Tag Archives: casual relationship


I am not one to comment on “celebrity” stuff but in this case I felt compelled to.

By now I am sure that most people have read about the Joshua Duggar scandal. I read his letter of apology not only to his family but to his fellow Christians as well.  I would hope that as Christians we would all show this young man grace. This scandal is one of two that have followed the idealized Christian Duggar family.

Instead of seeing failure, shame and hypocrisy I see human beings. Christians are humans too, and like everyone else we sin. Like everyone else we struggle with sin. I have heard people condemn Josh Duggar, and question his salvation. Josh Duggar suffers from a human condition that we all suffer with, something innate in us from the day that we are born. Sin. The potential for sin is in all of us, Christian and non Christian alike. We all have the potential to steal, to lie, to be a glutton, to fornicate, to practice homosexuality, it is in us. For those of us who know better because of our parents or because God Himself has convicted us we must remember to show grace because it through grace that we have been saved.

I am a Christian. But for almost a decade of my life I struggled with sin. If you have read my blog you may know that I was involved in a casual sex lifestyle. I used to tell my partners about God. I was a hypocrite but hypocrisy is part of the human condition at one point or another we are all guilty of it. I prayed and prayed for years for God to help me because there were times I wanted to stop. I prayed and I prayed, I read my bible but I still fell back into sleeping around. My transformation was not overnight, it was not an instant fix. It was a long and arduous journey. It took time and I am still a work in progress. As the song says “Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me I once was lost but now am found was blind but now I see.” Only God can take someone like myself so broken, ugly and damaged by sin and transform me into someone whole, beautiful and complete in Him.

God can turn this situation around for Josh Duggar. God can use him as a vessel to testify and to help other men that struggle with infidelity and pornography. This ugly situation can be transformed and that is our hope in God. I hope in a God that makes the impossible possible. I hope in a God that came to save the likes of me a very sick woman, that of Josh Duggar and countless of others.
If God can take the apostle Paul, a man who persecuted Christians and turn him into a stalwart of the faith, just imagine what God can do for you. With this post Christian or not I hope that in your life you will practice showing others grace.

“What can wash away my sin,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
What can make me whole again,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow, Oh,
No other fount I know, Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

Robert Lowry


Sex does not Equal a Relationship: Excerpt from Casual Sex is for the Shallow

“Sex does not equal a relationship. Ladies, I want you to repeat this until you believe and understand that sex does not equal a relationship. Breathe. Take a few more deep breaths and let this true and key piece of information get absorbed into your pretty brain. This is a fact that all men know and understand, but it is a truth that few women are able to accept. Without the emotion, sex is a three letter action word. There is no hidden meaning.

Using sex in hopes of acquiring a relationship rarely ever happens.  If you haven’t defined that there indeed is a relationship, rolling around in bed will not do that. Sex is not the string that will tie the two of you together, nor will it bring him closer to committing to you.  Sex is not the magical dance that turns a friendship into a relationship.”

When  I wrote this I thought of all the young women from teens, to early and mid twenties who have been coerced into sleeping with a guy in hopes that it will bring them closer together.  Or those who listen to advice of friends that sex is the next step that will seal the deal and set the monogamy in motion. I wrote this to silence that voice of expectation and hope some women may hold onto in hopes of using sex to extort a relationship, or bargain their way into a relationship with a man. I want this advice to be the voice of reason when the emotions take over and one cannot think straight. A relationship does not start with casual sex. If a relationship is the object of desire I would recommend getting to know that person on an intellectual and emotional level first.

Casual Sex, Flashbacks, and Emotional Disconnectedness

I used casual sex to run away from all the things I was too afraid to feel. I was afraid of rejection,so I had sex with men without wanting a commitment. I suppressed every emotion because I did not want to feel hurt,  I just wanted to feel good. It was  easy to have sex without having a personality, or expectations. I wondered back then, where do all those feelings that I could never experience go?  Currently, I  am in a very confusing place. I cannot trust how I feel because I have not felt in so long.

I admit that I was proud. I thought I was better than the girls that had casual sex and got rejected, because rejection was a rare thing for me. I thought I had a special power and intelligence that they lacked; I had “pussy power.” But now, I think  they were better off having feelings than me who was a shell of a person. Because at 24 I don’t know how to feel properly.

I had a flashback, and I pushed my 195 pound boyfriend off of me all the way to the end of the bed.He turned into someone else, and I just screamed no and  pushed him off. Then I curled up into a ball and all I could go was apologize to him. I could tell by his reaction that he was shocked at my physical strength and by my reaction. I was shocked too, the man I had loved for so long had turned into a faceless man, and something inside me just wanted him out and off of me.

The flashback I had with my boyfriend was not due to casual sex. But the emotional trauma I experience over and over again is in part due to that lifestyle. Sex and love do not partner well with casual sex, and because I slept around so much I understood this at an early age. I practiced emotionless sex for so long that when I did get involved in a relationship with someone that I cared for I could not enjoy the sex. My body and mind cannot connect, and I know it is because I have an emotional attachment to my boyfriend. I did myself an injustice by programming myself not feel any type of emotion or connection during sex.  And now, happily involved with the man that I love I cannot let myself go. I’m guarded physically and he can tell.

I have watched myself having sex so many times, and  so many times my mind was separated from my body. Because of the disassociation that has occured with me during sex in the past  I am  afraid that  when I am with the person I love that I will do the same thing. Before sex  I always need to  be reassured that he loves me, and afterwards. Sex in a monogamous relationship has made me insecure because of my past experience with casual sex.

Sleeping around damaged me emotionally. Every time I have an argument with my boyfriend I feel like he is going to leave me. I worry that maybe he just used me? Was sex all that he wanted? Then I remember, all the uncommitted  sex I had, all the memories of sex with random men and it hurts. I am hurt. I think of all the times I suppressed feeling for myself  and the guys I had sex with, and I feel strange. I remember the painful sex, the loneliness, and the empty feelings. All the emotions I suppressed, all the things I prevented myself from feeling come rushing back to me, and I relive those feelings over and over and over again. I often  ask him, “Why are you doing this to me?,”  and,“ Why are you hurting me like this?” But I realized that its not him I am upset at its the past.

My history of casual sex has written itself on my soul. I have moved on from my past, I have forgiven myself from my past, and my past does not define me but I cannot forget it.

Sluts Go to Heaven Too

I  was stigmatized by most as a “bad” or evil because I was promiscuous, because I, “changed guys like I changed my “underwear”. Even though I believed in Jesus and had professed faith I was told  by some that I was destined to go to hell, even though after every one night stand and sexual encounter I talked about Jesus. I wanted to save these troubled men with sex, and with the love of Jesus.

Apart from my lifestyle I was a relatively good person. I was kind, gentle, forgiving, and most importantly I treated others the way I would want to be treated, but I was still labeled as bad. I was bad because I slept around, having sex outside of marriage made me a horrible a person and having sex with multiple partners sentenced me to the lake of fire.

I was taught that if you have sex with a man before marriage that he will not marry you,and  if you have sex with him before he says he loves you that he won’t love you; chances are if you are having sex with him he is just using you for his own sexual gratification. After dating  my on and off boyfriend for a few  years I was told that  sex was reason why I was not married yet. Every time we had a fight, every time we broke up, I believed that God was punishing me. Because I had slutted it up in my past and with my boyfriend. God was punishing me  by not  making my boyfriend want to marry me.

And now here I am determined to tell other women about the harms of casual sex, but also to tell the overzealous morality police that engaging in casual sex does not make you a bad a person. For all the girls that grew up in a Christian home as I did and were told that once you have sex with a man he is not going to marry you, or love you, I’m here to say that statement is not true. No where in the Bible states that having sex before marriage makes you less lovable, nor does it state that having sex before marriage means you won’t get married. You can be an escort like I was, and it does not make you a bad person, maybe you are making poor choices but it does not make you a terrible person.

For a long time I thought I was destined to go to hell, and to die alone  an unmarried, useless, washed up slut. I thought that if I died on one of my escorting escapades that I would go to hell. I believed that I deserved all the punishment from God and from people but thankfully I was misled. In no way am I an advocate for casual sex but there are worse things I could do, and could have been. Casual sex was not the be it and end all of me, and that is for anyone struggling with any type sexual sin, or morality issue. Being promiscuous did  not make me  cheap or worth any less than the next person, and it did  not mean that I deserved to be punished by men or my parents, or anyone else. By having casual sex I was selling myself  short, and making poor decisions, but that was between me and my God. If I did die prostituting myself way back then I know now that I would go to heaven, that me a self mutilating slut would end up in the comforting arms of my God because He knew  the contents of  my heart.

Note: The only way to heaven is by believing in the person of the Lord Jesus Christ. For more information. If you want to stop sleeping around but you don’t know how to stop, or why you should stop, give Jesus a try.


A Christian Girl and Casual Sex

I grew up in a Christian home. I went to church Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and on Wednesdays. My parents read the Bible with us kids every night. I read the Bible myself every now and then, and I always remembered to pray.

I prayed for all the men I had sex with, every single one. I even told them about Jesus, and the importance of being saved. I read the Bible to them over the phone, and I prayed with them. I asked them if they believed that Jesus Christ was the son of God and if they didn’t share my belief I would not have sex with them.I knew that sex outside of marriage was a sin, but that didn’t stop me. As a teenager I often wondered  besides sex being a sin what else is wrong with it?

I listened to some self-righteous christians give their opinion about girls that slept around. They made it seem like being promiscuous meant that you were a nasty, bad person. They didn’t know that a ” slut” was in their midst. It was as if sleeping around was a contagious disease that they were afraid to catch. To them, sex outside of marriage was the worse thing. I always wanted to secretly retort “There are worst things that a girl could do.”

Sleeping around did not make me a bad person. And sleeping around did not make me anymore more of a sinner than they were, sin is sin. Throughout my years of promiscuity, experimentation with prostitution, and amateur porn, I never stopped loving Jesus, I never stopped praying, and I did read my Bible on some occasions.

Some Christians might try and question the relationship I had with God, but that is only for my God to judge. Through it all He was  right there with me. He knew my heart. Patiently, He waited for me to find my way back to Him. Here I was, drowning in a cesspool, and He reached out His hand and He saved me. Nothing is too great for my God to do  and no one is too far gone for my God to save. 

Now, you may totally reject the idea of God’s love or the existence of a creator, but whatever issues that you are trying to work out, SEX IS NOT THE ANSWER.  A man’s penis is not the magical key that will unlock the answers to your daddy issues, or any other problem that you are having. 

The Nasty Truth About Casual Sex

I am going to tell you the stuff about casual sex that no one wants to think about let alone repeat out loud. It is an ugly truth. I am not saying this to scare anyone but it’s time to be honest about the realities of casual sex.

Do not trust the man or men that  you are having casual sex with. That’s a fact  that often gets forgotten during the moment.  Remember to always use protection, and by protection, I mean a condom.

If he is having casual sex with you, he probably is having casual sex with other women too. He isn’t obligated to tell you that four hours ago he had sex with someone else. He had sex with the someone else without a condom, and he didn’t get a chance to take a shower before he hopped into bed with you. We all know the sex ritual: you perform oral sex on this guy whose dirty dick was just in someone else’s vagina and it ended up in your mouth. Gross right?

I forgot to mention that he had oral sex with the someone else and now the bacteria from  the someone else’s vagina  is in your mouth and in your vagina. And to be realistic, lets say that the someone else that he had sex with, is having casual sex with another guy, and the other guy had sex with another woman who gave  him a yeast infection.

The yeast infection circles back to you. Now, try to imagine if this was Herpes, HIV, or something more permanent. Because of one night of casual sex you are stuck with, for the rest of your life, some disgusting, uncomfortable STD.

You have to deal with the gross discharge, the itching, and the odor all on your own. You have to deal with  the anxiety of wondering, “could this be an std?” You have to go to the doctor’s appointment on your own.  You have to lay down with your  legs spread wide open  in the stirrups alone, while a doctor pokes and prods you with cold metal instruments. You have to deal with the STI’s alone.  You have to deal with pregnancy scares, the abortions and paying for the Plan B all alone. Sure no strings sounds fun,maybe? But do you really want to deal with the all of the unnecessary  crap that goes along with it? And if you aren’t worried about contracting an STI,  you should be.

Again, I do not condone casual sex, but if  that’s the path you choose, make sure that you are prepared. Do you want to deal with the stress of worrying about who else’s vagina the guy you are sleeping with has been in? Do you really want a dirty dick? Don’t you think you deserve better than that? Telling your “friend with benefits” that you think he give you an STD now that’s awkward.

Slutty Slushy

What is a slutty slushy? A slutty slushy is all the intimate details of your sexual history  mixed together. And it is most often served after a heated argument. It might feel refreshing to you but it is  not appreciated by the person it gets dumped on because it is messy. Don’t drench the guy you are newly dating with  all the sticky details of your sexual history.

One of the biggest no-no’s when engaging in casual sex, any causal relationship or with the intention of starting a relationship is dumping the the sticky slutty details of your past on the guy you are trying to date.

Most men encourage this confessional. They want to know all about your bedroom business. They may ask you questions like this:

  • How many men have you had sex with?

  • Have you had anal sex?

  • Have you had a threesome?

  • When was the first time you had sex?

  • Have you ever had a one night stand?

And so on and so forth. If you are looking for a relationship I would advise not answering the above  questions.  That same guy will use  the information that he eagerly asked for against you.

Telling the guy you are interested in dating about all the free sex  you gave away is not going to make him want you, he will probably want you less. Especially when you start boohooing about all the sex you gave away without asking for a commitment . He will probably do to you what you so vividly described to him.

Ask yourself this, why shouldn’t he get what you gave to everyone else without a commitment? If it’s being offered so freely why should he say no? 

Protect yourself by keeping those not so pleasant details about your sexual past to yourself.This way if things don’t work out you will not feel as vulnerable.