Tag Archives: relationships

A Hurt that Won’t Quit

Do all children that have been sexually abused, objectified and exploited all grow up into adults that have a hard time feeling loved?

I have a hard time feeling love. A part of me knows I am loved but there is a part of me that can’t quite accept the love of the men in my life. I have a nagging voice in my head and aching anxiety in my heart that makes me feel like I am not loved.

It’s painful, a hurt that won’t quit. No matter how much my father tells me he loves me, no matter what he does for me I still feel unloved by him. Like a child I constantly need his assurance of love and he has to assure me the way I want to be assured. Every day he has to tell me he loves me. Every day I need hugs and validation that I am loved and accepted by my father.

With my boyfriend its even worse. Everyday multiple times a day I tell him I love him with the expectation of him saying it back. After seven years he has said it more times than I can think to remember, but it’s still not enough for me.

I have searched through him, underneath and above him trying to find the answer, trying to feel loved, looking to him for acceptance. But he is only human; there are limits to what he can do. I am emotionally draining because I am emotionally drained myself.

Despite my knowing that nothing was taken from me on the day of the death of my nine year old self, it still feels like a part of me is missing. Something is missing, I can feel it. I feel this painful hole, this void of loveless-ness and unworthiness within my chest.

I sometimes revert back to that girl crying on the shower flow. But it’s more than crying its mourning, it’s a grief that comes from deep within my belly causing my whole body to distort. It is painful. I wrote a letter to my nine year old self trying to make peace, but how can I make peace when my soul is crying out for justice. Where is justice for me? Where is my peace? It’s not in this world of that I am sure.

He sees me crying for hours over the simplest things. But 90 percent of the time the pain I feel has nothing to do with petty, insignificant matters he just happens to scratch the surface of a wound that never healed. And like a wound just a touch, makes it bleed and bleed and bleed. All the tears I never cried I am crying now. All the pain I couldn’t feel I feel it now.

Pain, pain and more pain is what that man gave to me.  He was the first man to use and dump me. He was the first person to make me feel like a pile of garbage, like nothing, like I was not human.

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Broken People

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Maria Kreyn Alone together

We are broken. And we take our brokenness and damage other people with it, especially the ones that we love. Our jagged, fractured pieces ripple outward damaging, and ruining everything and everyone around us. In the end we all end up broken, our pieces swept in a dark corner. And all you feel is the pain, more pain, pain and more pain.

Frantically we try to put the pieces back into place, but it seems the more we try to fix those shattered pieces of ourselves the smaller those pieces get.

How am I supposed to love another broken, fragmented person? How am I supposed to cope when I never learned how to? How can I love myself when I all I see is the destruction I have caused? I see destruction written all over my body. My words are explosive, destroying the people around me. Shattering the people I don’t to want break. Why can’t I just self -destruct? Pain. It hurts. My heart hurts. Why can’t I accept your love? Why can’t I love myself? Why do I cry endlessly without ceasing over you?

Love is yelling, love is screaming, love is breaking, and love is pain. Loving you hurts me. So I break you. I break you with my words. I shatter you into smaller pieces. I crush you to bits. Then I cry because I want you to put us back together again. Put me back together again. Fix me. Help me. Mend me. Make me whole again. Repair what was damaged from so long ago. I am your mess because I can’t deal with myself. Erase the destruction; And in doing so we break into tiny pieces all over again.

The human condition without Christ is a broken mess. We are born broken. And we get fractured along the way. Some of us are smashed to bits by the time we reach adulthood. And we cry huddled over in dark spaces. We sob endlessly; asking the walls for help to take this ache away. Ultimately we are hopeless broken pieces trying to make ourselves whole. We are self-destructive by nature. Hopeless. Defeated. Damaged and doomed for destruction. But in our brokenness we feel the endorphins surge so we damage ourselves even more. More and more, more and more damage until we can’t put ourselves back together. We are broken.

But in Christ we have hope, a hope to be whole and made new again. And that is my hope for you. Healing for us.

Patriarchal Pornography

“If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” Mathew 5:9

As a woman I am offended when I hear other women making excuses for their husbands and boyfriends infidelity or use of pornography. Why is the woman always at fault? I overheard a conversation between two married women. One kept pointing out that men need sex, and when a woman is not fulfilling her role in the bedroom it drives him to porn. Well women need sex too, maybe even more than a man does. The vagina has so many different pleasure points, and our orgasms are more intense. I have never heard a woman say well my “man” isn’t satisfying me so I am going to whip out my turbo vibrator and 12 inch dildo and watch Big Dick porn. When are women going to let men take accountability for their actions?

I hear that excuse all the time. That is not reason enough for me. Let’s face it we all need to get off. Men have a strong sex drive but so do women. And I am not talking about single men; I am referring to men who get “the pussy” served to them on a platter every night or at least some nights. Whatever happened to self control? Whatever happened to being a team? Whatever happened to selflessness? And for the women who blame and condemn their other female counter parts for going to bed in baggy clothes and not feeding their husbands appetites pray that it does not happen to you. Do you think she wants an obtrusive penis inside her when she knows her husband’s been jacking his dick to the images of another woman’s vagina and butt hole? Do you think she wants his hands that have imagined caressing another woman around her? Do you think she wants to share her nakedness with someone who pays to go to the strip club and look at pornography? Would you? Would you want that man touching you after seeing the images of what he pleasures himself too?

Where is the respect? Stop blaming women. Stop blaming her because of what she is wearing or what she’s not. Stop blaming her for being drunk. Stop blaming her for being naive and trusting. Stop blaming her for being human and not a sex toy. Stop blaming women for men’s shortcomings.

If you are having  an intimacy problem pornography, strip clubs and affairs make it worse. If you want to better your sex life then you need to better the emotional aspect of the relationship. Instead of hoping on Ashley Madison or porn sites, ask her, ask her why she does not want to sleep with you. Tell her I want to try new positions. Communicate with your partner. Using lack of sex or lack of her sexiness as an excuse for watching porn is just going lead to you using your hand more and losing intimacy with your partner.
If you have a problem with lust and porn it’s your problem, your fault and not your partners. How about blocking the porn from your computer? How about not to the strip club?

If your eye is causing you to sin, to stray then fix your eye. Don’t blame the porn that you’re looking at and the wife or girlfriend that you’re not looking at, blame yourself. Only you can fix you.

I want to add that all the destruction, all the damage and pain that pornography causes in your relationships God can heal. There is hope, happiness and love for you too.

Life After Casual Sex

The title might sound a little dramatic to someone who hasn’t lived a casual sex lifestyle.  But  for me it was a decade on and off of casual sex. I have since then “repented of my ways” and now I am in a long term, serious relationship.

Has casual sex affected my relationship? It most definitely has. I met my boyfriend through a casual sex encounter. Why him? I don’t know. But when I had sex with him for the first time I  cried and I believe that it was my human tears, the expression of a human being and not an object  that bound us together. And after meeting him all the times I relapsed into sleeping around with random strangers  casual sex just was not the same.

I have not posted in  some months. I have been in school and sorting out get off anti depressants. But I feel like myself again. Life after Casual Sex will be a new category featured on my blog where I discuss my journey after leaving the casual sex lifestyle.  I will continue to share my story and educate women about casual sex without the camera lens and the glamour. Again I want to thank my followers and supporters  and also those of whom are new to my blog.

Happy Blogging and Happy Reading!!

 

My First Book : Casual Sex Is For the Shallow

Casual Sex is for the Shallow is a short guide for women on the good, the bad and the grey areas of casual sex. This guide does not mince words when it comes to explaining the reasons why your one night stand never called you back, why your friends with benefits arrangement ended with you in tears, and why the super vain, super shallow girl that you know always ends up with a boyfriend or date after her casual sex encounters. Casual Sex is for the Shallow explores the actual meaning behind the phrase “casual sex” and explores the anatomical as well the emotional aspects of sex. After reading this novelette the reader has the knowledge to make an informed choice about engaging in casual sex.

  • All you need to know about Casual Sex in less than 40 pages
  • Only Available on Amazon

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To Sluttiness, To Love, and To Happiness

I do everything backwards and in no order especially when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. My boyfriend of almost 7 years saw my half naked pictures before we met as did everyone on myspace,( this was back in 2008 when myspace was a thing). He said hello to my bright green thong before he got a chance to say hello to me, and we introduced private parts before we had our first date. I was lonely and bored in a new state, our  meeting was just supposed to be a casual encounter, I never thought that  one night of sluttiness  would turn into 6 years of love and happiness.

I grew up in a  Christian home. I was taught that sex before marriage is a sin, one of the worst sins because it is a sin against the body. Despite what I knew about sex  I ended up having a lot of it with a lot of  people. I was the “good time” girl, I was easy, the slut, I was often accused of changing boys as regularly as I changed my underwear. By Christians and non christians I was persecuted because of my promiscuity. Isn’t what I do with what’s between my legs my business? The girls treated me like I was a disease, I was often the subject of name calling and bullying. The guys however flocked to me like moths to light, they protected me from the girls who often threatened to beat me up, they skipped school with me when I needed to escape,some even tried to save me from my sluttiness by offering me a relationship, but I refused.

For me, being slutty was just too much fun. It was my escape from reality, sex could be so mind numbing and that was exactly what I wanted. I was shallow,  appeared to be cold hearted and unattached so casual sex seemed like the right fit for me. A lot of my friends told me I would make a good prostitute because I never got attached to any of  the numerous guys I slept with. I was accused by male and female alike of having no feelings, and not being “human.” In my book Casual Sex is for the Shallow I explain why being shallow and unattached when engaging in casual sex is the best method. I treated guys like monkey bars, I held onto one while moving onto another. Being a slut was easy for me, it required very little  physical,mental and emotional  effort. By sleeping around I would not have to deal with the “relationship doom” that was often loomed over my head. Because  of my many sexcapades, and my revealing attire I was told the same mantra  over and over and over again, “No one would be able to love a slut like me, the only reason any man would have a relationship with me would be for sex, and  as long as I have sex with men I would never get married.”  Why have a relationship if all that was ahead of me was heartbreak,rejection, and loneliness?

But then one night I saw his profile on myspace. It was his smile, it was  warm, he was so handsome, and out of all the friend requests and messages from random guys I chose to reach out to the guy with the handsome smile. When he met me at 18  I was a slut. I didn’t know what to do with a guy besides have sex.  I did not know what to talk about besides sex and my appearance.  I could not comprehend that he could like me for more than my appearance, I could not understand why he would want to be around me without having sex. And when he said that he hated to hear my “whore- rror” stories, was when it hit me that my choice of sleeping around before I met him and during the breaks in our relationship not only affected me but affected him as well.

I used to cry in his chest out of regret from my past choices. And I wondered if I hadn’t been a slut would I have met such a wonderful man?  If I had not been trolling for men on myspace  that night would I have met him? It was my sluttiness that brought us together and I love him all the more for accepting me for who I am and looking past my sexual history.

Despite what people may say, whether you are promiscuous, an escort, a stripper or a porn star there is someone out there who will love you. Sleeping around does not sentence you to a life of loneliness and disparity. For the women out there that do things backwards like me, here’s to sluttiness, to love and to happiness.

Author’s note: I am not promoting casual sex or promiscuity, I’m simply sharing my story hoping to encourage women that no matter what your sex life there exists hope, love and happiness.

cropped-cropped-cropped-cropped-cropped-cropped-cropped-cropped-cropped-chalk211.jpg   HAPPY READING 🙂