Category Archives: Sexual history

Its Okay

Having Casual Sex and getting attached does not make you unintelligent or immature it just makes you human. I dont believe in slut shaming. I don’t believe in insulting a woman based on the way she has sex. I don’t believe in telling women to suppress their emotions. It is okay to make mistakes especially with your sexuality, granted some are more permanent than others. What I give you here on this blog is real life experience you wont find it written in a text book, its something that can’t be taught. I am not ashamed of my past, of feeling rejected at times, of feeling like I had pussy power, of using sex as a tool,  or of being vain and shallow about sex . It’s all okay. For the women that have casual sex and feel worthless or used Ive been there to0, and that’s normal. Just know that you already have worth within yourself and that you were not used you made a choice. Its okay to feel, to cry,  to get depressed over a guy you had casual sex with, it IS normal and  its part of being human.Trust me you will get over it, thats a promise :).


Loose Strings

I’m so numb I can’t feel for myself far less for anyone else at times. Being numb is how I survived.Having been sex worker for a short time and being as promiscuous as I was  people always assume that I was a cold, callous and a heartless woman. Of course I had to appear to be that way I had to look out for myself. Because I never felt inclined to end a casual relationship I have a lot of loose strings left hanging around.

These strings haunt me. I’m afraid to see them again. I don’t want them to see me, the girl that has scarred herself so deeply that the skin is raised, I don’t want them to see me the size 1 that is now a size 2-3, I don’t want them to see me weak and defenseless and human. Loving someone else made me sofer, loving myself made me softer too, and being loved made me desire the tenderness and comfort of a loving relationship. I don’t like showing just anyone that I am human.

My loose strings show up at my front door unexpectedly,they call me on the phone, and message me on facebook, I even see them in them in the supermarkets. Some leave me gifts and cards wanting to know why I just stopped communicating with them ? They seem to care so much and yet I care so little. I feel an inkling of compassion for some, those who have been there since the beginning, some were even better to me than my “actual friends.” But I don’t care enough to communicate with them, I make broken promises, I say I’ll text or call, I lie and say I’ve moved, and I don’t pick up the phone.

I thought casual sex was supposed to be no strings but that’s impossible isn’t it. I share common knowledge that with each individual one, it’s not something that plagues my mind, but its stored somewhere in the back of my brain. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to be found by any of them, I don’t want to experience this person’s xray vision remembering my body, the sounds I made, the way I felt, and the things I said. I don’t want to feel that shame that my boyfriend feels when he wonders what I guy have been with and what type of sex I had with them.

I made a rule to never date a guy had casual sex with and guess what? I’m sticking to it. I made one exception, he was the only exception and thankfully he was the right exception.

This to you, all of you, every single one of my loose strings, you’re mine because our memories belong to me. I know I will be the last one to forget even though I was the first to let go. I hope you find this one day when you’re older, when I’m a fading memory, when you have a daughter of your own then maybe you will understand why I treated you the way that I did :

I hate you, or something very close to hate. You disgust me, in fact I find you very repulsive.  I don’t want to be friends with you, nor do I want to talk to you. You could never keep that disgusting thing away from me, I hate how easily you showed me  your weakness.You are bothersome, why can’t you let you?  Why can’t you leave me alone? I used you for various reasons, sex included.  You are nothing but a shameful notch in my belt, and  one number out of many. I want to hurt you. I want to give you misery. I want to give you pain even though you did nothing to me that I didn’t want and if I didn’t want it I know I never bothered to mention. I don’t get rejected, I do the rejecting so stop getting in my way and preventing me from being happy. Forget me, my sex is the only thing you know about me anyway. But if this was just casual why do I feel uncomfortable letting you go? Why can’t I face you? I don’t want to be cruel so please leave me alone.

I shared this today on my blog because this is a reality of casual sex that needs to seen, this is not gold star sticker sex, this is not a fairytale, there is nothing casual about exchanging bodily fluids with someone else.You may be like me and never admit it, but I will admit  that I feel, I have feelings, I feel bad for hurting others and it hurts letting go of , and the regret hurts too.  I wanted to give my readers a peak into my mind when I was involved  in the  casual sex lifestyle, my feelings, and thoughts then and now. Casual sex is not a game there are very real consequences that follow you, some for the rest of your life.



Your Identity and Sexual Abuse

Dear Abbie,
               When you were 9 something horrible happened to you. There was nothing I could do but watch because I was only a child back then too. Because I was helpless at protecting you I carried you around out of guilt for years thinking that not forgetting about that horrible day would make it up to you, make it up to myself. You were burdensome. You shaped who I was, you shaped the person I became and all the while I was growing up and going through life making the decisions of an abused 9 year old girl. I used your pain to fuel my existence, you were the reason for going on and when I wanted to die you were my excuse. I blamed you for all the bad things I had done and for all the things I could never be. I had a hard time accepting your you and in turn I could not accept myself. And as much as I resented you for being 9, and for being helpless, as much as I wanted to move on with my life I continued to hold on to you out of guilt. Abbie this is goodbye. I’m not 9 anymore. I want to give you peace. You don’t have to hover over me like a dark a cloud anymore, you don’t have to look after me anymore. I survived. I have a hopeful future ahead of me. I’m happy, and even though I will never get closure from the man that hurt you and myself, I forgive him. I forgive myself for making bad decisions that only compounded what was done to me and to you. Letting go of you does not mean that I will forget you, how can I when you are part of me. You no longer define who I am. I’m moving on to a future without you and I am leaving you in the past. Before I close the coffin on almost two decades of keeping you with me, I want to tell you that I’m sorry that happened to you, I’m so sorry.

After I was abused at 9 I soon started calling myself by my other name Kelsey, I thought that Abigail( Abbie) was an unlucky name. I will always be separated from that child, and when I describe who I know I know is myself I always want to show the separation of self which I believe is common with children who have been abused.

I think a lot adults who have been abused as children have a hard time letting go of that child that was abused. I had a conversation with a fellow blogger, I appreciate her concern for me but I don’t need anymore medication nor do I need a therapist. She wanted me to get help because I admitted that I still cut myself every now and then, I exercise obsessively sometimes, I have flashbacks when I’m about to orgasm with my boyfriend, I’m numb and I can’t feel anything when I remember what happened to me at 9 and I don’t like to use my voice to vocalize what happened to me. I’m imperfect just like the next person, I will never be healed completely. I don’t need to dwell on what happened, Im blessed to be able to move on with my life. My advice to someone who has been abused is that what happened to you as a child does not define you, should not be your motivation to live. Let go and be free that is the best gift you can give to that child and to yourself. I am the master of self medication, I have tried medication prescribed by a psychiatrist and I have tried therapy. I do not feel compelled to dwell on it any further. There are people who need medication and therapy because the abuse was so severe, or because they can’t cope and that is fine too but you will never be healed completely.We have to stop aiming for completion when we want healing from abuse, it is not possible, and that is what makes us human. You will never go back to being the person you were before the abuse and that is okay.  I will never forget and other victims out there will never forget the abuse but I don’t need to remind myself of it daily.Its okay to talk about it, cry about it, and remember it, that will never go away but you can have a life that is not inclusive of the abuse. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on if you can, and take those broken pieces and do something great with them by  helping  yourself first then helping others. Sexual abuse does not define who you are. There is hope, love, happiness, success and life after abuse.


Sex With Your Guy Friend: Excerpt from Casual Sex is For the Shallow

“If you were just friends before you introduced your vagina to his penis, you are still going to be friends after they have met. Sex complicates platonic relationships. Often times the woman is on the losing end of the stick. Sleeping with your male friend is the perfect situation for him. He doesn’t have to spend money or extra time on you, he doesn’t have to commit to you, he’s getting sex, and he gets to remain friends with you. Also, he can date and sleep with other women with a clear conscience because he does not have a relationship with you.

I have seen many women bitter, angry and hurt because the man they slept with denied sleeping with them. If that does not sound the alarm that he does not want a relationship, I don’t know what else will. Trying to prove, or make him admit that he had sex with you, is not going to get your worth or confidence back, nor is it going to take back the mutual sex that you had with him.”

Get educated about Casual Sex today by reading this short Guide on Casual Sex!

The Man in Pursuit of No Strings: Excerpt from Casual Sex is for the Shallow

“This man is a shallow creature. He pays very close attention to physical attributes before he gets into a relationship with you, especially if  he just want to use you like a Kleenex and throw you away or keep you around like a pocket handkerchief.

He notices the shape and color of your eyes, if you have a mole on your chin, the shape of your lips, what you smell like, whether you have dandruff or not, the length of your hair, the size of your breasts, if your hips are uneven and if you have manicured toes. This man does not need to approach you to notice most of these physical traits. Have you ever noticed how some men will size you up, leering at you, looking at you up and down?  He isn’t looking for personality; he doesn’t want to get to know you.  This man does not want a relationship. He wants no strings. He searches for a woman who has “never done this before” and is curious, or is drunk enough to let go of her inhibitions, or the woman in the corner screaming with insecurity. To this man any woman who is willing will do. He just wants to play “show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”  He doesn’t care if you’re a good person, whether you are a stranger or his co-worker that he sees 5 days a week. He merely wants to scratch the surface of your emotions and drown in the place where most women with inexperience keep their emotions stowed away, not in their head, not in their heart, but in their vaginas.”

Stopped Having Casual Sex, now what?

For me casual sex was a lifestyle. From my teens to my early twenties I could not shake the habit, it was like smoking, or drinking. Casual sex for me was habitual. For almost a decade I engaged in a casual sex lifestyle, and then I stopped, and I thought to myself now what?

First of all stopping was not easy, truthfully it was lonely. Not that casual sex isn’t lonely because it is, but for those few minutes, hours or whatever you’re not.  When you are involved in the casual sex lifestyle you have multiple partners simultaneously, there is not time to focus on loneliness.

I stopped sleeping around and realized that I had to stop communicating with all the guys I had casual sex with. To me, many were not worth contacting and saying “goodbye to”. I was not going to send a text, or email, or call. I’m 99.99999 percent sure that none would have cared whether they heard from me or not, the only thing they would contact me for would have  been for  sex and after almost 8 years of sleeping around I was tired of it.

I needed real friends. I only had one or two girlfriends and I know now the importance of a sisterhood. I needed female companionship, a safe community of women that I could talk to and rely on for support and advice.

Finding a hobby was essential after I stopped having casual sex. A hobby is important because it helps occupy the mind, and is a great distraction from the loneliness that does occur after you stop communicating with men you have had casual sex with.

In my earlier posts I state that habitual casual sex is a symptom of a deeper problem, for me it was a string of problems one compounded by the other. I needed to find something to fill the emptiness in my soul, the ache in my chest, the yearning for someone else, and that person was Jesus.  I found hope in Him. In Him I found the strength to break away from that lifestyle. Sex had a hold on me but God was able to set me free.

I started this blog to help women of all races, religions and backgrounds. I offer hope not only to those who believe in God but to those who don’t. If you are struggling casual sex, there is help and there is hope for  you. I tried and failed for 8 long years but one day I was finally able to walk away form that lifestyle. Casual sex can ,and does become a lifestyle.

Lastly, many times because of my past sexaul history, I felt obliged to have sex especially with the same partners. Or I felt  because I did it with everyone else, what’s one more? You have the power to stop. You have the power to say no. Sex is not a chore, it’s not something that you have to do. Sex does not define you or your worth. You are so much more than what you do with what’s between your legs.

On Mind Condoms : An Excerpt from Casual Sex is for The Shallow

“As a woman it is important to understand sex before engaging in it. Understanding what is happening to your body physically is just as important as what is happening emotionally.  Overlooking the emotional aspect of sex is just as dangerous as forgetting to use a condom— in fact it is even more dangerous. You will not get an STI every time you don’t wear a condom, but every time you have sex without the protection of a committed, safe, monogamous relationship you are damaging your psyche. I have seen “dick” make women go crazy.  There is nothing good about crazy. And unfortunately mind condoms don’t exist. Protect yourself before engaging in casual sex, by knowing and understanding that as a woman, sex is as much physical as it is emotional.” 

Casual Sex is for the Shallow  is the modern day Mind Condom because it offers knowledge and understanding of what causal sex is so that all women can make an educated decision on whether casual sex is the right choice.