Casual Sex, Flashbacks, and Emotional Disconnectedness

I used casual sex to run away from all the things I was too afraid to feel. I was afraid of rejection,so I had sex with men without wanting a commitment. I suppressed every emotion because I did not want to feel hurt,  I just wanted to feel good. It was  easy to have sex without having a personality, or expectations. I wondered back then, where do all those feelings that I could never experience go?  Currently, I  am in a very confusing place. I cannot trust how I feel because I have not felt in so long.

I admit that I was proud. I thought I was better than the girls that had casual sex and got rejected, because rejection was a rare thing for me. I thought I had a special power and intelligence that they lacked; I had “pussy power.” But now, I think  they were better off having feelings than me who was a shell of a person. Because at 24 I don’t know how to feel properly.

I had a flashback, and I pushed my 195 pound boyfriend off of me all the way to the end of the bed.He turned into someone else, and I just screamed no and  pushed him off. Then I curled up into a ball and all I could go was apologize to him. I could tell by his reaction that he was shocked at my physical strength and by my reaction. I was shocked too, the man I had loved for so long had turned into a faceless man, and something inside me just wanted him out and off of me.

The flashback I had with my boyfriend was not due to casual sex. But the emotional trauma I experience over and over again is in part due to that lifestyle. Sex and love do not partner well with casual sex, and because I slept around so much I understood this at an early age. I practiced emotionless sex for so long that when I did get involved in a relationship with someone that I cared for I could not enjoy the sex. My body and mind cannot connect, and I know it is because I have an emotional attachment to my boyfriend. I did myself an injustice by programming myself not feel any type of emotion or connection during sex.  And now, happily involved with the man that I love I cannot let myself go. I’m guarded physically and he can tell.

I have watched myself having sex so many times, and  so many times my mind was separated from my body. Because of the disassociation that has occured with me during sex in the past  I am  afraid that  when I am with the person I love that I will do the same thing. Before sex  I always need to  be reassured that he loves me, and afterwards. Sex in a monogamous relationship has made me insecure because of my past experience with casual sex.

Sleeping around damaged me emotionally. Every time I have an argument with my boyfriend I feel like he is going to leave me. I worry that maybe he just used me? Was sex all that he wanted? Then I remember, all the uncommitted  sex I had, all the memories of sex with random men and it hurts. I am hurt. I think of all the times I suppressed feeling for myself  and the guys I had sex with, and I feel strange. I remember the painful sex, the loneliness, and the empty feelings. All the emotions I suppressed, all the things I prevented myself from feeling come rushing back to me, and I relive those feelings over and over and over again. I often  ask him, “Why are you doing this to me?,”  and,“ Why are you hurting me like this?” But I realized that its not him I am upset at its the past.

My history of casual sex has written itself on my soul. I have moved on from my past, I have forgiven myself from my past, and my past does not define me but I cannot forget it.

Casual Sex and Statutory Rape

I was 16 and he was my best friends 24 year old brother. I thought I was a woman back then because I shaved my vagina, wore thongs, pushup bras  and had sex. I thought I knew everything about sex and relationships. Back then, at the tender age of 16 I thought I seduced this man into bed with me. Arrogantly, I believed that I had power over him, that I was in control of the situation because I controlled erection.

He was engaged to a woman overseas when I met him, and I was sleeping around with any and everybody. I was lonely, even though I always had some guy on top of me. I thought that because he was older he would be able to understand me.

When we met he had this look of overwhelming lust in his eyes, and I thought it was funny.  Every time he stared at me I giggled. It was supposed to be a game, but somehow we ended up having sex in his car and he could not control his desires for me after that. I remember him breaking things off with his fiance’ and I felt a twinge of guilt. Was I to blame for his breakup?

Sooner than later my best friend found out  that I was sleeping with her brother. He smoked weed with us and got us alcohol; I had a strong suspicion that he liked having sex with me while I was under the influence. I remember getting drunk and high and sleeping in the bed in between him and his sister. And then he started touching me, and roughly  wrestled my pants off and had sex with me in the same bed as his sister. He thought that she was too out of it to know what was going on. I insisted that we get out of the bed, so we did, and we had sex on the basement floor with his sister in the room, then I stumbled back into the bed with him and his sister was gone in the morning. Obviously, that was a mistake, I clearly was not thinking.

 When I told him we had to stop because his sister was getting mad, he just couldn’t. He would always sneak me out of her room, or I would sneak into the basement with him. His mother and stepfather knew what was going, everytime he came home from work and I was over they knew he was having sex with me, everytime he offered to take me home and had sex with me in front of the house in his car, they knew,  but they  turned a blind eye, to their 24 year old son having sex with their daughters teenage friend. Should they have stopped what was going on?

He was a pervert. He always wanted me to send him naked pictures or have phone sex with him. He got me my first vibrator ao I could masterbate on the phone with him. He always talked about getting me pregnant, and all the different sex positions he wanted to do with me. All he cared about was not going to jail. I should have known then, that he knew that sleeping with me was wrong.I know now that he did not care about me not even a little bit, all he cared about was getting to what was between  my legs.

When I moved away and came back to visit I thought things would be different. But I still ended up high in his bed. I lay lifeless like a corpse but he still probed my body with his ugly penis . He apologized that time for not being able to control his urges. My best friend blamed me, even though her brother clearly woke me up and brought me to his bedroom so he could take advantage of the marijuana that was still in my system.

I am utterly disgusted by this man. I was a willing participant, but I was only a teenager and he was a grown man. I am engulfed with feelings of shame, of realizing now at 24, that what transpired between me and this man was not right. I feel taken advantage of in the worst way.

He got married and had a son but he was still trying to have sex with me. His sister could not get over the incident of me having sex with her brother while she was in the same bed so we are no longer friends.She thought that I  was a whore  that  seduced her brother. Little did she know all the times I told him no but he just kept persisting. Now, he’s washed his hands clean of me and I can’t help but feel a twinge of pain, and silent sorrow as I bear the truth behind this situation alone.

At sixteen I would not have called this statutory rape. I was a willing participant and I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew what I was doing with my vagina partly, and I knew what to do with a penis, but at that age  I could not comprehend the emotional consequence of what I was doing. As adult I see that there was  something terribly wrong with a 24 year old man having sex with me when I was 16 years old.

If I could go back in back in time, I would have thought twice before having sex with him. Having sex with him, was different than having sex with guys closer to my age. I still can’t quite understand or express properly how I feel about what happened between us but I just know that having sex with someone that much older than me as a teenager was a mistake, and sometimes I can’t help but feeling used.

Sluts Go to Heaven Too

I  was stigmatized by most as a “bad” or evil because I was promiscuous, because I, “changed guys like I changed my “underwear”. Even though I believed in Jesus and had professed faith I was told  by some that I was destined to go to hell, even though after every one night stand and sexual encounter I talked about Jesus. I wanted to save these troubled men with sex, and with the love of Jesus.

Apart from my lifestyle I was a relatively good person. I was kind, gentle, forgiving, and most importantly I treated others the way I would want to be treated, but I was still labeled as bad. I was bad because I slept around, having sex outside of marriage made me a horrible a person and having sex with multiple partners sentenced me to the lake of fire.

I was taught that if you have sex with a man before marriage that he will not marry you,and  if you have sex with him before he says he loves you that he won’t love you; chances are if you are having sex with him he is just using you for his own sexual gratification. After dating  my on and off boyfriend for a few  years I was told that  sex was reason why I was not married yet. Every time we had a fight, every time we broke up, I believed that God was punishing me. Because I had slutted it up in my past and with my boyfriend. God was punishing me  by not  making my boyfriend want to marry me.

And now here I am determined to tell other women about the harms of casual sex, but also to tell the overzealous morality police that engaging in casual sex does not make you a bad a person. For all the girls that grew up in a Christian home as I did and were told that once you have sex with a man he is not going to marry you, or love you, I’m here to say that statement is not true. No where in the Bible states that having sex before marriage makes you less lovable, nor does it state that having sex before marriage means you won’t get married. You can be an escort like I was, and it does not make you a bad person, maybe you are making poor choices but it does not make you a terrible person.

For a long time I thought I was destined to go to hell, and to die alone  an unmarried, useless, washed up slut. I thought that if I died on one of my escorting escapades that I would go to hell. I believed that I deserved all the punishment from God and from people but thankfully I was misled. In no way am I an advocate for casual sex but there are worse things I could do, and could have been. Casual sex was not the be it and end all of me, and that is for anyone struggling with any type sexual sin, or morality issue. Being promiscuous did  not make me  cheap or worth any less than the next person, and it did  not mean that I deserved to be punished by men or my parents, or anyone else. By having casual sex I was selling myself  short, and making poor decisions, but that was between me and my God. If I did die prostituting myself way back then I know now that I would go to heaven, that me a self mutilating slut would end up in the comforting arms of my God because He knew  the contents of  my heart.

Note: The only way to heaven is by believing in the person of the Lord Jesus Christ. For more information. If you want to stop sleeping around but you don’t know how to stop, or why you should stop, give Jesus a try.

Buzzing in the New Year with a Vibrator

Sexual desire is something that all women experience.Feeling horny does not necessarily mean that you want or desire an intimate relationship with someone else it could simply mean that you just want to “rub one out.” Here are some reasons why a vibrator is better than casual sex:

  • Masturbation is natural, normal and it increases blood flow to the genitalia, a vibrator enhances the sensation…

  • A vibrator is at your own personal disposal

  • There is no underlying, or hidden expectations with your vibrator

  • You do not have to worry about getting an STD or an unwanted pregnancy

  • There are no feelings of shame or guilt

  • You do not need to be shaved, plucked or wax, or even shave your legs

  • No regrets

  • It is reusable

  • Guaranteed to always feel good

This new year  you before you take the plunge into casual sex consider purchasing a vibrator. Weigh carefully the pros and cons of having sex with a random somebody.Do you really want all the messiness that comes with casual sex or do you want sexual satisfaction that you can easily give yourself and have no regrets?