The Morning After Sex

That moment when you wake up tangled in foreign sheets in an unfamiliar bed pressed up against a cold wall next to a guy you hardly know, is always awkward. The morning after casual sex is always awkward. Do you stay and wait for him to wake up? Or do you leave without disturbing him? Should you turn the light on to try and find your panties, or do you let him find them so if you haven’t heard from him after a week, then you have a reason to call him? Should you wait a week? Is that too long?

So, you decide to leave without waking him, but he opens one eye lazily, says bye and throws the covers back over his head. What’s even worse than the awkward silence of lying next to a stranger, and trying not move is seeing him a week later and you get the cold shoulder. Plus you never got those expensive panties back. Why didn’t he call you? Not that you even wanted a relationship or anything like that, but he didn’t call you back not even for seconds?  You start feeling the heat rise in your cheeks, and for no reason you feel embarrassed. Before you know it, you are drowning in a sea of insecurity and self-doubt.

A week later, you decide to drown your sorrows at the bar, and you bump into a casual acquaintance. You’re drunk, he’s drunk and you end up at your place.  Things get hot and heavy.His shirt comes off, and your shirt comes off, and before you can blink his erection is gone. All of a sudden he’s lost interest, and he asks if he can sleep on your couch.

You want the truth, the real reason why you never heard from both guys again? What’s wrong with you? Why couldn’t he get an erection? 

Casual sex is supposed to be full of fun and fantasy. Chances are you probably had an extra ten pounds in all the wrong places. Maybe you have too much pubic hair, or your breasts are like runny eggs, or you may have an odor down there.  The author of the blog Until I get married inside the mind of the modern day bachelor   compares sex to pizza and even though I myself find this to be a gross comparison it is very accurate when describing casual sex.  Sure sex is good, but when it comes to sex with a man that does not know you, he does not want to deal with your physical imperfections. The truth is, he did not want to sleep with you again because you looked better with clothes on than off, you were boring in bed, your breasts were too small and on and on the list could go.

What does that say about you?  A man saw you naked and couldn’t get an erection. You offer free sex and you get turned down? You never hear from any of the guys you sleep with?  

Engaging in casual sex rarely has the happy ending that is often seen on TV. Sex does not define who you are. Even if you have had seven sex partners and only one called you back,  that does not make you worthless or lacking in anyway. But do you really want to treat yourself that way? 

Casual Sex

 Casual sex does not exist.

A foreign penis in your vagina is not casual. Swapping bacteria from a stranger’s mouth is not casual. Seeing someone naked before you know his last name is not casual.

 Sex is the farthest thing from casual. It is far from superficial, even though it might appear that way. The physical aspect is just one part of sex, the obvious part, but there is an emotional side to it as well. It requires sharing a part of yourself with someone else.

A penis is like a needle that pierces through the emotional walls kept deep inside of you. It can be the hand that caresses your soul or it can become your painful prison.  The penis can be the thing that makes you forget about your boring reality, or that dick can take you on a power trip. Be it, what it may, experiencing all these types of emotions because of the insertion of one sharp object is not casual.

Sex is a close, intimate experience –  it’s the closest anyone can ever get to you.  You don’t accidentally fall onto someone’s penis do you?  Someone penetrating your vagina is an action that is done with serious intent; whether the intent be pure physical gratification or out of love for the other person. Sex is always an action done with intent.

Is an activity that can cause so much physical trauma and serious emotional upset really that casual??

More on Casual Sex in my book Casual Sex is for the Shallow.

I don’t think so. But don’t take my word for it, ask the millions of women out there with low self-esteem, no self-worth, depression, STI’s, that have to fit the fifty dollar bill for plan b alone, or the ones that have had twelve sexual partners and have never been on a first date.  There is nothing casual about sex.

I’ll Be Your Bad Girl

I’ve lived it. The bad girl that meets Mr. Nice. The guy that cleans and bandages my wounds.  A man that  believes in who I am and not what I look like.  Sounds like a fairy tale, right?

 Here I was this shallow, vain18 year-old party girl, neck deep in casual sex living in hot Arizona. And I would like to think that I was as hot as the 120 degree weather.

We met in a Target parking lot,and my bright green thong was showing. I thought that he would be just another notch in my belt. A woman as callous as myself, hardened from bed hopping, had no  self-love far less  love for anyone else.

I used to believe that being sexy was enough for me to keep him around. But little did I know that he could not bring himself to love “the bad girl”. He hated being reminded of my past lovers. He wanted to cover my cleavage and conceal my protruding bum. Anything that reminded him of that former girl that I used to be he wanted gone.

But that was who I was when he met me. A troubled woman, that got drunk and trashed his apartment. I was the woman that would do it any place, anytime and anywhere he wanted. He thought, I think, that I would only be “bad” with him, that he could save me from my reckless past and my broken self. After he got fed up with my crazy antics and he asked for a break  he thought that I would be different from the way he first met me. But I wasn’t, I was just as “bad” with someone else. He thought that he could erase all the hand prints of the other men that I had been with before him, but he couldn’t and I couldn’t. It made him feel helpless.

I am surprised that we have lasted as long as we did.  And I  often wonder if people never complimented him on my appearance, if I never turned heads and caused near accidents, if the people he valued in his world didn’t call me beautiful, I wonder if he would have stuck around for so long, and given me all these chances. And yes, he did end up loving me, but we both still struggle with my past. Strangely, him more so than me.

Sleeping around with more men than I can remember was not worth it,  because it made having a relationship with the person I wanted very difficult.

I told him when we first met that I have some issues, that I am not the most stable woman, but it didn’t bother him then because he was thinking with his crotch and not with his head. Being entangled emotionally with a “bad girl” is not  fun for long.

Does size matter to women when it comes to casual sex?

Society puts a lot of emphasis on women to look a certain way especially when it comes to engaging in casual sex. We women have to be shaved, plucked, waxed, tanned, and toned. There is no room for imperfections. If we have noticeable imperfections we get talked about relentlessly, or we never hear from that person again. Enough of the pressure only being placed on us, when it comes to casual sex, appearance matters just as much for men as it does for women.

 I  am going to tell you a story about my friend “Billy”. He is your average twenty-three year old guy.  Sex is on his brain a lot. Like most men his age, Billy is as shallow as a teaspoon.

Billy and I were once more than just friends. We “explored” each other on an occasion or two. It didn’t work out for various reasons, but he wasn’t worth keeping around for three particular reasons. First he smelt. He had a very strong musty smell. He smelt like damp linen, it was very obtrusive and suffocating. It made me want to run out of the room and I can imagine that it made countless of other women want to do the same. Second, he is a one-minute-man. His performance was focused around his gratification.  His inability to last longer than sixty seconds made me laugh into the pillow.

One random day after I had not heard from Billy in a month or two, he sent me a text asking me if he had a small penis. Reason number three why Billy could not develop a committed relationship or a lasting casual sex arrangement: he is not well endowed. Personally, I did not want to deal with a guy who was not adequately equipped in that area.  I did not care enough about him to empathize with his inadequacies. Casual sex was supposed to be fun and easy with no imperfections. He became a joke in my circle of friends.

This is what I should have said to Billy if I cared enough, “Billy, you have a very small dick.  You should not have casual sex with random strangers. The size of your dick is the reason why, myself as well as other women did not pursue anything more with you.No woman wants to deal with a man that has the penis the size of a thumb. Billy you should take the time to date and get to know the woman first. Make an emotional connection with her, and then have sex with her.”

There is a small part of me that pities him, a tiny part of me that wants to tell him that he’ll meet someone who will accept him and his small dick. But I just can’t. When it comes to casual sex for men and women alike the outward appearance is what matters.

Why put yourself through all of that humiliation?

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Slutty Slushy

What is a slutty slushy? A slutty slushy is all the intimate details of your sexual history  mixed together. And it is most often served after a heated argument. It might feel refreshing to you but it is  not appreciated by the person it gets dumped on because it is messy. Don’t drench the guy you are newly dating with  all the sticky details of your sexual history.

One of the biggest no-no’s when engaging in casual sex, any causal relationship or with the intention of starting a relationship is dumping the the sticky slutty details of your past on the guy you are trying to date.

Most men encourage this confessional. They want to know all about your bedroom business. They may ask you questions like this:

  • How many men have you had sex with?

  • Have you had anal sex?

  • Have you had a threesome?

  • When was the first time you had sex?

  • Have you ever had a one night stand?

And so on and so forth. If you are looking for a relationship I would advise not answering the above  questions.  That same guy will use  the information that he eagerly asked for against you.

Telling the guy you are interested in dating about all the free sex  you gave away is not going to make him want you, he will probably want you less. Especially when you start boohooing about all the sex you gave away without asking for a commitment . He will probably do to you what you so vividly described to him.

Ask yourself this, why shouldn’t he get what you gave to everyone else without a commitment? If it’s being offered so freely why should he say no? 

Protect yourself by keeping those not so pleasant details about your sexual past to yourself.This way if things don’t work out you will not feel as vulnerable.

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