Tag Archives: casual sex

Another Chance…..

Wouldn’t it be nice to be born again? To get a chance to have a fresh start and completely erase all the horrible things you’ve done and all the horrible things that have been done to you. I watched a movie about a girl that was physically abused by her mother. Because of that abuse she was a very damaged adult  that did pretty terrible things. Being overwhelmed by the guilt of the things she had done and unable to forget what had been done to her  she ended up committing suicide . She ended  her life with the hope that she would be born again and have a better life. I could never really understand the reasoning behind incarnation but after watching this film, I get it.

I too, have said many times that I want another chance, ” God give  me the chance to be born again, to live a different life, to make better choices.” I’ve said so in fits of anger, and pain, forgetting that as a Christian I have been born again.  That I too, will die and have a fresh start in heaven but not only in heaven here on earth as well.  Because Jesus died for me I am not shacked by the mistakes of my past, or of the pain inflicted upon me by others and myself. I am free. I may never forget what I have done or what was done to me but because I know I am free  I can choose to live a better life. I have hope in Christ that tomorrow will be better than today.

Sometimes life can be painful. Living itself, being human is painful. Maybe you want another chance but you don’t see a way out. Maybe, you’re too scared to stop what you’re doing and try something different.  Or maybe you feel like you deserve to suffer or be punished because of  the things you’ve done or things others have done to you.  What I want to say is this,”In Jesus Christ you have another chance, in fact because He loves you so much you have many chances. There is hope to live a better life and make a different choice, a better choice and you don’t need to be reincarnated for that.

In terms of sexual abuse or sexual activity it can feel like you’re forever marked or scarred by what has happened to you or by your choices.  It can feel like you’re stuck, stuck forever with the remnants of your past  forever stained and wounded on the inside. Because its your body, a body that you can’t change you may feel like in this life “I will never have another chance, because no amount of washing, or cutting, or starving, will ever make me clean again.”  But I’m here to tell myself and to tell you that in this life you can have another chance. Jesus sees you and in Him you are whole, He sees you and He wants you to come as you are.  At least, that is my hope, and my belief. Tomorrow will be better than today. Choose to be free.  God bless.

Image by Judy Prosser http://www.judyprosser.com.au/prints&cards/Prints/309.htm

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God loves you

Good Morning,

I would be doing an injustice on this blog if I didn’t mention the love of God.  God loves you. He wants you. He understands you.  He wants to save you from your sin and your  suffering and give you peace. Perhaps by saying this I am reminding myself of the love God has for me.

I’ve been at the very bottom. Struggling since I can remember with self worth, struggling with abusing my body, and abusing my mind even today. Sin has had a strong hold but in Christ I know I am free.

How could God love a vile person such as me? Well,He just does. Jesus loves me and He loves you too. His love is free, you don’t have to earn it, you don’t have to starve yourself for it, or cut yourself, or be abused, you don’t need to be beautiful to get it, He just loves you and me.   Because Jesus suffered and died for my sins I do not have to have to punish myself, I do not have to be weighed down by guilt. In Jesus Christ I am free and you can be too.

We are looking for love. Looking for acceptance.  Some of us looking for riches, for fame. We all want validation. But that is the hunger and the thirst  that our souls have for God. We feel if we have love from a man it will satisfy our longings, ease the ache in our chest, and give us peace. But you can have a good man and still be uneasy ,still be discontent, still feel empty because no man will ever love you the way that God loves you and no man can give you what God can.

Men will leave you, they disappoint you but God has always been there. He’s been there even in those times when you have felt alone. The times you feel used, ugly, worthless, the times you clinged shamelessly to a person that doesn’t want you anymore. God has been there. He’s been there when you’ve cried into your pillow, when you have self- destructed. God has been there. He’s always been there because God is love and He loves you.

The best advice I would give to anyone struggling with life, with themselves, is to cry out to God. Cry to Jesus. He’s there no matter what you have done, are doing or where you are or where you have been.  He wants to love you and He accepts you . Only God can take the ugliness of our sin and make it into something beautiful. God Bless you.

A Hurt that Won’t Quit

Do all children that have been sexually abused, objectified and exploited all grow up into adults that have a hard time feeling loved?

I have a hard time feeling love. A part of me knows I am loved but there is a part of me that can’t quite accept the love of the men in my life. I have a nagging voice in my head and aching anxiety in my heart that makes me feel like I am not loved.

It’s painful, a hurt that won’t quit. No matter how much my father tells me he loves me, no matter what he does for me I still feel unloved by him. Like a child I constantly need his assurance of love and he has to assure me the way I want to be assured. Every day he has to tell me he loves me. Every day I need hugs and validation that I am loved and accepted by my father.

With my boyfriend its even worse. Everyday multiple times a day I tell him I love him with the expectation of him saying it back. After seven years he has said it more times than I can think to remember, but it’s still not enough for me.

I have searched through him, underneath and above him trying to find the answer, trying to feel loved, looking to him for acceptance. But he is only human; there are limits to what he can do. I am emotionally draining because I am emotionally drained myself.

Despite my knowing that nothing was taken from me on the day of the death of my nine year old self, it still feels like a part of me is missing. Something is missing, I can feel it. I feel this painful hole, this void of loveless-ness and unworthiness within my chest.

I sometimes revert back to that girl crying on the shower flow. But it’s more than crying its mourning, it’s a grief that comes from deep within my belly causing my whole body to distort. It is painful. I wrote a letter to my nine year old self trying to make peace, but how can I make peace when my soul is crying out for justice. Where is justice for me? Where is my peace? It’s not in this world of that I am sure.

He sees me crying for hours over the simplest things. But 90 percent of the time the pain I feel has nothing to do with petty, insignificant matters he just happens to scratch the surface of a wound that never healed. And like a wound just a touch, makes it bleed and bleed and bleed. All the tears I never cried I am crying now. All the pain I couldn’t feel I feel it now.

Pain, pain and more pain is what that man gave to me.  He was the first man to use and dump me. He was the first person to make me feel like a pile of garbage, like nothing, like I was not human.

Grace

I am not one to comment on “celebrity” stuff but in this case I felt compelled to.

By now I am sure that most people have read about the Joshua Duggar scandal. I read his letter of apology not only to his family but to his fellow Christians as well.  I would hope that as Christians we would all show this young man grace. This scandal is one of two that have followed the idealized Christian Duggar family.

Instead of seeing failure, shame and hypocrisy I see human beings. Christians are humans too, and like everyone else we sin. Like everyone else we struggle with sin. I have heard people condemn Josh Duggar, and question his salvation. Josh Duggar suffers from a human condition that we all suffer with, something innate in us from the day that we are born. Sin. The potential for sin is in all of us, Christian and non Christian alike. We all have the potential to steal, to lie, to be a glutton, to fornicate, to practice homosexuality, it is in us. For those of us who know better because of our parents or because God Himself has convicted us we must remember to show grace because it through grace that we have been saved.

I am a Christian. But for almost a decade of my life I struggled with sin. If you have read my blog you may know that I was involved in a casual sex lifestyle. I used to tell my partners about God. I was a hypocrite but hypocrisy is part of the human condition at one point or another we are all guilty of it. I prayed and prayed for years for God to help me because there were times I wanted to stop. I prayed and I prayed, I read my bible but I still fell back into sleeping around. My transformation was not overnight, it was not an instant fix. It was a long and arduous journey. It took time and I am still a work in progress. As the song says “Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me I once was lost but now am found was blind but now I see.” Only God can take someone like myself so broken, ugly and damaged by sin and transform me into someone whole, beautiful and complete in Him.

God can turn this situation around for Josh Duggar. God can use him as a vessel to testify and to help other men that struggle with infidelity and pornography. This ugly situation can be transformed and that is our hope in God. I hope in a God that makes the impossible possible. I hope in a God that came to save the likes of me a very sick woman, that of Josh Duggar and countless of others.
If God can take the apostle Paul, a man who persecuted Christians and turn him into a stalwart of the faith, just imagine what God can do for you. With this post Christian or not I hope that in your life you will practice showing others grace.

“What can wash away my sin,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
What can make me whole again,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow, Oh,
No other fount I know, Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

Robert Lowry

Life After Casual Sex

The title might sound a little dramatic to someone who hasn’t lived a casual sex lifestyle.  But  for me it was a decade on and off of casual sex. I have since then “repented of my ways” and now I am in a long term, serious relationship.

Has casual sex affected my relationship? It most definitely has. I met my boyfriend through a casual sex encounter. Why him? I don’t know. But when I had sex with him for the first time I  cried and I believe that it was my human tears, the expression of a human being and not an object  that bound us together. And after meeting him all the times I relapsed into sleeping around with random strangers  casual sex just was not the same.

I have not posted in  some months. I have been in school and sorting out get off anti depressants. But I feel like myself again. Life after Casual Sex will be a new category featured on my blog where I discuss my journey after leaving the casual sex lifestyle.  I will continue to share my story and educate women about casual sex without the camera lens and the glamour. Again I want to thank my followers and supporters  and also those of whom are new to my blog.

Happy Blogging and Happy Reading!!

 

I hope this brings you peace at least for Tonight

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

I have a simple question, Can you accept your choice or do you need others to accept it so that you can rationalize that what you are doing to and with yourself is okay? Whatever choice it is that you are going to be making tonight or in the future I hope that it leaves you feeling at peace instead of feeling unrest.  You are the only one that has to accept your sexuality and or sexual choices . Regardless, you live with what you do with your body no else does. At the end of the day I think all humans strive for peace with themselves. Whenever I feel uneasy I read this prayer and ask God for peace, I hope that it will do the same for some of you.

The Weed

I was never treated delicately like a flower, but rather I have always been tossed about, picked at, pulled at and thrown away like a weed. And in harsh environments I thrive. Like the weed I am  neglected, stepped on, forgotten only remembered as a nuisance. I am fun only for a moment but never cherished or treasured like a beautiful flower. Maybe I am admired from afar because at times I have beautiful petals,  and because I am rooted firmly into the ground, but when it is discovered that I am nothing but  a common weed I am despised. And in harsh environments I thrive, in bad relationships, with cruel treatment I thrive and unlike a flower that wilts I stand strong.

This is for women that have been abused  and now struggle with self mutilation, eating disorders, flashbacks, those like myself that suffer with obsessive thinking, and at times lack of control over their emotions. I really feel like a weed, with the suns oppressive heat beating down on me, but still I thrive. I thrive in the harshest of situations, I am scarred, and beaten but I am still alive.

Like the weed destruction is in my path, I suffocate everything around me, I am self-destructive, I am always a blade away from harming not others, but myself,that is the only difference.

Ladies you are triumphant  and strong like the weed you don’t need to be a delicate flower. You can and will flourish especially when things are tough, painful and difficult, and then you will find that you are resilient, and when its all over you would find that you have endured and persevered, relapsing along the way, sometimes maybe, but you are TRIUMPHANT!