Category Archives: Life After Casual Sex

A Hurt that Won’t Quit

Do all children that have been sexually abused, objectified and exploited all grow up into adults that have a hard time feeling loved?

I have a hard time feeling love. A part of me knows I am loved but there is a part of me that can’t quite accept the love of the men in my life. I have a nagging voice in my head and aching anxiety in my heart that makes me feel like I am not loved.

It’s painful, a hurt that won’t quit. No matter how much my father tells me he loves me, no matter what he does for me I still feel unloved by him. Like a child I constantly need his assurance of love and he has to assure me the way I want to be assured. Every day he has to tell me he loves me. Every day I need hugs and validation that I am loved and accepted by my father.

With my boyfriend its even worse. Everyday multiple times a day I tell him I love him with the expectation of him saying it back. After seven years he has said it more times than I can think to remember, but it’s still not enough for me.

I have searched through him, underneath and above him trying to find the answer, trying to feel loved, looking to him for acceptance. But he is only human; there are limits to what he can do. I am emotionally draining because I am emotionally drained myself.

Despite my knowing that nothing was taken from me on the day of the death of my nine year old self, it still feels like a part of me is missing. Something is missing, I can feel it. I feel this painful hole, this void of loveless-ness and unworthiness within my chest.

I sometimes revert back to that girl crying on the shower flow. But it’s more than crying its mourning, it’s a grief that comes from deep within my belly causing my whole body to distort. It is painful. I wrote a letter to my nine year old self trying to make peace, but how can I make peace when my soul is crying out for justice. Where is justice for me? Where is my peace? It’s not in this world of that I am sure.

He sees me crying for hours over the simplest things. But 90 percent of the time the pain I feel has nothing to do with petty, insignificant matters he just happens to scratch the surface of a wound that never healed. And like a wound just a touch, makes it bleed and bleed and bleed. All the tears I never cried I am crying now. All the pain I couldn’t feel I feel it now.

Pain, pain and more pain is what that man gave to me.  He was the first man to use and dump me. He was the first person to make me feel like a pile of garbage, like nothing, like I was not human.

Broken People

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Maria Kreyn Alone together

We are broken. And we take our brokenness and damage other people with it, especially the ones that we love. Our jagged, fractured pieces ripple outward damaging, and ruining everything and everyone around us. In the end we all end up broken, our pieces swept in a dark corner. And all you feel is the pain, more pain, pain and more pain.

Frantically we try to put the pieces back into place, but it seems the more we try to fix those shattered pieces of ourselves the smaller those pieces get.

How am I supposed to love another broken, fragmented person? How am I supposed to cope when I never learned how to? How can I love myself when I all I see is the destruction I have caused? I see destruction written all over my body. My words are explosive, destroying the people around me. Shattering the people I don’t to want break. Why can’t I just self -destruct? Pain. It hurts. My heart hurts. Why can’t I accept your love? Why can’t I love myself? Why do I cry endlessly without ceasing over you?

Love is yelling, love is screaming, love is breaking, and love is pain. Loving you hurts me. So I break you. I break you with my words. I shatter you into smaller pieces. I crush you to bits. Then I cry because I want you to put us back together again. Put me back together again. Fix me. Help me. Mend me. Make me whole again. Repair what was damaged from so long ago. I am your mess because I can’t deal with myself. Erase the destruction; And in doing so we break into tiny pieces all over again.

The human condition without Christ is a broken mess. We are born broken. And we get fractured along the way. Some of us are smashed to bits by the time we reach adulthood. And we cry huddled over in dark spaces. We sob endlessly; asking the walls for help to take this ache away. Ultimately we are hopeless broken pieces trying to make ourselves whole. We are self-destructive by nature. Hopeless. Defeated. Damaged and doomed for destruction. But in our brokenness we feel the endorphins surge so we damage ourselves even more. More and more, more and more damage until we can’t put ourselves back together. We are broken.

But in Christ we have hope, a hope to be whole and made new again. And that is my hope for you. Healing for us.

Life After Casual Sex

The title might sound a little dramatic to someone who hasn’t lived a casual sex lifestyle.  But  for me it was a decade on and off of casual sex. I have since then “repented of my ways” and now I am in a long term, serious relationship.

Has casual sex affected my relationship? It most definitely has. I met my boyfriend through a casual sex encounter. Why him? I don’t know. But when I had sex with him for the first time I  cried and I believe that it was my human tears, the expression of a human being and not an object  that bound us together. And after meeting him all the times I relapsed into sleeping around with random strangers  casual sex just was not the same.

I have not posted in  some months. I have been in school and sorting out get off anti depressants. But I feel like myself again. Life after Casual Sex will be a new category featured on my blog where I discuss my journey after leaving the casual sex lifestyle.  I will continue to share my story and educate women about casual sex without the camera lens and the glamour. Again I want to thank my followers and supporters  and also those of whom are new to my blog.

Happy Blogging and Happy Reading!!