Sex as Currency

 Sex in exchange for anything other than something with monetary value is not an even trade. There are women out there that try to purchase love, or affection with sex. Men know that women will give sex to feel loved, or wanted. And often times, women enjoy the intimacy of sex, the closeness they feel to this man that they want to validate them. He is so kind right before sex. But fifteen minutes of what feels like love does not last, and the kindness quickly goes away.

He gets satisfaction before, during, and after sex, and you don’t. What he is doing to you feels like love, but why do silent tears run down your cheeks as your face is smothered in the pillow? Why suffer through unsatisfactory sex and get nothing in return? You get no love, no money, not even an ice pack to soothe your throbbing insides – you are left with nothing. And you wonder why you feel empty?

I do not condone prostitution, but at least the prostitute, or escort has realistic expectations of what to get from a man when she has casual sex with him. She verbalizes what she wants in exchange for sex, unlike the woman who  gives sex to get a relationship but never expresses  that she wants commitment. Sex is not your cash cow for a steady dependable flow of emotions.

When I was younger I dabbled in prostitution. At the time, I was heartbroken and angry.  I just wanted to feel good, and sex didn’t do that for me anymore. I met a pimp who asked why I was sleeping with my ex boyfriend for free? Why was I giving my body to a man who didn’t appreciate it? He said to me, “You’re worth more than that.” He made sense. Having sex with my ex was not going to make him want me any more than he already did, I was just doing it to be close to him. It didn’t feel good anymore, so I figured that the pimp made  sense. I even started getting naked on camera for money.  I can honestly admit that suffering through a painful penis prison while a large hippo rammed me felt worth it when I saw all those hundred dollar bills stacked on the bed. I was getting something for giving something. I didn’t feel like I gave and gave and got nothing in return, which is often what a lot of women feel like when they have casual sex. Sex can only be used as currency to buy tangible things not to buy a person’s love or affection.

Sex is not the price that you have to pay to buy emotions from a man. Sex will not buy you beauty. It will not give you power. And sex will not make him love you, nor will it make you love yourself. As deep as the vagina is love, beauty, and self-worth are not hidden there, and a man’s penis is not the key that will unlock them.

Thankfully, I stopped selling sex, and I found in Jesus a man who could love me knowing my past, knowing that I was a prostitute, knowing that I got naked over the internet for money, knowing that I had been with more men than I could remember, and guess what? This Jesus loved me and wanted me. For the women out there, who are struggling and feel trapped in the lifestyle of prostitution, there is hope. There is life and love after using sex as currency.

The Nasty Truth About Casual Sex

I am going to tell you the stuff about casual sex that no one wants to think about let alone repeat out loud. It is an ugly truth. I am not saying this to scare anyone but it’s time to be honest about the realities of casual sex.

Do not trust the man or men that  you are having casual sex with. That’s a fact  that often gets forgotten during the moment.  Remember to always use protection, and by protection, I mean a condom.

If he is having casual sex with you, he probably is having casual sex with other women too. He isn’t obligated to tell you that four hours ago he had sex with someone else. He had sex with the someone else without a condom, and he didn’t get a chance to take a shower before he hopped into bed with you. We all know the sex ritual: you perform oral sex on this guy whose dirty dick was just in someone else’s vagina and it ended up in your mouth. Gross right?

I forgot to mention that he had oral sex with the someone else and now the bacteria from  the someone else’s vagina  is in your mouth and in your vagina. And to be realistic, lets say that the someone else that he had sex with, is having casual sex with another guy, and the other guy had sex with another woman who gave  him a yeast infection.

The yeast infection circles back to you. Now, try to imagine if this was Herpes, HIV, or something more permanent. Because of one night of casual sex you are stuck with, for the rest of your life, some disgusting, uncomfortable STD.

You have to deal with the gross discharge, the itching, and the odor all on your own. You have to deal with  the anxiety of wondering, “could this be an std?” You have to go to the doctor’s appointment on your own.  You have to lay down with your  legs spread wide open  in the stirrups alone, while a doctor pokes and prods you with cold metal instruments. You have to deal with the STI’s alone.  You have to deal with pregnancy scares, the abortions and paying for the Plan B all alone. Sure no strings sounds fun,maybe? But do you really want to deal with the all of the unnecessary  crap that goes along with it? And if you aren’t worried about contracting an STI,  you should be.

Again, I do not condone casual sex, but if  that’s the path you choose, make sure that you are prepared. Do you want to deal with the stress of worrying about who else’s vagina the guy you are sleeping with has been in? Do you really want a dirty dick? Don’t you think you deserve better than that? Telling your “friend with benefits” that you think he give you an STD now that’s awkward.

Pussy Power

I don’t mean to pop your bubble but, if you are walking around with your head in the clouds  thinking that you have super pussy powers, you are sadly mistaken. Guess what? All women have vaginas. Sure they may look different, and smell different, but they all have the same function. What makes yours better than anyone else’s?

I have seen women’s faces light up because some man told them that they had the best pussy he has ever had – that  their pussy is so tight. Guess what? Every woman’s vagina is tight. Men know that by lying to you, and telling you that you have pussy power, you will feel good about yourself, and your legs will stay open a little while longer. I don’t know who came up with the term pussy power, but whoever it was, did women a huge disservice. Pussy power does not mean that you are powerful. Stop personalizing it.

When it comes  to casual sex, it’s all about the vagina, not you the person as a whole. Nothing is personal about casual sex. But how can that be? When’s he’s kissing you, touching you, telling you he’s the best he’s ever had, saying you’re his, and your pussy is his, you can’t help but take it personally. Feelings are not always reality.Sex is powerful, not you. Women tend to personalize sex, that is why sexual rejection feels like they are being rejected in their entirety.

All of the power is gone when he starts to make you question your beauty, and self-worth. The power is gone when you are willing to do anything to feel like you are in control, and it is gone when you do things you don’t feel comfortable with to get that affirmation. When a woman uses sex for power she is a puppet being jerked around by the very person she wants to control. What happens when he does not want to have sex with you again? Does that mean you are inadequate? You are not worth keeping? What happens when he doesn’t validate your worth?  How does that make you feel?  What if every man you have sex with never talks to you again? Do you still think that you have pussy power? In the world of casual sex and one night stands, the woman is a powerless replaceable commodity.

Your vagina is not powerful, but you are. A man can get sex from any woman who is willing and able, but there is only one you. You, woman, are a powerful vessel.

The Cycle of Casual Sex and Sexual Rejection

Anytime you have sex with a man, you are sharing  yourself with that man. You cannot erase the memory of his penis from your vagina, and you cannot take back the bodily fluids that you shared with him. With casual sex, no strings attached doesn’t exist. Imagine if you had a one night stand with some random guy and two months later you saw him at your job or in your class, you both share the knowledge that you had sex. Now, having sex with him may not mean anything to him or to you, but the simple fact that you both introduced your private parts to each other is a string enough.

How does one get stuck in the cycle of casual sex and  sexual rejection?

Sexual rejection is usually what sends women flying, panties down into casual sex.  I will use myself as example and maybe some of you can relate.

I was a young teenager when I first started having casual sex. For some reason I had a crush on this fat guy who was ashamed to be seen with me in public. Thank God, I can laugh about it now. Anyways, making a long story short, we had sex and two weeks later he told me not to contact him. Ouch! Not to mention that he was the first guy I had sex with.

I felt as if something was wrong with me sexually. Was I not attractive enough? Was something wrong with my vagina? Were my breasts too small? Physically, something had to be wrong with me. I mean he didn’t know me, we never even kissed, even after we had sex. I had to prove to myself and to him that I was normal, that even though he didn’t want me that other men would.  I thought that if other men had sex with me and wanted me that I would be sticking it to him in some way. And he would be full of regret and would want me.

I started having sex with a lot of different men, and I even found a way to keep them coming back, many wanting a relationship. I thought that would assuage the hurt I felt over my first sexual encounter, but it didn’t.

Because I never wanted to feel the loneliness of rejection, I started sleeping with multiple men at the same time. Here I was, going from man to man,like a girl swinging from monkey bar to monkey bar. I went to school with some, some were my friends’ brothers – they were everywhere. I couldn’t stop sleeping with them even if I wanted too because, I never wanted to feel thrown away, tossed aside, or rejected again. Luckily for me, I didn’t have to deal with rejection after that first time, and even if I did, I had become so emotionally callous that I could not feel a thing. If I was rejected, I always had another man around that I could latch on to.

That first time I was rejected sexually sent me spiraling down into a very unfulfilled world of casual sex. Being so young, I could not understand that there was nothing wrong with me. Having sex with a random guy is a quick fix to a broken heart, or injured self-esteem, but it is just a band aid effect. Sex just numbs the hurt for a little while. By sleeping around you are creating an even bigger problem

Casual sex and sexual rejection go hand in hand. The cycle can be hard to recognize and hard to break.

There is hope, life and love after casual sex and sexual rejection. Sex does not define who you are and what you are worth.

The Morning After Sex

That moment when you wake up tangled in foreign sheets in an unfamiliar bed pressed up against a cold wall next to a guy you hardly know, is always awkward. The morning after casual sex is always awkward. Do you stay and wait for him to wake up? Or do you leave without disturbing him? Should you turn the light on to try and find your panties, or do you let him find them so if you haven’t heard from him after a week, then you have a reason to call him? Should you wait a week? Is that too long?

So, you decide to leave without waking him, but he opens one eye lazily, says bye and throws the covers back over his head. What’s even worse than the awkward silence of lying next to a stranger, and trying not move is seeing him a week later and you get the cold shoulder. Plus you never got those expensive panties back. Why didn’t he call you? Not that you even wanted a relationship or anything like that, but he didn’t call you back not even for seconds?  You start feeling the heat rise in your cheeks, and for no reason you feel embarrassed. Before you know it, you are drowning in a sea of insecurity and self-doubt.

A week later, you decide to drown your sorrows at the bar, and you bump into a casual acquaintance. You’re drunk, he’s drunk and you end up at your place.  Things get hot and heavy.His shirt comes off, and your shirt comes off, and before you can blink his erection is gone. All of a sudden he’s lost interest, and he asks if he can sleep on your couch.

You want the truth, the real reason why you never heard from both guys again? What’s wrong with you? Why couldn’t he get an erection? 

Casual sex is supposed to be full of fun and fantasy. Chances are you probably had an extra ten pounds in all the wrong places. Maybe you have too much pubic hair, or your breasts are like runny eggs, or you may have an odor down there.  The author of the blog Until I get married inside the mind of the modern day bachelor   compares sex to pizza and even though I myself find this to be a gross comparison it is very accurate when describing casual sex.  Sure sex is good, but when it comes to sex with a man that does not know you, he does not want to deal with your physical imperfections. The truth is, he did not want to sleep with you again because you looked better with clothes on than off, you were boring in bed, your breasts were too small and on and on the list could go.

What does that say about you?  A man saw you naked and couldn’t get an erection. You offer free sex and you get turned down? You never hear from any of the guys you sleep with?  

Engaging in casual sex rarely has the happy ending that is often seen on TV. Sex does not define who you are. Even if you have had seven sex partners and only one called you back,  that does not make you worthless or lacking in anyway. But do you really want to treat yourself that way? 

Casual Sex

 Casual sex does not exist.

A foreign penis in your vagina is not casual. Swapping bacteria from a stranger’s mouth is not casual. Seeing someone naked before you know his last name is not casual.

 Sex is the farthest thing from casual. It is far from superficial, even though it might appear that way. The physical aspect is just one part of sex, the obvious part, but there is an emotional side to it as well. It requires sharing a part of yourself with someone else.

A penis is like a needle that pierces through the emotional walls kept deep inside of you. It can be the hand that caresses your soul or it can become your painful prison.  The penis can be the thing that makes you forget about your boring reality, or that dick can take you on a power trip. Be it, what it may, experiencing all these types of emotions because of the insertion of one sharp object is not casual.

Sex is a close, intimate experience –  it’s the closest anyone can ever get to you.  You don’t accidentally fall onto someone’s penis do you?  Someone penetrating your vagina is an action that is done with serious intent; whether the intent be pure physical gratification or out of love for the other person. Sex is always an action done with intent.

Is an activity that can cause so much physical trauma and serious emotional upset really that casual??

More on Casual Sex in my book Casual Sex is for the Shallow.

I don’t think so. But don’t take my word for it, ask the millions of women out there with low self-esteem, no self-worth, depression, STI’s, that have to fit the fifty dollar bill for plan b alone, or the ones that have had twelve sexual partners and have never been on a first date.  There is nothing casual about sex.

I’ll Be Your Bad Girl

I’ve lived it. The bad girl that meets Mr. Nice. The guy that cleans and bandages my wounds.  A man that  believes in who I am and not what I look like.  Sounds like a fairy tale, right?

 Here I was this shallow, vain, 18 year-old party girl, neck deep in casual sex living in hot Arizona. And I would like to think that I was as hot as the 120 degree weather.

We met in a Target parking lot,and my bright green thong was showing. I thought that he would be just another notch in my belt. A woman as callous as myself, hardened from bed hopping, had no  self-love far less  love for anyone else.

I used to believe that being sexy was enough for me to keep him around. But little did I know that he could not bring himself to love “the bad girl”. He hated being reminded of my past lovers. He wanted to cover my cleavage and conceal my protruding bum. Anything that reminded him of that former girl that I used to be he wanted gone.

But that was who I was when he met me. A troubled woman, that got drunk and trashed his apartment. I was the woman that would do it any place, anytime and anywhere he wanted. He thought, I think, that I would only be “bad” with him, that he could save me from my reckless past and my broken self. After he got fed up with my crazy antics and he asked for a break  he thought that I would be different from the way he first met me. But I wasn’t, I was just as “bad” with someone else. He thought that he could erase all the hand prints of the other men that I had been with before him, but he couldn’t and I couldn’t. It made him feel helpless.

I am surprised that we have lasted as long as we did.  And I  often wonder if people never complimented him on my appearance, if I never turned heads and caused near accidents, if the people he valued in his world didn’t call me beautiful, I wonder if he would have stuck around for so long, and given me all these chances. And yes, he did end up loving me, but we both still struggle with my past. Strangely, him more so than me.

Sleeping around with more men than I can remember was not worth it,  because it made having a relationship with the person I wanted very difficult.

I told him when we first met that I have some issues, that I am not the most stable woman, but it didn’t bother him then because he was thinking with his crotch and not with his head. Being entangled emotionally with a “bad girl” is not  fun for long.

Does size matter to women when it comes to casual sex?

Society puts a lot of emphasis on women to look a certain way especially when it comes to engaging in casual sex. We women have to be shaved, plucked, waxed, tanned, and toned. There is no room for imperfections. If we have noticeable imperfections we get talked about relentlessly, or we never hear from that person again. Enough of the pressure only being placed on us, when it comes to casual sex, appearance matters just as much for men as it does for women.

 I  am going to tell you a story about my friend “Billy”. He is your average twenty-three year old guy.  Sex is on his brain a lot. Like most men his age, Billy is as shallow as a teaspoon.

Billy and I were once more than just friends. We “explored” each other on an occasion or two. It didn’t work out for various reasons, but he wasn’t worth keeping around for three particular reasons. First he smelt. He had a very strong musty smell. He smelt like damp linen, it was very obtrusive and suffocating. It made me want to run out of the room and I can imagine that it made countless of other women want to do the same. Second, he is a one-minute-man. His performance was focused around his gratification.  His inability to last longer than sixty seconds made me laugh into the pillow.

One random day after I had not heard from Billy in a month or two, he sent me a text asking me if he had a small penis. Reason number three why Billy could not develop a committed relationship or a lasting casual sex arrangement: he is not well endowed. Personally, I did not want to deal with a guy who was not adequately equipped in that area.  I did not care enough about him to empathize with his inadequacies. Casual sex was supposed to be fun and easy with no imperfections. He became a joke in my circle of friends.

This is what I should have said to Billy if I cared enough, “Billy, you have a very small dick.  You should not have casual sex with random strangers. The size of your dick is the reason why, myself as well as other women did not pursue anything more with you.No woman wants to deal with a man that has the penis the size of a thumb. Billy you should take the time to date and get to know the woman first. Make an emotional connection with her, and then have sex with her.”

There is a small part of me that pities him, a tiny part of me that wants to tell him that he’ll meet someone who will accept him and his small dick. But I just can’t. When it comes to casual sex for men and women alike the outward appearance is what matters.

Why put yourself through all of that humiliation?

Slutty Slushy

What is a slutty slushy? A slutty slushy is all the intimate details of your sexual history  mixed together. And it is most often served after a heated argument. It might feel refreshing to you but it is  not appreciated by the person it gets dumped on because it is messy. Don’t drench the guy you are newly dating with  all the sticky details of your sexual history.

One of the biggest no-no’s when engaging in casual sex, any causal relationship or with the intention of starting a relationship is dumping the the sticky slutty details of your past on the guy you are trying to date.

Most men encourage this confessional. They want to know all about your bedroom business. They may ask you questions like this:

• How many men have you had sex with?

• Have you had anal sex?

• Have you had a threesome?

• When was the first time you had sex?

• Have you ever had a one night stand?

And so on and so forth. If you are looking for a relationship I would advise not answering the above  questions.  That same guy will use  the information that he eagerly asked for against you.

Telling the guy you are interested in dating about all the free sex  you gave away is not going to make him want you, he will probably want you less. Especially when you start boohooing about all the sex you gave away without asking for a commitment . He will probably do to you what you so vividly described to him.

Ask yourself this, why shouldn’t he get what you gave to everyone else without a commitment? If it’s being offered so freely why should he say no? 

Protect yourself by keeping those not so pleasant details about your sexual past to yourself.This way if things don’t work out you will not feel as vulnerable.