Category Archives: A Christian Girl and Casual Sex

Grace

I am not one to comment on “celebrity” stuff but in this case I felt compelled to.

By now I am sure that most people have read about the Joshua Duggar scandal. I read his letter of apology not only to his family but to his fellow Christians as well.  I would hope that as Christians we would all show this young man grace. This scandal is one of two that have followed the idealized Christian Duggar family.

Instead of seeing failure, shame and hypocrisy I see human beings. Christians are humans too, and like everyone else we sin. Like everyone else we struggle with sin. I have heard people condemn Josh Duggar, and question his salvation. Josh Duggar suffers from a human condition that we all suffer with, something innate in us from the day that we are born. Sin. The potential for sin is in all of us, Christian and non Christian alike. We all have the potential to steal, to lie, to be a glutton, to fornicate, to practice homosexuality, it is in us. For those of us who know better because of our parents or because God Himself has convicted us we must remember to show grace because it through grace that we have been saved.

I am a Christian. But for almost a decade of my life I struggled with sin. If you have read my blog you may know that I was involved in a casual sex lifestyle. I used to tell my partners about God. I was a hypocrite but hypocrisy is part of the human condition at one point or another we are all guilty of it. I prayed and prayed for years for God to help me because there were times I wanted to stop. I prayed and I prayed, I read my bible but I still fell back into sleeping around. My transformation was not overnight, it was not an instant fix. It was a long and arduous journey. It took time and I am still a work in progress. As the song says “Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me I once was lost but now am found was blind but now I see.” Only God can take someone like myself so broken, ugly and damaged by sin and transform me into someone whole, beautiful and complete in Him.

God can turn this situation around for Josh Duggar. God can use him as a vessel to testify and to help other men that struggle with infidelity and pornography. This ugly situation can be transformed and that is our hope in God. I hope in a God that makes the impossible possible. I hope in a God that came to save the likes of me a very sick woman, that of Josh Duggar and countless of others.
If God can take the apostle Paul, a man who persecuted Christians and turn him into a stalwart of the faith, just imagine what God can do for you. With this post Christian or not I hope that in your life you will practice showing others grace.

“What can wash away my sin,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
What can make me whole again,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow, Oh,
No other fount I know, Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

Robert Lowry

Maladies of the Mind and Casual Sex

Casual sex was my comfort, my defense, sex was a tool that I used, the action that brought dopamine to my dopamine deprived brain. Casual sex did not make me depressed, instead for me, it was a symptom of my depression. Back then I probably looked like a shallow slut to my peers but It was my bandage. I needed it to feel good, my teenage mind could not understand that I was harming myself. And like smoking a joint , or drinking too much, it  just added to the longevity of my depression and  when those minutes, hours of  “fun” were over the things that plagued my mind were still there.

I went from casual sex, to drinking, to smoking, to cutting, to doing all those things simultaneously. I am the master of self-medication, unfortunately.  I missed out on learning how to soothe myself in a healthy way, self comfort for me is always self destructive. Hurting myself comforts me even at my age,  I feel pathetic admitting this but I am just being honest.

I got into a serious relationship, a long distance serious relationship, and casual sex, drinking and smoking all went out the window, and cutting remained. I always say that it has been the one constant source of comfort in my life which saddens me, it grieves me. I am in anguish to feel that taking a blade to my skin soothes me, but it does, it delivers the dopamine to my brain, the dopamine that I need. It is a coping mechanism that I wish I never tried. A malady that after 7 years  I cannot rid myself of. When I cut myself I can  see better, I am seeing from eyes that are not my own, I automatically snap out of whatever kind of emotional meltdown I am experiencing, I can focus better, I can rationalize better,like someone chasing their first high I think if I cut some more maybe I will feel even better, it is a terrible addiction, you do not want to deal with this and I do not wish this on anyone.

I was on antidepressants but my feelings were monotonous. Life is not meant to be lived in one note there are ups and downs its learning how to manage those ups and downs is what counts.Being an unfeeling zombie that is constantly gaining weight or starving oneself and self mutilating? You choose? Since I have gotten off my medication I went back to starving and cutting, starving and cutting and thoughts of suicide. And I wonder if I was not in a relationship would  I have gone back to casual sex too?

I am caught in the cycle of self harm and depression. I just substitute one behavior for another.

I cut myself this time, recently after over a year of being cut free. This time I disassociated while cutting, I saw myself cutting my wrists and I did the oddest thing I took the blood on my wrists and smeared it across the walls of my bedroom, and I am watching myself do this odd behavior and thinking, “this is not normal, why are you doing this” but I could not stop. As I did this I saw flashback of that nine year old child, I was her sitting on the floor scratching at her legs for the first time I felt like her, I saw her and it scared me. Yes what I just wrote is disturbing but it does not make me any less human, or any  less lovable, or less than the next person that just cries or copes with stress in a healthier manner.

Despite my struggle (and believe me when I say every bleeping day is a struggle) I fall on the ground and curl up into a ball  and cry sometimes because I feel like I don’t have the strength anymore but I keep picking myself back up. Starving, bleeding  from cuts, dizzy from lack of food I still pick myself back up. Life is a journey with many winding roads, you will fall maybe more than those around you but what matters is that you keep picking yourself back up, you tried. Keep trying, fight to live, life is a gift so keep fighting to live.

People may read this and tell me I need help, saying that to me is counterproductive  because I know that I need help.I am blessed that I am able to function and no one knows unless I tell them, I’m  like that functioning alcoholic that does everyday things. Of course I know my behavior is unsustainable.I hope people read this and thank God that they have a sound mind, its a sad thing to watch yourself deteriorate, relapse, or be sick mentally. It is sad when you can see it but you are unable to stop.  I never will be 100 percent healed or perfect because I am only a mere human. But in my imperfection I can offer and give you my story so you know that if you are struggling like me you are not alone, or if you have someone you love going through this maybe it will help you understand them better.

I am a Christian and I suffer from these maladies of the mind, it does not mean  that God loves me less. God is with me in those time of depression, He sees me, He cares for me, I’m sure His heart is grieved, with His strength ,mercy and His unconditional love to want to love me in this state, He is my hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

I hope this inspires you to live, fight to live.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://www.selfinjury.com/

I hope this brings you peace at least for Tonight

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

I have a simple question, Can you accept your choice or do you need others to accept it so that you can rationalize that what you are doing to and with yourself is okay? Whatever choice it is that you are going to be making tonight or in the future I hope that it leaves you feeling at peace instead of feeling unrest.  You are the only one that has to accept your sexuality and or sexual choices . Regardless, you live with what you do with your body no else does. At the end of the day I think all humans strive for peace with themselves. Whenever I feel uneasy I read this prayer and ask God for peace, I hope that it will do the same for some of you.

Deconstructing the Myth: True Love Waits

If true love waits then my boyfriend of 7 years must not love me. If true love waits then my co worker who married her live in boyfriend must not really be loved. If true love waits then my manager who lived with her husband for years before tying the knot, will surely end up divorced because her husband does not truly love her. If true love waits then I should just forget about love because when it comes to sex I have a hard time saying no. If true love waits then you are saying that there is only way to love a woman which is by abstaining from sex. I guess youre saying that your way of loving is better than mine.  But then again you sound no better than the guy  that bullies me into having sex because he wants me to prove my love for him , you’re just trying to scare me into doing what you want by calling it true love.

I hate to burst your bubble but waiting until marriage does not make your husband love you anymore or any less than the next woman like myself who gave it up the first time she met her husband to be. Waiting until marriage does not mean that you will have years of marital bliss ahead of you. And if you are wondering why, sex is not the reason why my boyfriend and I have not tied the knot yet, having sex before marriage is not the reason those other couples broke up, and by practicing your chastity it won’t be the reason why you and your husband stay married or not.

If I believed this half truth, scare tactic, purity mantra, then I would have stayed believing that I was incapable of  being loved, that my relationships were never going to last all because of sex. Those three words made me second guess love that was given freely to me, those 3 words made me insecure about my relationships with men, those three words enslaved me, for years believing that the only way a man could show his love for me was by not having sex with me until I was married. But I have experienced freedom, knowing that I can have sex outside of marriage and be loved, that I can have sex while married and be loved.

I dont have a daughter, but I am a daughter, and “ True love waits” did not prevent me from having sex. And when I had sex and realized I could be loved, I felt deceived.

The motivation behind abstaining from sex should not be the expectation of receiving “true love,” and the motivation behind having sex whether it be casual sex, or sex in a relationship should not be love. Sex or lack there of does not guarantee love.

Authors Note: True love waits has nothing to do with being a Christian. God never said to experience love you must wait to be married. Sex outside of marriage is a sin, that is what is stated in the Bible. Honoring God should be the driving force to wait to have sex, not true love from a man.

My First Book : Casual Sex Is For the Shallow

Casual Sex is for the Shallow is a short guide for women on the good, the bad and the grey areas of casual sex. This guide does not mince words when it comes to explaining the reasons why your one night stand never called you back, why your friends with benefits arrangement ended with you in tears, and why the super vain, super shallow girl that you know always ends up with a boyfriend or date after her casual sex encounters. Casual Sex is for the Shallow explores the actual meaning behind the phrase “casual sex” and explores the anatomical as well the emotional aspects of sex. After reading this novelette the reader has the knowledge to make an informed choice about engaging in casual sex.

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Loose Strings

I’m so numb I can’t feel for myself far less for anyone else at times. Being numb is how I survived.Having been sex worker for a short time and being as promiscuous as I was  people always assume that I was a cold, callous and a heartless woman. Of course I had to appear to be that way I had to look out for myself. Because I never felt inclined to end a casual relationship I have a lot of loose strings left hanging around.

These strings haunt me. I’m afraid to see them again. I don’t want them to see me, the girl that has scarred herself so deeply that the skin is raised, I don’t want them to see me the size 1 that is now a size 2-3, I don’t want them to see me weak and defenseless and human. Loving someone else made me sofer, loving myself made me softer too, and being loved made me desire the tenderness and comfort of a loving relationship. I don’t like showing just anyone that I am human.

My loose strings show up at my front door unexpectedly,they call me on the phone, and message me on facebook, I even see them in them in the supermarkets. Some leave me gifts and cards wanting to know why I just stopped communicating with them ? They seem to care so much and yet I care so little. I feel an inkling of compassion for some, those who have been there since the beginning, some were even better to me than my “actual friends.” But I don’t care enough to communicate with them, I make broken promises, I say I’ll text or call, I lie and say I’ve moved, and I don’t pick up the phone.

I thought casual sex was supposed to be no strings but that’s impossible isn’t it. I share common knowledge that with each individual one, it’s not something that plagues my mind, but its stored somewhere in the back of my brain. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to be found by any of them, I don’t want to experience this person’s xray vision remembering my body, the sounds I made, the way I felt, and the things I said. I don’t want to feel that shame that my boyfriend feels when he wonders what I guy have been with and what type of sex I had with them.

I made a rule to never date a guy had casual sex with and guess what? I’m sticking to it. I made one exception, he was the only exception and thankfully he was the right exception.

This to you, all of you, every single one of my loose strings, you’re mine because our memories belong to me. I know I will be the last one to forget even though I was the first to let go. I hope you find this one day when you’re older, when I’m a fading memory, when you have a daughter of your own then maybe you will understand why I treated you the way that I did :

I hate you, or something very close to hate. You disgust me, in fact I find you very repulsive.  I don’t want to be friends with you, nor do I want to talk to you. You could never keep that disgusting thing away from me, I hate how easily you showed me  your weakness.You are bothersome, why can’t you let you?  Why can’t you leave me alone? I used you for various reasons, sex included.  You are nothing but a shameful notch in my belt, and  one number out of many. I want to hurt you. I want to give you misery. I want to give you pain even though you did nothing to me that I didn’t want and if I didn’t want it I know I never bothered to mention. I don’t get rejected, I do the rejecting so stop getting in my way and preventing me from being happy. Forget me, my sex is the only thing you know about me anyway. But if this was just casual why do I feel uncomfortable letting you go? Why can’t I face you? I don’t want to be cruel so please leave me alone.

I shared this today on my blog because this is a reality of casual sex that needs to seen, this is not gold star sticker sex, this is not a fairytale, there is nothing casual about exchanging bodily fluids with someone else.You may be like me and never admit it, but I will admit  that I feel, I have feelings, I feel bad for hurting others and it hurts letting go of , and the regret hurts too.  I wanted to give my readers a peak into my mind when I was involved  in the  casual sex lifestyle, my feelings, and thoughts then and now. Casual sex is not a game there are very real consequences that follow you, some for the rest of your life.

 

 

Thank You to My Blogger Friends

I wanted to take some time today away from posting about casual sex to thank my fellow bloggers for all of your support. I want to thank those of you that have supported me from the very beginning and I want to thank my new blogger friends. Thank you for the likes and shares, thank you for responding to my posts and to comments I’ve made. Truthfully, I have been very lonely, I’m currently in a long distance relationship, I made a lifestyle change and I have not really made any friends in person, and this past week or so I have  really felt community. I feel less alone. So thank you for talking to me and listening to my voice. I wish you all the best and the success. And I hope we can continue to chat some more 🙂 Happy Blogging!!