It is okay to make mistakes especially with your sexuality, granted some are more permanent than others. What I give you here on this blog is real life experience you wont find it written in a text book, its something that can’t be taught. I am not ashamed of my past, of feeling rejected at times, of feeling like I had pussy power, of using sex as a tool,  or of being vain and shallow about sex . It’s all okay. For the women that have casual sex and feel worthless or used Ive been there to0, and that’s normal. Just know that you already have worth within yourself and that you were not used you made a choice. Its okay to feel, to cry,  to get depressed over a guy you had casual sex with, it IS normal and  its part of being human.Trust me you will get over it, thats a promise :).

Why I Wrote Casual Sex Is For the Shallow

I wrote this guide because I found myself surrounded by broken hearted women and if I wasn’t surrounded by them my sister was, or my friends were. So many women hurt over sex, and what some man did to them; wanting, yearning, going crazy almost in an attempt to understand why, why not them? Why did this man choose to treat them this way and not someone else? Why had they had three or more sexual partners and no relationship? Why was he ignoring them? Why couldn’t they get over him?
In today’s society women are saturated with the shallow woman’s superficial story. Hollywood makes it look so easy: this beautiful woman has a one night stand and the guy ends up marrying her. Or she’s sleeping around with multiple partners and she has no emotional, relational or psychological issues. I wanted to use examples of women engaging in casual sex that are not represented because casual sex often times does not have a fairy tale ending. 

For some women this is real life. Theses are questions they are faced with daily. How do they answer these question?  The best thing is education, having a conversation about casual sex. Not every woman understands that casual sex is casual sex, some don’t know the meaning of  casual sex. If a woman feels rejected after a one night stand, or her friend with benefits end their arrangement and she feels hurt does that make her immature and unintelligent? No, its normal especially as a woman to experience emotional attachments especially when engaging in c sex of any kind, it  is normal to feel rejected . Having emotions and getting attached is part of being human and being able to express them in a healthy way is normal.

Women need something that will protect their minds as well as their bodies and my book is is. Happy Reading!

 

My First Book : Casual Sex Is For the Shallow

Casual Sex is for the Shallow is a short guide for women on the good, the bad and the grey areas of casual sex. This guide does not mince words when it comes to explaining the reasons why your one night stand never called you back, why your friends with benefits arrangement ended with you in tears, and why the super vain, super shallow girl that you know always ends up with a boyfriend or date after her casual sex encounters. Casual Sex is for the Shallow explores the actual meaning behind the phrase “casual sex” and explores the anatomical as well the emotional aspects of sex. After reading this novelette the reader has the knowledge to make an informed choice about engaging in casual sex.

  • All you need to know about Casual Sex in less than 40 pages
  • Only Available on Amazon

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Loose Strings

I’m so numb I can’t feel for myself far less for anyone else at times. Being numb is how I survived.Having been sex worker for a short time and being as promiscuous as I was  people always assume that I was a cold, callous and a heartless woman. Of course I had to appear to be that way I had to look out for myself. Because I never felt inclined to end a casual relationship I have a lot of loose strings left hanging around.

These strings haunt me. I’m afraid to see them again. I don’t want them to see me, the girl that has scarred herself so deeply that the skin is raised, I don’t want them to see me the size 1 that is now a size 2-3, I don’t want them to see me weak and defenseless and human. Loving someone else made me sofer, loving myself made me softer too, and being loved made me desire the tenderness and comfort of a loving relationship. I don’t like showing just anyone that I am human.

My loose strings show up at my front door unexpectedly,they call me on the phone, and message me on facebook, I even see them in them in the supermarkets. Some leave me gifts and cards wanting to know why I just stopped communicating with them ? They seem to care so much and yet I care so little. I feel an inkling of compassion for some, those who have been there since the beginning, some were even better to me than my “actual friends.” But I don’t care enough to communicate with them, I make broken promises, I say I’ll text or call, I lie and say I’ve moved, and I don’t pick up the phone.

I thought casual sex was supposed to be no strings but that’s impossible isn’t it. I share common knowledge that with each individual one, it’s not something that plagues my mind, but its stored somewhere in the back of my brain. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to be found by any of them, I don’t want to experience this person’s xray vision remembering my body, the sounds I made, the way I felt, and the things I said. I don’t want to feel that shame that my boyfriend feels when he wonders what I guy have been with and what type of sex I had with them.

I made a rule to never date a guy had casual sex with and guess what? I’m sticking to it. I made one exception, he was the only exception and thankfully he was the right exception.

This to you, all of you, every single one of my loose strings, you’re mine because our memories belong to me. I know I will be the last one to forget even though I was the first to let go. I hope you find this one day when you’re older, when I’m a fading memory, when you have a daughter of your own then maybe you will understand why I treated you the way that I did :

I hate you, or something very close to hate. You disgust me, in fact I find you very repulsive.  I don’t want to be friends with you, nor do I want to talk to you. You could never keep that disgusting thing away from me, I hate how easily you showed me  your weakness.You are bothersome, why can’t you let you?  Why can’t you leave me alone? I used you for various reasons, sex included.  You are nothing but a shameful notch in my belt, and  one number out of many. I want to hurt you. I want to give you misery. I want to give you pain even though you did nothing to me that I didn’t want and if I didn’t want it I know I never bothered to mention. I don’t get rejected, I do the rejecting so stop getting in my way and preventing me from being happy. Forget me, my sex is the only thing you know about me anyway. But if this was just casual why do I feel uncomfortable letting you go? Why can’t I face you? I don’t want to be cruel so please leave me alone.

I shared this today on my blog because this is a reality of casual sex that needs to seen, this is not gold star sticker sex, this is not a fairytale, there is nothing casual about exchanging bodily fluids with someone else.You may be like me and never admit it, but I will admit  that I feel, I have feelings, I feel bad for hurting others and it hurts letting go of , and the regret hurts too.  I wanted to give my readers a peak into my mind when I was involved  in the  casual sex lifestyle, my feelings, and thoughts then and now. Casual sex is not a game there are very real consequences that follow you, some for the rest of your life.