Casual Sex and Sexual Abuse

Shower, hot scalding water, hunched over crying. How did I end up in this bathroom? Looking up at the ceiling I’m searching for the answer my eyes are darting around and I’m lost. Confused, where am I? Fast forward. Floating. I must be floating up the stone stairs and I see you staring at me through the sunlight. Fear and guilt grip my heart our eyes meet and you know I’ll never tell. Never tell, never tell, I promise.

When I was a little girl around ten years old I was molested by a monster. From the minute  he put his hand on me I was changed, I was different. He took my voice and because of him I was afraid to say no. Because of that monster I let every man touch me. At ten I wasn’t innocent anymore. And if I could, I would scrape away his hand prints from me.

He took the control right out of my hands, he took the love I had for myself and made it his own. All I ever wanted was closure and I searched in everybody for it but I could not find it. I  was insecure and I couldn’t understand why. I felt worthless and I couldn’t understand why.  He made me feel ugly. He was a parasite living inside of me making me sick.

I didn’t just fall onto some random guys dick, I had sex for the first time because I was curious, and because my teenage brain thought that it was the magic dance that would make some man love me. It was in a van and it was far romantic. I remember screaming stop in my head but I could not get the words out. I remember watching myself get jerked around like a rag doll on a sharp, emotionless knife.

Sexual abuse allowed me to disconnect and disassociate during my casual sex encounters. I wasn’t there, that wasn’t really me sleeping with all those men. Because I wasn’t there emotionally during sex, I felt nothing for those men. They meant nothing to me. I was in control, I was the sexual aggressor, by not saying no they couldn’t force me into doing anything I didn’t want to.

I said no once. I said it  to that monster. But he didn’t listen. So I thought what’s the point with saying no ?  I told him he wasn’t supposed to but he touched me anyways, and I don’t remember what happened after that, and even now I don’t think I want to.

Sexual abuse objectifies the child. The abuser dissects and dismembers that child’s body. It is a selfish act, it is about the physical and mental gratification of the abuser. 

Casual sex is selfish. It is about self-gratification. It’s all about your vagina and how good his penis feels to you. It’s about you having sex for you, for whatever reason you want to. Do not have casual sex if you are doing it to please the man, to make the man happy, to make the man love you or like you, or because the man wants you to, if the sex is not about you then you won’t be happy with the end result.

My story is not does not speak for every woman. Not every woman who has been raped, or molested engages in casual sex. For me, that was just what I ended up doing, it was my way of trying to resolve the confusion in my mind. Sex was my escape, I could use it to get things, it was my band aid, and my medication. Only, sleeping around made it worse. Here I was, saying yes, but thinking no, and feeling disgusted at them and at me afterward.

For the women that have suffered through any type of sexual abuse, casual sex is not the answer.Sex is not the medication that will make your mind right.  Sex will not erase the memories about what happened to you. Casual sex may just make it worse.

There is help available. Always remember that you are a precious jewel, you, no matter your sexual experience are loved and worth loving.

I found this blog inspirational and helpful : http://littlegirlintherain.com/

Helpful Websites:

http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/

http://www.rainn.org/

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Casual Sex, Panty Etiquette, and Self-Worth

When I was a teenager I thought  my self- worth jumped out of my bedroom window along with me. I thought I lost it along with  favorite my panty that night. I noticed when they fell out of the van but I was too ashamed to pick them up. Knowingly, leaving behind your panty is poor panty etiquette. It’s not cute, and you have just wasted your hard earned money on a panty you will never see again. I have never heard of a man forgetting his boxers, or briefs so the next time you decide to have casual sex, remember to take your panty with you.  Because my panty kissed the pavement only three blocks away from where I lived, I had the pleasure of passing by them day after day. They looked pitiful discarded on the side of the road, wet, dirty, discolored and run-over, kind of like how I felt back then. With each passing day the appearance of my  panty got worse, and finally, one day it was gone.

I knew then that my panty would be forever lost to me. I knew then that I would never be able to erase the impression of his penis from my vagina and I thought then that  my self-worth was gone. I often felt the pang of regret as I walked passed the same spot my panty used to lay.

As time went on, I realized that it wasn’t the panty that I missed so much. It was the events of that night that caused me grief. I wanted to take back what I thought I lost that night. I thought I lost my self-worth somewhere in that van, or maybe the guy I was with that night took it with him. Maybe it was in his pockets? Or hidden underneath his bed? Wherever my worth was I needed to get it back.

It took me five years or longer to realize that my worth never left me. Self-worth is not a tangible object like money, or clothes, that can be lost, it is an intangible trait that all humans share. All people have worth, all women have worth. The longer you go without believing that you have value, the longer it will take for you to recognize that you do have self- worth.

The strippers, the prostitutes,the escorts, the promiscuous girls at your job or in your classroom, the porn stars, all have worth.

What helped me understand I already had Worth.

Even after I got closure from the guy who made me feel like I was nothing, even after the only guy who ever saw me in my entirety said that he loved me, I still felt worthless. I even etched the word worthless into my skin, (that topic will be discussed in another post). I opened my Bible one day and I read that this man named Jesus died for me. This Jesus could love even me. That was how I came to understand that I had worth. I won’t force my beliefs down your throat, however way you want to find it,  no matter what you believe or don’t believe, whether you are what some christians define as “pure” or not  WOMAN YOU HAVE WORTH.

My Challenge to You.

You’ve tried men, sex, drugs, the works and you’re still not satisfied. Why not give God a try?

Sex as Currency

 Sex in exchange for anything other than something with monetary value is not an even trade. There are women out there that try to purchase love, or affection with sex. Men know that women will give sex to feel loved, or wanted. And often times, women enjoy the intimacy of sex, the closeness they feel to this man that they want to validate them. He is so kind right before sexBut fifteen minutes of what feels like love does not last, and the kindness quickly goes away.

He gets satisfaction before, during, and after sex, and you don’t. What he is doing to you feels like love, but why do silent tears run down your cheeks as your face is smothered in the pillow? Why suffer through unsatisfactory sex and get nothing in return? You get no love, no money, not even an ice pack to soothe your throbbing insides – you are left with nothing. And you wonder why you feel empty?

I do not condone prostitution, but at least the prostitute, or escort has realistic expectations of what to get from a man when she has casual sex with him. She verbalizes what she wants in exchange for sex, unlike the woman who  gives sex to get a relationship but never expresses  that she wants commitment. Sex is not your cash cow for a steady dependable flow of emotions.

When I was younger I dabbled in prostitution. At the time, I was heartbroken and angry.  I just wanted to feel good, and sex didn’t do that for me anymore. I met a pimp who asked why I was sleeping with my ex boyfriend for free? Why was I giving my body to a man who didn’t appreciate it? He said to me, “You’re worth more than that.” He made sense. Having sex with my ex was not going to make him want me any more than he already did, I was just doing it to be close to him. It didn’t feel good anymore, so I figured that the pimp made  sense. I even started getting naked on camera for money.  I can honestly admit that suffering through a painful penis prison while a large hippo rammed me felt worth it when I saw all those hundred dollar bills stacked on the bed. I was getting something for giving something. I didn’t feel like I gave and gave and got nothing in return, which is often what a lot of women feel like when they have casual sex. Sex can only be used as currency to buy tangible things not to buy a person’s love or affection.

Sex is not the price that you have to pay to buy emotions from a man. Sex will not buy you beauty. It will not give you power. And sex will not make him love you, nor will it make you love yourself. As deep as the vagina is love, beauty, and self-worth are not hidden there, and a man’s penis is not the key that will unlock them.

Thankfully, I stopped selling sex, and I found in Jesus a man who could love me knowing my past, knowing that I was a prostitute, knowing that I got naked over the internet for money, knowing that I had been with more men than I could remember, and guess what? This Jesus loved me and wanted me. For the women out there, who are struggling and feel trapped in the lifestyle of prostitution, there is hope. There is life and love after using sex as currency.

The Nasty Truth About Casual Sex

I am going to tell you the stuff about casual sex that no one wants to think about let alone repeat out loud. It is an ugly truth. I am not saying this to scare anyone but it’s time to be honest about the realities of casual sex.

Do not trust the man or men that  you are having casual sex with. That’s a fact  that often gets forgotten during the moment.  Remember to always use protection, and by protection, I mean a condom.

If he is having casual sex with you, he probably is having casual sex with other women too. He isn’t obligated to tell you that four hours ago he had sex with someone else. He had sex with the someone else without a condom, and he didn’t get a chance to take a shower before he hopped into bed with you. We all know the sex ritual: you perform oral sex on this guy whose dirty dick was just in someone else’s vagina and it ended up in your mouth. Gross right?

I forgot to mention that he had oral sex with the someone else and now the bacteria from  the someone else’s vagina  is in your mouth and in your vagina. And to be realistic, lets say that the someone else that he had sex with, is having casual sex with another guy, and the other guy had sex with another woman who gave  him a yeast infection.

The yeast infection circles back to you. Now, try to imagine if this was Herpes, HIV, or something more permanent. Because of one night of casual sex you are stuck with, for the rest of your life, some disgusting, uncomfortable STD.

You have to deal with the gross discharge, the itching, and the odor all on your own. You have to deal with  the anxiety of wondering, “could this be an std?” You have to go to the doctor’s appointment on your own.  You have to lay down with your  legs spread wide open  in the stirrups alone, while a doctor pokes and prods you with cold metal instruments. You have to deal with the STI’s alone.  You have to deal with pregnancy scares, the abortions and paying for the Plan B all alone. Sure no strings sounds fun,maybe? But do you really want to deal with the all of the unnecessary  crap that goes along with it? And if you aren’t worried about contracting an STI,  you should be.

Again, I do not condone casual sex, but if  that’s the path you choose, make sure that you are prepared. Do you want to deal with the stress of worrying about who else’s vagina the guy you are sleeping with has been in? Do you really want a dirty dick? Don’t you think you deserve better than that? Telling your “friend with benefits” that you think he give you an STD now that’s awkward.

Pussy Power

I don’t mean to pop your bubble but, if you are walking around with your head in the clouds  thinking that you have super pussy powers, you are sadly mistaken. Guess what? All women have vaginas. Sure they may look different, and smell different, but they all have the same function. What makes yours better than anyone else’s?

I have seen women’s faces light up because some man told them that they had the best pussy he has ever had – that  their pussy is so tight. Guess what? Every woman’s vagina is tight. Men know that by lying to you, and telling you that you have pussy power, you will feel good about yourself, and your legs will stay open a little while longer. I don’t know who came up with the term pussy power, but whoever it was, did women a huge disservice. Pussy power does not mean that you are powerful. Stop personalizing it.

When it comes  to casual sex, it’s all about the vagina, not you the person as a whole. Nothing is personal about casual sex. But how can that be? When’s he’s kissing you, touching you, telling you he’s the best he’s ever had, saying you’re his, and your pussy is his, you can’t help but take it personally. Feelings are not always reality.Sex is powerful, not you. Women tend to personalize sex, that is why sexual rejection feels like they are being rejected in their entirety.

All of the power is gone when he starts to make you question your beauty, and self-worth. The power is gone when you are willing to do anything to feel like you are in control, and it is gone when you do things you don’t feel comfortable with to get that affirmation. When a woman uses sex for power she is a puppet being jerked around by the very person she wants to control. What happens when he does not want to have sex with you again? Does that mean you are inadequate? You are not worth keeping? What happens when he doesn’t validate your worth?  How does that make you feel?  What if every man you have sex with never talks to you again? Do you still think that you have pussy power? In the world of casual sex and one night stands, the woman is a powerless replaceable commodity.

Your vagina is not powerful, but you are. A man can get sex from any woman who is willing and able, but there is only one you. You, woman, are a powerful vessel.

The Cycle of Casual Sex and Sexual Rejection

Anytime you have sex with a man, you are sharing  yourself with that man. You cannot erase the memory of his penis from your vagina, and you cannot take back the bodily fluids that you shared with him. With casual sex, no strings attached doesn’t exist. Imagine if you had a one night stand with some random guy and two months later you saw him at your job or in your class, you both share the knowledge that you had sex. Now, having sex with him may not mean anything to him or to you, but the simple fact that you both introduced your private parts to each other is a string enough.

How does one get stuck in the cycle of casual sex and  sexual rejection?

Sexual rejection is usually what sends women flying, panties down into casual sex.  I will use myself as example and maybe some of you can relate.

I was a young teenager when I first started having casual sex. For some reason I had a crush on this fat guy who was ashamed to be seen with me in public. Thank God, I can laugh about it now. Anyways, making a long story short, we had sex and two weeks later he told me not to contact him. Ouch! Not to mention that he was the first guy I had sex with.

I felt as if something was wrong with me sexually. Was I not attractive enough? Was something wrong with my vagina? Were my breasts too small? Physically, something had to be wrong with me. I mean he didn’t know me, we never even kissed, even after we had sex. I had to prove to myself and to him that I was normal, that even though he didn’t want me that other men would.  I thought that if other men had sex with me and wanted me that I would be sticking it to him in some way. And he would be full of regret and would want me.

I started having sex with a lot of different men, and I even found a way to keep them coming back, many wanting a relationship. I thought that would assuage the hurt I felt over my first sexual encounter, but it didn’t.

Because I never wanted to feel the loneliness of rejection, I started sleeping with multiple men at the same time. Here I was, going from man to man,like a girl swinging from monkey bar to monkey bar. I went to school with some, some were my friends’ brothers – they were everywhere. I couldn’t stop sleeping with them even if I wanted too because, I never wanted to feel thrown away, tossed aside, or rejected again. Luckily for me, I didn’t have to deal with rejection after that first time, and even if I did, I had become so emotionally callous that I could not feel a thing. If I was rejected, I always had another man around that I could latch on to.

That first time I was rejected sexually sent me spiraling down into a very unfulfilled world of casual sex. Being so young, I could not understand that there was nothing wrong with me. Having sex with a random guy is a quick fix to a broken heart, or injured self-esteem, but it is just a band aid effect. Sex just numbs the hurt for a little while. By sleeping around you are creating an even bigger problem

Casual sex and sexual rejection go hand in hand. The cycle can be hard to recognize and hard to break.

There is hope, life and love after casual sex and sexual rejection. Sex does not define who you are and what you are worth.