Category Archives: Sexual Expectations

I’ve Been Attacked

Again some feminists don’t like to admit the truth about casual sex, or listen to someone elses not so fairy tale like experience… If you have had a bad casual sex experience it does not make you unintelligent, you don’t need a degree to validate your experience. This is not an ideology this is real life and my aim is to help and educate all women regardless of what they believe. I am here to encourage all women to share their story good or bad, and know that they are not alone.

Sex Is……

Sex Is Not the Medication That Will Make Your Mind Right.  That one sentence says it all. Casual sex should not be used to remedy any sort of emotional aliment.

Habitual Casual sex is a symptom, a band aid, a quick fix, self-medication and  it always often masks a deeper problem. Sometimes you are not even aware of what that problem is, you just know that sleeping around soothes, or comforts, you for a short time. What happens when you stop, when those partners have moved on and are not around? How do you deal with the loneliness or the anxiety? Are you craving sex or the intimacy?

Casual sex compounds situations such as  sexual abuse or rape because engaging in  casual sex can  make you  feel like you  are reliving the situation again.Consensual sex might trigger  a flashback of rape or abuse. The inability to say no but the desire to say no might leave you feeling confused. For some who have been  abused casual sex can be used as a form of punishment. Because of  the abuse some women  feel disconnected from themselves when they have sex. They are not present during the action and this can cause an unhealthy relationship with sex to begin. I remember having sex  with random people and in my mind screaming no, but instead moans came out.  Sex became my prison  I had to  suffer through this torture.I was hurting myself with sex. My whole view of sex became warped, it was ugly, bad, a burden, a chore, all because I used sex to help me escape from the conflicts raging  in my mind. Sexual abuse allowed me to disconnect and disassociate during my casual sex encounters. I wasn’t there, that wasn’t really me sleeping with all those men. Because I wasn’t there emotionally during sex, I felt nothing for those men. They meant nothing to me. I was in control, I was the sexual aggressor, by not saying no they couldn’t force me into doing anything I didn’t want to. My story is not does not speak for every woman. Not every woman who has been raped, or molested engages in casual sex. For me, that was just what I ended up doing, it was my way of trying to resolve the confusion in my mind. Sex was my escape, I could use it to get things, it was my band aid, and my medication. Only, sleeping around made it worse. Here I was, saying yes, but thinking no, and feeling disgusted at them and at me afterward.Along with drugs and alcohol this is the worst form of self-medication especially if you have been raped, or abused.

I’m guilty of using casual sex as a bandage for my broken heart. I did this all the time with my on and off again boyfriend. As soon as he left me, that same day, I was in bed with someone else. If I was not under the influence I could not ignore the ache in my chest as I was tossed around  by some faceless man. Its not that sleeping with someone else made me forget him, it just made me feel like I was hurting him. In reality, I was only hurting myself, I got no enjoyment from the sex except a false sense of “Look of who’s crying now.” Casual sex won’t mend your broken heart it might just cause an even bigger ache.

Sex is not the cure for low self-esteem or lack of self worth. Sex is not the price you have to pay to get the worth that  you thought you gave away back. In my book I mention an example of having sex in my teens with a guy I liked and he rejected me soon after. He ignored my phones calls, and eventually ended up telling me to leave him alone. At that young age I thought I had lost my worth, I really believed that he took it, he had it, and I wanted it back. I thought that sleeping around would validate my worth. Men wanting to have sex with me meant that I was attractive,and  beautiful.That was a false sense of self-worth and self-esteem.  I can’t stress this enough, “You were born with self-worth it is not something any man or woman can give to you or take away from you. Self-esteem is something you find, it has nothing to with anyone else.”

Is casual sex your drug, or do you use it as therapy? Only you can fix you, not a man, and not a dick, that is why sex is not the medication that will make your mind right….

Selling Your Sex,Pop Culture and Real Life

I made it personal this time, its not just selling sex, it’s selling Your sex. Many women do this, thinking maybe it is freeing, its empowering, this is feminism to be able to prance around half naked, and gyrate on stage or in public without being objectified. Well, not only are you objectifying your self but you are allowing and encouraging others to objectify you as well. Pop culture is saturated with women selling their sex, using their sexualtiy to build an audience, to stand out, and to sell whatever product it is they are endorsing.I can think of countless of names but to me these women are irrelevant because they know that what’s on camera does not always translate well in real life.

Very few women are able to monetize substantially, if at all, from selling their sexualuty. I am not only referring to sew workers but to women, especially young women that use their sexuality as a tool to  for whatever purpose. They walk around ass cheeks hanging out, stomach out, breasts out, and they call it empowering, they say its freeing, and if you objectify them you are the lowest of the low. What these young women don’t understand is they are objectifying themselves, “look at me,” “look at my body,” even I a heterosexual woman looks not at them, but at their exposed body parts because in that moment that’s all I see. You choose the way people treat you most of the time. If you treat yourself like a toy other people will treat you the same way, why should I care or respect her if she doesn’t respect herself?

When you sell your sexuality you leave yourself  open to harsh criticisms, people look at you with a microscope, “look at her cellulite, her thighs touch, her butts too flat, her boobs are uneven, her ass is hanging out, ” you feel the heat of their eyes scrutinizing every inch of you looking for the perfection they may see in a magazine or on TV but this is real life.  Is worrying about cellulite and stretch marks empowering? Is trying to look as perfect as the airbrushed images in the magazine that freeing? If  you walk out and every guy hits on you does that make you beautiful? What happens when the whistles, and honks stop? Selling and owning your sexuality are two different things. Owning your sexuality is not dependent on the attention of other’s.

Real life is very different than a music video, or movie. Many of these women don’t  care about half of what they are getting paid to say or do, and  many don’t live  out their lyrics or  roles on TV  in real life. Young women don’t be fooled. Its one thing to sell yourself, be famous and make millions off it, its another to sell yourself for attention, or power, or love and have nothing to show for it. I’ll tell you a secret, what you have on your chest and between your legs every woman has. You’re no more special than the next woman. Educating your mind is how you empower self. Self- awareness is freedom.

Last point. Sex is not about murdering your vagina, its not about beating it to the point where you can’t walk, or where you bleed,  and it’s not about tearing you a new one. That’s brutality, unless you enjoy pain. Sex should be enjoyment for you and your partner.

I really enjoyed this video and its something all women and men should listen too.

Its Okay

Having Casual Sex and getting attached does not make you unintelligent or immature it just makes you human. I dont believe in slut shaming. I don’t believe in insulting a woman based on the way she has sex. I don’t believe in telling women to suppress their emotions. It is okay to make mistakes especially with your sexuality, granted some are more permanent than others. What I give you here on this blog is real life experience you wont find it written in a text book, its something that can’t be taught. I am not ashamed of my past, of feeling rejected at times, of feeling like I had pussy power, of using sex as a tool,  or of being vain and shallow about sex . It’s all okay. For the women that have casual sex and feel worthless or used Ive been there to0, and that’s normal. Just know that you already have worth within yourself and that you were not used you made a choice. Its okay to feel, to cry,  to get depressed over a guy you had casual sex with, it IS normal and  its part of being human.Trust me you will get over it, thats a promise :).

Why I Wrote Casual Sex Is For the Shallow

I wrote this guide because I found myself surrounded by broken hearted women and if I wasn’t surrounded by them my sister was, or my friends were. So many women hurt over sex, and what some man did to them; wanting, yearning, going crazy almost in an attempt to understand why, why not them? Why did this man choose to treat them this way and not someone else? Why had they had three or more sexual partners and no relationship? Why was he ignoring them? Why couldn’t they get over him?
In today’s society women are saturated with the shallow woman’s superficial story. Hollywood makes it look so easy: this beautiful woman has a one night stand and the guy ends up marrying her. Or she’s sleeping around with multiple partners and she has no emotional, relational or psychological issues. I wanted to use examples of women engaging in casual sex that are not represented because casual sex often times does not have a fairy tale ending. 

For some women this is real life. Theses are questions they are faced with daily. How do they answer these question?  The best thing is education, having a conversation about casual sex. Not every woman understands that casual sex is casual sex, some don’t know the meaning of  casual sex. If a woman feels rejected after a one night stand, or her friend with benefits end their arrangement and she feels hurt does that make her immature and unintelligent? No, its normal especially as a woman to experience emotional attachments especially when engaging in c sex of any kind, it  is normal to feel rejected . Having emotions and getting attached is part of being human and being able to express them in a healthy way is normal.

Women need something that will protect their minds as well as their bodies and my book is is. Happy Reading!

 

Sexual Freedom

How is sleeping around sexual freedom? I think some women just like throwing the term “ sexual freedom”  around when they express their desire to have random sex with strangers  because it sounds powerful, strong and maybe it helps them rationalize making a decision that is counter productive to the meaning of  sexual freedom. I wonder, do these women know what sexual freedom is? Do they really understand what it is to be sexually empowered? How is riding random dicks freeing? If you think sexual freedom has something to do with a male penis then you are sadly mistaken because sexual freedom has nothing to do with a male or his penis.

Sexual freedom is  having the option to choose what you do with your vagina. You can choose to have sex or to abstain from it.You understand what sex means to you, and how it ties in with your mind, and body. With sexual freedom you have the ability to express  your sexuality without relying on a man or the opinion of others. Sexual freedom is taking responsibility for your sexual and reproductive health. It allows you to live with the choices you have made about your sexuality shamelessly.

Sexual freedom is not feeling like your body is your prison as you are probed by a penis. In my younger years I  believed that sleeping around was sexually freeing, sex made me feel like I had super pussy powers.In my book I talk about using casual sex as a form of escapism, an escape for me that turned into a prison. I started feeling trapped during sex. Sex became a chore, it was a job, I needed to get drunk or high to enjoy it. Feeling pressured to have sex is not sexual freedom, neither is feeling obligated to have sex with a man. Sexual freedom is having the ability to say yes but also knowing yourself well enough to know, and have the strength to say no. Is doing sexual acts you are uncomfortable with sexual freedom? Is being ashamed to leave your house and run into all the people you had casual sex with freeing? Is enduring hours of painful sex freeing? Is being treated like an object freeing? Is not being allowed to express your emotions freeing?  Is worrying about STD’s and pregnancy freeing?  If that is freedom, then I’m telling you, I’ve lived it, I’ve had it, and I don’t want it.


I want  all women to understand what sexual freedom is and to experience it. Casual sex and sexual freedom have nothing to with each it’s like apples and oranges, they are not the same and doing one does not prove the other.

The Difference Between A One Night Stand and Casual Sex

Sleeping Around

Sleeping around is inclusive of a one night stand and casual sex.Unlike casual sex a one night stand lasts only for one night. The expectation behind a one night stand is the hope of never seeing that person again. Casual sex is a sexual relationship without the commitment. With casual sex there is no time limit on how long this type of “ relationship” lasts.

One Night Stand

I have had very few one night stands. With a one night stand  you never have to worry about seeing that person in class,at work or elsewhere. It’s easy not to care when you don’t know the person’s name, or who they are. I would advise against having a one night stand with someone you know, a friend, a coworker, a class mate, or someone you like. One word, AWKWARD. Excuse my callousness, but I could never understand how some women cry over one night stands. Why are they crying over someone they didn’t know? And if that person was a friend or someone close to them what did they expect to come out of one night of sex? That is the harsh reality of the situation, it’s as simple and as black and white.

Casual Sex

Casual sex  is a lot more messy. Casual sex is the grey area between a one night stand and a relationship.There are lots of “strings” to sort through. With casual sex the risks are just as high because, let’s be honest sleeping around is a high risk behavior but with casual sex your feelings are more likely to get hurt. Casual sex is a sexual relationship that is superficially focused and devoid of emotion, that’s in the short the definition of what is but in reality it’s not.With casual it’s easy to be fooled into thinking that this sexually focused relationship has the potential to grow.  A lot more women have the expectation of a commitment with casual sex.

These behaviors should all be done with intent. It is not wise to have sex passively in any situation and its even worse when it is with a stranger, or with someone who does not, and cannot give you the emotional support that you need.


Sleeping around does not just happen,you don’t just fall on some guys’s random dick it is a  conscious choice.