Maladies of the Mind and Casual Sex

Casual sex was my comfort, my defense, sex was a tool that I used, the action that brought dopamine to my dopamine deprived brain. Casual sex did not make me depressed, instead for me, it was a symptom of my depression. Back then I probably looked like a shallow slut to my peers but It was my bandage. I needed it to feel good, my teenage mind could not understand that I was harming myself. And like smoking a joint , or drinking too much, it  just added to the longevity of my depression and  when those minutes, hours of  “fun” were over the things that plagued my mind were still there.

I went from casual sex, to drinking, to smoking, to cutting, to doing all those things simultaneously. I am the master of self-medication, unfortunately.  I missed out on learning how to soothe myself in a healthy way, self comfort for me is always self destructive. Hurting myself comforts me even at my age,  I feel pathetic admitting this but I am just being honest.

I got into a serious relationship, a long distance serious relationship, and casual sex, drinking and smoking all went out the window, and cutting remained. I always say that it has been the one constant source of comfort in my life which saddens me, it grieves me. I am in anguish to feel that taking a blade to my skin soothes me, but it does, it delivers the dopamine to my brain, the dopamine that I need. It is a coping mechanism that I wish I never tried. A malady that after 7 years  I cannot rid myself of. When I cut myself I can  see better, I am seeing from eyes that are not my own, I automatically snap out of whatever kind of emotional meltdown I am experiencing, I can focus better, I can rationalize better,like someone chasing their first high I think if I cut some more maybe I will feel even better, it is a terrible addiction, you do not want to deal with this and I do not wish this on anyone.

I was on antidepressants but my feelings were monotonous. Life is not meant to be lived in one note there are ups and downs its learning how to manage those ups and downs is what counts.Being an unfeeling zombie that is constantly gaining weight or starving oneself and self mutilating? You choose? Since I have gotten off my medication I went back to starving and cutting, starving and cutting and thoughts of suicide. And I wonder if I was not in a relationship would  I have gone back to casual sex too?

I am caught in the cycle of self harm and depression. I just substitute one behavior for another.

I cut myself this time, recently after over a year of being cut free. This time I disassociated while cutting, I saw myself cutting my wrists and I did the oddest thing I took the blood on my wrists and smeared it across the walls of my bedroom, and I am watching myself do this odd behavior and thinking, “this is not normal, why are you doing this” but I could not stop. As I did this I saw flashback of that nine year old child, I was her sitting on the floor scratching at her legs for the first time I felt like her, I saw her and it scared me. Yes what I just wrote is disturbing but it does not make me any less human, or any  less lovable, or less than the next person that just cries or copes with stress in a healthier manner.

Despite my struggle (and believe me when I say every bleeping day is a struggle) I fall on the ground and curl up into a ball  and cry sometimes because I feel like I don’t have the strength anymore but I keep picking myself back up. Starving, bleeding  from cuts, dizzy from lack of food I still pick myself back up. Life is a journey with many winding roads, you will fall maybe more than those around you but what matters is that you keep picking yourself back up, you tried. Keep trying, fight to live, life is a gift so keep fighting to live.

People may read this and tell me I need help, saying that to me is counterproductive  because I know that I need help.I am blessed that I am able to function and no one knows unless I tell them, I’m  like that functioning alcoholic that does everyday things. Of course I know my behavior is unsustainable.I hope people read this and thank God that they have a sound mind, its a sad thing to watch yourself deteriorate, relapse, or be sick mentally. It is sad when you can see it but you are unable to stop.  I never will be 100 percent healed or perfect because I am only a mere human. But in my imperfection I can offer and give you my story so you know that if you are struggling like me you are not alone, or if you have someone you love going through this maybe it will help you understand them better.

I am a Christian and I suffer from these maladies of the mind, it does not mean  that God loves me less. God is with me in those time of depression, He sees me, He cares for me, I’m sure His heart is grieved, with His strength ,mercy and His unconditional love to want to love me in this state, He is my hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

I hope this inspires you to live, fight to live.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://www.selfinjury.com/

I hope this brings you peace at least for Tonight

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

I have a simple question, Can you accept your choice or do you need others to accept it so that you can rationalize that what you are doing to and with yourself is okay? Whatever choice it is that you are going to be making tonight or in the future I hope that it leaves you feeling at peace instead of feeling unrest.  You are the only one that has to accept your sexuality and or sexual choices . Regardless, you live with what you do with your body no else does. At the end of the day I think all humans strive for peace with themselves. Whenever I feel uneasy I read this prayer and ask God for peace, I hope that it will do the same for some of you.

The Weed

I was never treated delicately like a flower, but rather I have always been tossed about, picked at, pulled at and thrown away like a weed. And in harsh environments I thrive. Like the weed I am  neglected, stepped on, forgotten only remembered as a nuisance. I am fun only for a moment but never cherished or treasured like a beautiful flower. Maybe I am admired from afar because at times I have beautiful petals,  and because I am rooted firmly into the ground, but when it is discovered that I am nothing but  a common weed I am despised. And in harsh environments I thrive, in bad relationships, with cruel treatment I thrive and unlike a flower that wilts I stand strong.

This is for women that have been abused  and now struggle with self mutilation, eating disorders, flashbacks, those like myself that suffer with obsessive thinking, and at times lack of control over their emotions. I really feel like a weed, with the suns oppressive heat beating down on me, but still I thrive. I thrive in the harshest of situations, I am scarred, and beaten but I am still alive.

Like the weed destruction is in my path, I suffocate everything around me, I am self-destructive, I am always a blade away from harming not others, but myself,that is the only difference.

Ladies you are triumphant  and strong like the weed you don’t need to be a delicate flower. You can and will flourish especially when things are tough, painful and difficult, and then you will find that you are resilient, and when its all over you would find that you have endured and persevered, relapsing along the way, sometimes maybe, but you are TRIUMPHANT!

Tomorrow

I have not posted a blog in quite some time because I have fighting through my depression and this has nothing to do with casual sex, or maybe it does. As of June of 2014 I went off my medication and I had a burst of energy and now I have spiraled back down. To anyone who is struggling through depression, self mutilation, thoughts of suicide, struggling with internal conflicts, struggling with lifestyle choices remember that TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY, A BRAND NEW DAY.

Thanks again to all of my supporters. God Bless.

The Nasty Truth About Casual Sex

Kelsey Cowie:

Do you really want to put yourself through all of that??

Originally posted on Sexpectations89:

I am going to tell you the stuff about casual sex that no one wants to think about let alone repeat out loud. It is an ugly truth. I am not saying this to scare anyone but it’s time to be honest about the realities of casual sex.

Do not trust the man or men that  you are having casual sex with. That’s a fact  that often gets forgotten during the moment.  Remember to always use protection, and by protection, I mean a condom.

If he is having casual sex with you, he probably is having casual sex with other women too. He isn’t obligated to tell you that four hours ago he had sex with someone else. He had sex with the someone else without a condom, and he didn’t get a chance to take a shower before he hopped into bed with you. We all know the…

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Thoughts…….

Mentioning the negative aspects of casual sex is not slut shaming. Pointing out the emotional trauma that casual sex can inflict is not slut shaming. Pointing out the difference between casual sex and an open relationship is not slut shaming. Sex positive is not the Opposite of Slut Shaming. I don’t need to be Sex Positive to have a healthy and Happy Sex Life.

Casual Sex and Statutory Rape

Kelsey Cowie:

When I think back to that 16 year old girl sleeping with a man in his mid twenties I can’t help but cringe. At 16 I thought I was an adult, I thought I handled sex more maturely than most adults did because I could not form attachments with the people I was sleeping with. Now I can say that at 16 I was just a child. My sex organs were matured but my mind was not. It sickens me to think of all the men that have sex with teenage GIRLS. They are girls not adult women. These men use and take advantage of a child’s mind and body and hide behind the fact that it was consensual, and that she “looks older.”
If I could I would tell him that he is a monster, no better than a child molester. He preyed on a girl who he knew was broken and weak and that makes him the worst.
I remember the lyrics to Alanis Morissette’s song Hands Clean, “We’ll fast forward to a few years later, and no one knows except the both of us, and I have honored your request for silence but you’ve washed your hands clean of this.” An adult having Sex with a minor is wrong and it is not to be accepted.

Originally posted on Sexpectations89:

I was 16 and he was my best friends 24 year old brother. I thought I was a woman back then because I shaved my vagina, wore thongs, pushup bras  and had sex. I thought I knew everything about sex and relationships. Back then, at the tender age of 16 I thought I seduced this man into bed with me. Arrogantly, I believed that I had power over him, that I was in control of the situation because I controlled erection.

He was engaged to a woman overseas when I met him, and I was sleeping around with any and everybody. I was lonely, even though I always had some guy on top of me. I thought that because he was older he would be able to understand me.

When we met he had this look of overwhelming lust in his eyes, and I thought it was funny.  Every time…

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Feminism, Casual Sex and Open Relationships

This is an educational piece and I would ask that everyone read this carefully. I was inspired to write this after having a discussion on Thought  catalog about casual sex. There is a lot of confusion that surrounds casual sex practices. Before you do it, know what is about then make an informed decision. Great news,  common sense does not require a degree. Happy reading :).

Casual sex and open relationships are like apples and oranges, both are fruits but both are different.

An open relationship is where both partners agree that they can have sexual relations with others. I have no experience with open relationships so I can’t say much on it but I do believe a lot of women pushing for this Casual  Sex Movement/Hookup Culture, and its” freedoms” want and are involved in open relationships. They want the relationship and emotional connectedness that casual sex lacks, and they want the freedom of sleeping with other people or mainly  the ability to accept openly that their partner is sleeping  with other people without feeling humiliated or judged. In my book I mention   that women want the intercourse and men want the sex. When you join private parts its called sexual intercourse, with an open relationship it seems that both parties get what they want? I believe that some of these feminist, and women really want a relationship because  they talk about connecting with the other person. Casual sex is not about connecting emotionally, lets join private parts, that is the only connection. When I hear women defending casual sex as this emotionally satisfying situation that is not selfish, and has regard for the other person and people around them  I think, “You my dear are misinformed,”if that is the case you are not involved in the casual sex  lifestyle.

The pattern I see is women still wanting the relationship, the connection, the friendship, the care, and  the concern, so why shove this idea of casual sex and its perks down other peoples throats when you have not experienced, or lived it, when you want a relationship and not casual sex? Why encourage other women , young women to go down a path that more than likely leads to misery when you get to have your cake and eat it too.  I would ask that these women, and  men stop misleading our youth about casual sex and talk about their convenient open relationships instead.  

It is essential to define the relationship because then you can properly act and make an informed choice. Casual sex is that  grey area  between black and white but its still grey, and the fact that it is grey is not left up to perception its factual. How you navigate through an open relationship is completely different from how you would engage in casual sex. One is inclusive of a relationship, connection, and sharing, a soft place to rest your head at night knowing that this man is there, the other is lonely, there is no care or concern and there should be no expectation of any form of emotional support.

Casual sex then becomes the cop out  and scapegoat for an open relationship. No woman really wants to admit that, “Hey I’m in an open relationship, he has sex with whoever he wants, I have sex with who I want but we support each other emotionally, we just choose to have different sex partners simultaneously or at the same time.” Be honest, it’s a little embarrassing, and humiliating. Stop pushing polyamory and disguising it as casual sex. Besides society is more accepting of casual sex than of open or polyamorous  relationships. .People understand having multiple partners to a point but its harder to understand being in a relationship but wanting to have sex with other people and the other person having knowledge of that. One must ask the question then why even bother being in a relationship? Does that man even love or care about you? Do you really care about him? So some choose to call it casual sex, which is insulting to anyone like myself who has engaged in casual sex and it is misleading to the people who have not engaged in casual sex.

There is confusion about what casual sex is and isn’t. The word “casual”  is lack of commitment ,devoid of emotion, and sex is your penis or vagina, putting t the two terms, action and parts, together  there is no room left  for concern, or this lasting partnership or friendship; if so you  were  or are more than likely in an open relationship.  ” Casual sex” is supposed to be easy, no stings,  but because of  the way our bodies fit together during sex it does not work out that way all the time. Someone,  more than likely the woman catches feelings from just the touch of a penis and she is confused. The act of sex alone tells you that there is nothing casual about it, yet some  continue to push the notion that “casual” sex exists. There is nothing casual about a penis penetrating your vagina. I don’t understand why feminist get angry when I say that casual sex is selfish, its supposed to be, isn’t that what they are fighting for “sexual freedom”and  women can have sex just like a man.” But no, they are mistake and confused because they don’t even understand what casual sex is, they bend it to fit a convenient description of an open relationship. And we go back to the point that women engaging in casual sex want some form of a RELATIONSHIP.

 Casual sex is selfish, no one goes out of their way to have a one night only to consciously think about how it will affect the next person. Who does that? Seriously, in what world, what fantasy, fairy tale, fiction does someone have casual sex with you and think hmm I wonder how she will feel afterwards? How will this affect my family and friends close to me? This type of thinking is not realistic. And if you do have casual sex with that mindset it is not for you.

Don’t get an open relationship confused with casual sex. Please, ladies for your own well being don’t confuse the two. If you want an open relationship fine, if you want to have casual sex that is fine too, but please don’t hide behind one and skew its meaning because your lifestyle is not as accepted.

You need to respect the behavior and live in the reality of the situation not a sugar coated version of what it could be, not a rationalization that casual sex or an open relationship is this great amazing experience full of love and care, and connection. Stop pretending. In this  moment I ask, that you be real with yourself.

Intimate Matters

Kelsey Cowie:

Very Informative piece. Happy Reading :)

Originally posted on See, there's this thing called biology...:

America is a funny country, we have these strange attitudes towards sex, kind of a blend between uptight puritan values and anything goes. You may think those two extremes could not exist together, but I assure you, we somehow manage to pull it off. Sex is in your face 24/7, on your TV, in advertising, music videos, on billboards. Sex is everywhere and apparently everybody is having a great deal of it. On the other hand, we love to revel in the darker aspects, perhaps as some kind of defensive declaration that we do after all, have some standards?

Very few people want to talk about healthy sexuality. It’s simply not done. Our churches certainly don’t want to touch it with a ten foot pole, and neither do our schools. Politicians avoid it like the plague, any mention of sexual matters in their case, usually involves scandal. We are both…

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I’ve Been Attacked

Again some feminists don’t like to admit the truth about casual sex, or listen to someone elses not so fairy tale like experience… If you have had a bad casual sex experience it does not make you unintelligent, you don’t need a degree to validate your experience. This is not an ideology this is real life and my aim is to help and educate all women regardless of what they believe. I am here to encourage all women to share their story good or bad, and know that they are not alone.