Patronizing Casual Sex

The one thing I can do for women as a woman’s advocate and as a lover of women is be honest with them about their situation especially when it comes to casual sex. I do not call myself an expert on casual sex for no reason. Unfortunately, I have had years of experience, and I have seen first hand the emotional  repercussions of casual sex. I have been on both ends of the casual sex lifestyle, I was at one point the girl that was rejected after having casual sex and I was the woman that men wanted to have a relationship with after having casual sex. I know all about no strings attached, I worked with a man that produced porn and was a pimp, I’ve talked the producers of porn, I know all about the mass production of sexuality. I am going over my credentials because when I give honest advice about casual sex, it might come off as callous, insensitive and unattached but that is what casual sex is all about.

I read a post on Thought Catalog about a 25 year old woman that posted an add on Craigslist to lose her virginity. The name of the post was I lost my virginity to a stranger on Craigslist at 25My sensible advice to this woman was to “pull up her panties and move on,” and I was called insensitive, which of course baffled me. This woman did not just fall on to this man’s penis, she wanted to lose her virginity in a casual way and she did. Her experience was everything that a casual sex encounter should be but she was disappointed. Of course her experience was unromantic and detached, why? Because she posted an add on Craigslist soliciting unattached casual sex.

The truth is casual sex often disappoints. In her post she mentioned that she was able to get an orgasm, but she was still unsatisfied. I am not going to patronize her and say “poor you,” because I do not see a reason to. Was being a virgin really that bad? Casual sex is a choice. This is a woman in her mid twenties, it’s not like she is a teenager, or this guy promised her love or satisfaction beyond belief, she got what she advertised for. Casual sex is not a magical dance that will make detached, shallow, and meaningless sex more that what it should be.

I have a message of hope for this woman. This is not the be it and end all of her life, and there were worst things she could have been than a virgin, in fact she put herself in a worse situation. My message of hope is that I was used, abused, then I abused myself. The worst thing you can do is hurt yourself, and victimize yourself. I was told that I would be a prostitute, and end up dying from an STD and I made it.The bad choices I made and the ill treatment of my vagina did not and does not define the person I am today. So yes, its okay for this woman to be sad and cry, but it could have been a lot worse. And all we can do as women is pull up our panties and move on, that’s the reality of casual sex.

Advice: As a woman when it comes to casual sex you are not allowed to have expectations, because expectations do not belong in casual sex.Having expectations in casual sex will only lead to disappointment like this woman from the post on Thought Catalog.

Drunk Casual Sex? Rape? Alcohol

I read an article in the New York Times about rape and alcohol. The author is basically saying that by “focusing” on the fact that the victim is drunk is shifting the blame from the perpetrator to the victim. No one wants to shift the blame from the rapist but mentioning that because she was drunk she found herself in a more vulnerable situation is helpful information that can be used in a preventative way to help other women avoid putting themselves in that similar situation. Here is the link to the article http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2013/10/23/young-women-drinking-and-rape/in-discussing-rape-prevention-dont-shift-the-focus-from-men.

This is a discussion that needs to be had.As women, physically we are the more vulnerable sex. Drinking alcohol makes us even more vulnerable, especially when it comes to rape. I admit that there are times in my life where I have gotten drunk and came to riding a penis, and wondering how I got there? How I got undressed, I don’t remember, but what I do remember is someone’s penis in my vagina and it was not violent. I was not screaming, I was just in a blur.  Some would call that rape, but I don’t. I don’t call it rape partly because the guy was intoxicated too, maybe not as intoxicated as I was but he had a fair share of alcohol in him. Do I persecute this guy who was almost as drunk as I was? What if he thought I knew that he was initiating sex because even if I don’t remember I did?  Was it drunken casual sex or rape? Did he take advantage of me if he was drunk too? The truth is when two people are drunk it makes this a very delicate situation. Ladies this is a situation that you do not want to find yourself in.

Its rape when the woman is unconscious and the guy is taking advantage of her current state. This situation above is preventable ( unless someone spiked your drink). Knowledge is power, and as a woman knowing that getting drunk in certain situations is not safe, and can lead to a man raping her, or preying on her is beneficial advice. When a person is drunk they lose sense of their inhibitions. I’ve done it and I’ve witnessed other women doing it too. You loosen up, you start dancing a little more suggestive, your breasts are exposed and you don’t care, you flash your panties a few times, and that’s all fine and dandy but that puts  you at a higher risk for getting raped.As long as men have penises as woman there is a risk of getting raped.

There are men just waiting to prey on a drunk woman, lurking in the corner like predator searching for the woman that is the most impaired. It’s sad,and disgusting but it’s true. I remember meeting these rappers at a hotel with a friend of mine. I was tipsy and they could tell, my panties were showing and I was oblivious to that fact until a friend pointed it out to me. Like vultures circling a dead carcass these rapper guys tried coaxing me to their hotel room, thank God for a good friend that refused to let me go alone, and saw my vulnerable state.It happens at the bar you’re really drunk and some guy tries draggin you away but hopefully you are surrounded by a group of friends that know you’re drunk and will not let you go off without them.

As a woman it is not safe, nor is it smart to get drunk to the point of passing out in a public place away from friends or a safety net. These men that prey on women are looking for the injured, broken, isolated and impaired because they are easy to prey on.

Our teenage young women need to know that getting drunk with a group of teenage boys and or men at a party or elsewhere is not safe nor is it legal. Steubenville, Maryville and more tragic stories like these of young girls under the influence of alcohol getting raped is becoming an epidemic.  Why are all of these teenage girls getting drunk and raped? Who is supplying these children with the alcohol? Who is teaching these young men that they need to get a girl drunk and take advantage of her? This society is raising a bunch of rapists. We have to teach our daughters prevention, because teaching boys not to rape just is not enough. 

Remember that being raped does not define who you are or what you can be.

Flirting With The Sex Industry

I saw a show on MSNBC about sexual slavery in America. These women are forced to have sex with random men. Some wanting desperately to escape but are afraid to ask for help. And here I was, young, from a loving home, in need of nothing, in want of nothing but I chose to willingly sell my body. I had a choice, I had options and I chose to make my body my own prison. My heart grieves for these women and children who do not have power over their own bodies, who do not have a choice like I did.  Why do women choose to sell their bodies when they do not have to?

Casual sex was my “gateway drug”. Because promiscuity was second nature to me, the thought of escorting was not too far off. When I met the man that formally introduced me to escorting and amateur porn that lifestyle was the farthest thing from my mind.

The night I met him I  wore a zebra printed lace back dress. I was totally overdressed for what was supposed to be a house party.It was all star weekend in Arizona and boyfriend at the time was 23 and wanted to go to the club so I had nothing better to do than accompany my best friend to a house party she got invited to as we were both only 19. We walked into a dimly lit apartment and there were only men.

Unfortunately I attracted the attention of Mr. X, and his brand new BMW attracted me. He asked me casually to take a seat in his new BMW, and of course as vain and as shallow as I was I did. He told me that we could make lots of money together, I would train “bitches” and they would be staying in this apartment complex that he and his cousins were renting out. I just agreed as he scooped me into lap. I was confused, but I didn’t ask if he was talking about prostitution. In my post Memoirs Of a Human Waste Can, I mention that Mr. X told me it was “promotional modeling that he was really talking about,” when I asked him if he meant prostitution.  He said that he was just providing the clients, all we had to do was go out with these men to lunch or an event. Maybe them him a lap dance or two, he wasn’t making us have sex, but if we wanted the extra cash the choice was up to us. He didn’t like the word prostitution he preferred escorting, and he was not a pimp he was a businessman, an entrepreneur. He wanted me to call him daddy, and he called me bitch.

I walked up the apartment stairs, and he introduces me to his cousins and some men, and they say to him,” You always get the good looking ones.” Foolishly I laughed. I admit I was impressed, these men drove expensive cars, they looked expensive. He then gave me something to drink as he snorted a line.  I go back to the event of the shutting window, watching this whitey tighty wearing old man thrust me, and having to lick his nipple so he could “finish”. I felt coerced,I said no, he shut the window, he removed my tampon, I did not fight back, I lay there and pretended to like it, until I could no longer stomach the thought of being trapped underneath this hairy man with a gut.

But I went back to Mr. X,  just not right away. I promised my boyfriend at the time I would never go back to those apartments again. In fact, I was so frazzled that I called my boyfriend frantically after Mr. X did his business. I just wanted to go home. I got lost, I was bleeding since Mr.X removed my tampon because he liked it “nasty”. Eww. So my boyfriend drove to get me because I got lost. I was afraid to tell him what happened. I remember getting so drunk at his apartment, was it rape if I only said no once? if I never fought back? if I moaned? If it wasn’t violent? I couldn’t tell him because I was afraid he would leave me all I could do in my drunken stupor was scream and cry and crawl towards his front door. And to this very day this same man takes care of me, I was fortunate to meet him.I was lucky he could overlook my past and love me in my entirety. But that’s another story.

Then, my boyfriend and I broke up for a duration of time. It was suggested to me, by men and women alike that I go into the occupation of phone sex. So I registered online at this sex site, I put up a picture, and a little description. I changed my number that day, because the job offers would not stop. The emails would not stop. I did however, get in contact with one agent that said he worked down in Florida. He said I could be the next Lacey Duvalle. I was young, tight, and I wanted to succeed. He told me about wearing butt plugs, to get used to having a penis up my butt. He said those paid the most. He asked me if I liked sex, and I said sometimes, then he said, “If you’re getting 3000 dollars an hour you’re going to like it.” He wanted to send me a plane ticket down to Florida. He told me don’t cut myself anymore because my scars are not attractive. He had a director from the most ghetto porn production company call me, and that is when I knew, I could not go through with doing pornography. Being pummeled by multiple penises does not and did not appeal to me.

I started cutting myself again and I went back to Mr.X. He was like a daddy, but I already had a father, an amazing father. So he took me to this club which I was under aged for, to “work for him.” Sure I made tips walking back and forth with drinks. I even met a wanna be celebrity whose name is not worth mentioning. I remember a man pulling out a picture of a girl sucking his dick on his phone and showing it to me. I remember gunshots and standing in the elevator in case I had to make a quick escape. I was drunk, I was high. I remember one of his cousins hitting on me and being asked to leave the club. Then he left me with a group of girls who kept telling me how much he cares, because he was looking out for me. I was still high when we got back to Mr. X’s apartment, the girls were doing lines on the table, and I walked in the bathroom. There was this DJ,  a well known Dj, but he was really tall and really wide. He cornered me in the bathroom, I was scared, and luckily Mr. X told him to let me out. This massive man, wanted me for the night, he told Mr. X, he would pay him right now  if he let me go with him, but Mr. X said no I belonged to him. Somehow I ended up in a room with another one of Mr. X’s cousins who was making passes at me. Mr. X got angry, he thought I had sex with his cousin, so his cousin had to leave, and I was to be supervised in a room with one of Mr.X’s assistants. Then 3 more girls came in the room. And at 5 in the morning Mr. X came in the room, and us 5 girls, with Mr. X’s hand across all of us slept on the same bed.

I thought I was done with him after that, because I told him that I didn’t want to have sex with him. So he let me go. Before I left him I was introduced to “sugar daddy” dating sites. I was single, and bored, so I tried it. There I met a man who used to play for the Kansas City Chiefs. He flew me next day from Arizona to Kansas and back in a period of 12 hours. He picked me up in a shiny hummer, and handed me a burberry teddy bear. We stayed at the Hilton airport Hotel. He was fat like a hippo. I blocked the sex out because I was so disgusted. But I did take the cash he left on the bed. He must have been married because every hour someone kept calling his phone.

I went back to Mr. X, why? this time I don’t know. Maybe I was bored. That time he introduced me to amateur porn. It was easy enough. Getting naked for men over the internet, faking masturbation, messaging them, anything to keep them in my chat room. But then Mr. X tried to have sex with me yet again and was successful at it. We had sex live on camera, and all of a sudden my chat room was being stormed with customers. I remember the double sided dildo hiding in the corner of room. I told him to turn the camera off because I could not hide the disgust on my face. I knew he slept with every girl that “worked” for him and I couldn’t bring myself to do it again.Then I think he wanted to punish me because I told him strictly business. He told me that I would have to start turning tricks since I refused to sleep with him. The men were older and wealthy. These were the type of men that lived in gated communities, and had 3 or 4 Mercedes parked in the driveway. These were the type of men that paid the rent and other bills for their own personal escort. He said that I would go and render my services, then I would bring back the money and he would put the money in a pool with all the other girls’ money and he would distribute it out evenly to all of us. That did not make much sense to me so again, I said goodbye to Mr. X.

A few months later his very cute cousin sent me a message on a popular social network. Being bored as usual I decided to meet him, but I told him not to tell Mr. X. He said he could make me feel good, and missing my ex as much as I did, that sounded like a good idea. I got so high, that I woke up backwards on this guy’s penis and I don’t know how I got there. Then there was a knock on the door. Mr. X’s cousin told me to be quiet. I could hear Mr. X’s voice but it was muffled, I think he knew I was hidden in his cousins room but he didn’t come in.

Another few months went by and I found myself back in Mr. X’s apartment. He asked me what I would be bringing to the table this time? He wanted to see me naked and he wanted to sample the product. He said after 23 my looks would start going downhill, there will always be a girl that is younger, hotter and willing to do above and beyond what I was willing to do. After I proved to him that I was serious about making money for him, I left and I never went back to him again.

Shortly after, I met another man off of this sugar daddy dating site. He said he would pay me to have dinner with him twice a month, send him pictures and talk to him on the phone. That was easy enough. He didn’t want sex he wanted companionship. I soon found out that he didn’t want sex because he had a very small penis. This guy was a creep who enjoyed calling me names when I did not answer his calls, I didn’t care about him I cared about the money. He lost his job and could not pay me so I stopped talking to him.

Then I moved back to the place where I was coached in casual sex and met another guy off the sugar daddy site, this guy out of careful deliberation this time. He lived in a mansion located in a prestigious part of Illinois. His house was picture perfect. He obviously had a maid. Leather seats, and fur rugs lined the many rooms in his house. He didn’t cook, I could tell by all the water bottles and alcohol that lined his fridge. He had the most beautiful bathroom, with a steam shower, it was like showering in a waterfall. He got me drunk off of vodka and tonic, we were not supposed to have sex on this visit, but the alcohol got the better of me. I woke up, naked next to him and I thought I could hear other footsteps in the house. I was scared but I had to wait till morning because it was  a long drive back home.

That was the last time I sold sex of any kind. The thought of suffering through sex with men just made me sick. This was not therapy. Doing porn, stripping or prostituting myself was not the medication that would heal my mind. I was only making myself sicker than I already was. Selling my body was not the cure for a broken heart, boredom or depression.How many dicks would it take to fill the gaping hole in my chest? How many more men? The men were not the issue I was.  The first step to healing is personal accountability. There is life after working in the sex industry, and there is a lot more happiness after leaving it. What I choose to do with what is between my legs does not and did not define who I was, am, and will be. 

“Therefore if any man be in Christ he is a new creature,old things are passed away,behold all things become new,” 2 Corinthians 5:17

What I Learn’t From Casual Sex

  • Always use a condom– Birth control pills are not enough. Not because the outside of a man’s penis looks normal means he does not have an STD.
  • Plan B is meant as emergency contraception only- I would not recommend using it regularly.
  • Sex is a biological function. A man can have sex with me and not be attracted to me, or not care about me at all. A man interested in casual sex will have sex with any woman who is willing.
  • Casual sex is selfish.
  • Casual sex worked out for me because I was vain and shallow.
  • I am an  object. My self-worth is found only in between my legs. If I cannot have sex I am worthless.
  • Being attractive is the most important thing.
  • Chronic, Habitual Casual Sex was a symptom of  deeper unresolved issues that I had not dealt with and still need to deal with.
  • I’m not in control during casual sex when I am not connected to myself.
  • Sex can only buy me temporary things.

Is Casual Sex A Reason Why You Are Single?

Could it be that all the free sex is the reason why you have not had a date in months or maybe even years?

Sex on demand

Men do not need to get married or even date  a woman to gratify themselves sexually anymore. Sex is readily available at the click of a button. It’s at the strip club and on the street corner. Casual sex is even  available on the phone apps.  I remember doing amateur porn on the internet for 4.00 dollars a minute. That’s pretty inexpensive to see a woman’s naked body.  What’s the point of having a girlfriend when you can see, breasts, butt and vagina at your fingertips? Sex is not just happening to his penis it is images, thoughts and fantasies ingrained in his mind. A man can do a lot with one picture. He can also  pretend that the woman or women he has casual sex with is a woman from one of his fantasies, or a woman that he desires to have sex with but can’t.

No Strings Attached

If you think about the concept it makes sense. Why should he commit if he is getting everything that a boyfriend or husband would from  you or someone else? Men and women have two totally different motivations for having sex. Women have sex to get emotion from the man, (not all women) and men give emotion to get sex from  the woman.  So, if he is getting the sex without giving a commitment  why should he commit? If its free with no strings attached why not? No strings does not just affect the women who are engaging in casual sex it affects those who are not.

The Church

Singleness is  rampant in the church as well. Why are there so many single Christian women? I have a slight inclination that some of these single  Christian men are too busy jacking it to porn to care about having a real emotional relationship. Pre marital sex, and casual sex are two things that Christians engage in just like everybody else. I can’t help but recognize that the casual sex epidemic has infiltrated the churches as well.

Who’s to blame?

 If casual sex wasn’t becoming so rampant would  more men  have to take the time to commit to a relationship? Casual sex has a ripple effect. It is affecting marriage, and dating. Men will always win in casual sex, especially if you are using casual sex to extract a relationship from this man. Your vagina is tangible and his emotions are not. He can take back  his soft gentle words of endearment but you cannot take back the sex you just had with him.

When I was young  I used to  say,” I’m having sex with this guy so you don’t have too, I’m doing you a favor.” That’s how I defended my promiscuity (sometimes) back then. I was just saying that to say it at the time, but now as an adult I can see the truth in what I was saying. I understand now, why so many girls back then hated me. Because I offered sex with no strings  the guys I slept with had no reason to have a relationship with any of the other women.  I didn’t want to admit it then, and a part of me still does not want to admit it now, but a main motivator for a man to pursue any type of relationship with a woman is SEX.

Men

Eventually most men want to settle down, but with all this “free sex” it probably will be a lot later. Maybe after they get tired of using their hand to masturbate to porn, or the fake vagina rips to pieces , or  trying to have sex with a different woman every night gets more difficult,or they reach the point when companionship and success is more important than sex. Maybe then all those single men will want to have a relationship with a woman in her entirety.

Self-Help

If you are struggling with being single buy a vibrator and live your life. Casual sex is not worth the risk anyway.