Category Archives: Casual sex and appearance

I hope this brings you peace at least for Tonight

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

I have a simple question, Can you accept your choice or do you need others to accept it so that you can rationalize that what you are doing to and with yourself is okay? Whatever choice it is that you are going to be making tonight or in the future I hope that it leaves you feeling at peace instead of feeling unrest.  You are the only one that has to accept your sexuality and or sexual choices . Regardless, you live with what you do with your body no else does. At the end of the day I think all humans strive for peace with themselves. Whenever I feel uneasy I read this prayer and ask God for peace, I hope that it will do the same for some of you.

Selling Your Sex,Pop Culture and Real Life

I made it personal this time, its not just selling sex, it’s selling Your sex. Many women do this, thinking maybe it is freeing, its empowering, this is feminism to be able to prance around half naked, and gyrate on stage or in public without being objectified. Well, not only are you objectifying your self but you are allowing and encouraging others to objectify you as well. Pop culture is saturated with women selling their sex, using their sexualtiy to build an audience, to stand out, and to sell whatever product it is they are endorsing.I can think of countless of names but to me these women are irrelevant because they know that what’s on camera does not always translate well in real life.

Very few women are able to monetize substantially, if at all, from selling their sexualuty. I am not only referring to sew workers but to women, especially young women that use their sexuality as a tool to  for whatever purpose. They walk around ass cheeks hanging out, stomach out, breasts out, and they call it empowering, they say its freeing, and if you objectify them you are the lowest of the low. What these young women don’t understand is they are objectifying themselves, “look at me,” “look at my body,” even I a heterosexual woman looks not at them, but at their exposed body parts because in that moment that’s all I see. You choose the way people treat you most of the time. If you treat yourself like a toy other people will treat you the same way, why should I care or respect her if she doesn’t respect herself?

When you sell your sexuality you leave yourself  open to harsh criticisms, people look at you with a microscope, “look at her cellulite, her thighs touch, her butts too flat, her boobs are uneven, her ass is hanging out, ” you feel the heat of their eyes scrutinizing every inch of you looking for the perfection they may see in a magazine or on TV but this is real life.  Is worrying about cellulite and stretch marks empowering? Is trying to look as perfect as the airbrushed images in the magazine that freeing? If  you walk out and every guy hits on you does that make you beautiful? What happens when the whistles, and honks stop? Selling and owning your sexuality are two different things. Owning your sexuality is not dependent on the attention of other’s.

Real life is very different than a music video, or movie. Many of these women don’t  care about half of what they are getting paid to say or do, and  many don’t live  out their lyrics or  roles on TV  in real life. Young women don’t be fooled. Its one thing to sell yourself, be famous and make millions off it, its another to sell yourself for attention, or power, or love and have nothing to show for it. I’ll tell you a secret, what you have on your chest and between your legs every woman has. You’re no more special than the next woman. Educating your mind is how you empower self. Self- awareness is freedom.

Last point. Sex is not about murdering your vagina, its not about beating it to the point where you can’t walk, or where you bleed,  and it’s not about tearing you a new one. That’s brutality, unless you enjoy pain. Sex should be enjoyment for you and your partner.

I really enjoyed this video and its something all women and men should listen too.

My First Book : Casual Sex Is For the Shallow

Casual Sex is for the Shallow is a short guide for women on the good, the bad and the grey areas of casual sex. This guide does not mince words when it comes to explaining the reasons why your one night stand never called you back, why your friends with benefits arrangement ended with you in tears, and why the super vain, super shallow girl that you know always ends up with a boyfriend or date after her casual sex encounters. Casual Sex is for the Shallow explores the actual meaning behind the phrase “casual sex” and explores the anatomical as well the emotional aspects of sex. After reading this novelette the reader has the knowledge to make an informed choice about engaging in casual sex.

  • All you need to know about Casual Sex in less than 40 pages
  • Only Available on Amazon

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Loose Strings

I’m so numb I can’t feel for myself far less for anyone else at times. Being numb is how I survived.Having been sex worker for a short time and being as promiscuous as I was  people always assume that I was a cold, callous and a heartless woman. Of course I had to appear to be that way I had to look out for myself. Because I never felt inclined to end a casual relationship I have a lot of loose strings left hanging around.

These strings haunt me. I’m afraid to see them again. I don’t want them to see me, the girl that has scarred herself so deeply that the skin is raised, I don’t want them to see me the size 1 that is now a size 2-3, I don’t want them to see me weak and defenseless and human. Loving someone else made me sofer, loving myself made me softer too, and being loved made me desire the tenderness and comfort of a loving relationship. I don’t like showing just anyone that I am human.

My loose strings show up at my front door unexpectedly,they call me on the phone, and message me on facebook, I even see them in them in the supermarkets. Some leave me gifts and cards wanting to know why I just stopped communicating with them ? They seem to care so much and yet I care so little. I feel an inkling of compassion for some, those who have been there since the beginning, some were even better to me than my “actual friends.” But I don’t care enough to communicate with them, I make broken promises, I say I’ll text or call, I lie and say I’ve moved, and I don’t pick up the phone.

I thought casual sex was supposed to be no strings but that’s impossible isn’t it. I share common knowledge that with each individual one, it’s not something that plagues my mind, but its stored somewhere in the back of my brain. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to be found by any of them, I don’t want to experience this person’s xray vision remembering my body, the sounds I made, the way I felt, and the things I said. I don’t want to feel that shame that my boyfriend feels when he wonders what I guy have been with and what type of sex I had with them.

I made a rule to never date a guy had casual sex with and guess what? I’m sticking to it. I made one exception, he was the only exception and thankfully he was the right exception.

This to you, all of you, every single one of my loose strings, you’re mine because our memories belong to me. I know I will be the last one to forget even though I was the first to let go. I hope you find this one day when you’re older, when I’m a fading memory, when you have a daughter of your own then maybe you will understand why I treated you the way that I did :

I hate you, or something very close to hate. You disgust me, in fact I find you very repulsive.  I don’t want to be friends with you, nor do I want to talk to you. You could never keep that disgusting thing away from me, I hate how easily you showed me  your weakness.You are bothersome, why can’t you let you?  Why can’t you leave me alone? I used you for various reasons, sex included.  You are nothing but a shameful notch in my belt, and  one number out of many. I want to hurt you. I want to give you misery. I want to give you pain even though you did nothing to me that I didn’t want and if I didn’t want it I know I never bothered to mention. I don’t get rejected, I do the rejecting so stop getting in my way and preventing me from being happy. Forget me, my sex is the only thing you know about me anyway. But if this was just casual why do I feel uncomfortable letting you go? Why can’t I face you? I don’t want to be cruel so please leave me alone.

I shared this today on my blog because this is a reality of casual sex that needs to seen, this is not gold star sticker sex, this is not a fairytale, there is nothing casual about exchanging bodily fluids with someone else.You may be like me and never admit it, but I will admit  that I feel, I have feelings, I feel bad for hurting others and it hurts letting go of , and the regret hurts too.  I wanted to give my readers a peak into my mind when I was involved  in the  casual sex lifestyle, my feelings, and thoughts then and now. Casual sex is not a game there are very real consequences that follow you, some for the rest of your life.

 

 

Casual Sex is For the Shallow

I must have been born vain. From a child I always very meticulous about my appearance. I was a mean girl at 7, I remember sticking my tongue out at people that I thought in my childish mind were “ugly”. When I entered middle school I entered the awkward phase, I had silver metal braces, glasses, I was very skinny, and my clothes were far from fashionable. I was called four eyes, and brace face  the usual teeny bopper teasing. In those days I was a fly on the wall observing the interactions between the sexes. And then there was High School the place where I had my sexual awakening.

I had my first casual sex encounter in  highschool, it was in the boys bathroom by the weight room, I gave fellatio to a friend’s older brother. He was 18 and I was 14. I had a penis in my mouth before I had my first kiss. He told me that kissing would make me  get attached to him and he did not want that. He encouraged me to practice giving oral sex to other guys so that the next time we met up I would better at it. No one was supposed to know our secret. So why at 14 was I sucking this guys dick? It made me feel special, attractive, and in a twisted way  to my  immature  teenage mind doing this meaningless act of sucking his dick made me feel wanted. That same guy had sex with me,never kissed me and then rejected me.

Being a teenager  at the time I was destroyed, my self-esteem, and my self -worth was in ruins. Because of the secrecy of our “ relationship”  I could  not help shake the feeling that this guy was ashamed of me, and the only thing I could think of him being ashamed of was my appearance. I thought to myself, “I would never let another man make me feel that ugly,and  worthless way again.”  I decided to change the only thing I could change about myself, my appearance.

At that young age I could not understand rejection so after he rejected me, which I took as a complete and total rejection of my entirety I ditched the glasses, and started dressing in clothes that flattered my svelte frame. This change was my revenge on the guy who threw me a way like a used piece of toilet paper. I wanted him to see with his eyes what he was missing out on.  After my physical transformation I started getting a lot of male attention, and like most teenage girls that attention went straight to my head.  I started having casual sex with different guys because I had to prove to myself that there was nothing wrong with me sexually or otherwise.I used sex to validate my normality.As a teenager casual sex made me feel powerful, I had “pussy power”, I was indestructible, I was the center of attention as long I looked good.

I continued to engage in the casual sex lifestyle for 8 years, focusing solely on my appearance. Truthfully, casual sex for me  was not bad, it was not the worse thing that I could have done to myself. I always ended up dating the guys I had random sex with. I was never insecure about my appearance, in fact casual sex in  regards to my physical appearance was a great confidence booster. In the beginning it was fun, I was never lonely, there was a man for everyday of the week. After years of experience I finally realized the key to enjoying  casual sex for a woman, being shallow.

While comforting a friend after she had been rejected after engaging in casual sex, the harsh reality of casual sex smacked me in the face like a  paddle brush. If you are not attractive,  if you are not meticulously  groomed to perfection  casual sex is not for you because casual sex is shallow.  Of course I was rejected a few times, but for me and shallow women like myself (back then) rejection is a rarity .

I do not condone casual sex but I do want to set the record straight which I do in my book Casual Sex is for the Shallow. I am always hearing these extreme horror stories of casual sex  or the ones that seem to be out of touch with reality.  Engaging in casual sex will not ruin your  life, but there are risks involved, such as STD’s, pregnancy, and of course the emotional ups and downs.  I had casual sex from my teens to my twenties and I am fine because I knew that casual sex has no hidden meaning and no expectation behind it. I did not expect anything but a penis, I did not expect a relationship, a phone call,  or validation because I knew that  expectations are not allowed when you engage in a behavior that is void of commitment and emotion .I was able after some time to obtain a healthy relationship, and I learned how to love myself.  Casual sex  for me was habitual, it was my way of acting out it was a symptom of a much deeper rooted problem.Casual sex did not ruin my life. Anyone can have casual sex but in my opinion and with my experiences it is the shallow few that walk away from that lifestyle with their emotions in tact.

After being in a relationship,falling in love and being with the same man,I can honestly say that  casual sex is grossly unfulfilling.

 

Sex does not Equal a Relationship: Excerpt from Casual Sex is for the Shallow

“Sex does not equal a relationship. Ladies, I want you to repeat this until you believe and understand that sex does not equal a relationship. Breathe. Take a few more deep breaths and let this true and key piece of information get absorbed into your pretty brain. This is a fact that all men know and understand, but it is a truth that few women are able to accept. Without the emotion, sex is a three letter action word. There is no hidden meaning.

Using sex in hopes of acquiring a relationship rarely ever happens.  If you haven’t defined that there indeed is a relationship, rolling around in bed will not do that. Sex is not the string that will tie the two of you together, nor will it bring him closer to committing to you.  Sex is not the magical dance that turns a friendship into a relationship.”

When  I wrote this I thought of all the young women from teens, to early and mid twenties who have been coerced into sleeping with a guy in hopes that it will bring them closer together.  Or those who listen to advice of friends that sex is the next step that will seal the deal and set the monogamy in motion. I wrote this to silence that voice of expectation and hope some women may hold onto in hopes of using sex to extort a relationship, or bargain their way into a relationship with a man. I want this advice to be the voice of reason when the emotions take over and one cannot think straight. A relationship does not start with casual sex. If a relationship is the object of desire I would recommend getting to know that person on an intellectual and emotional level first.

The Man in Pursuit of No Strings: Excerpt from Casual Sex is for the Shallow

“This man is a shallow creature. He pays very close attention to physical attributes before he gets into a relationship with you, especially if  he just want to use you like a Kleenex and throw you away or keep you around like a pocket handkerchief.

He notices the shape and color of your eyes, if you have a mole on your chin, the shape of your lips, what you smell like, whether you have dandruff or not, the length of your hair, the size of your breasts, if your hips are uneven and if you have manicured toes. This man does not need to approach you to notice most of these physical traits. Have you ever noticed how some men will size you up, leering at you, looking at you up and down?  He isn’t looking for personality; he doesn’t want to get to know you.  This man does not want a relationship. He wants no strings. He searches for a woman who has “never done this before” and is curious, or is drunk enough to let go of her inhibitions, or the woman in the corner screaming with insecurity. To this man any woman who is willing will do. He just wants to play “show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”  He doesn’t care if you’re a good person, whether you are a stranger or his co-worker that he sees 5 days a week. He merely wants to scratch the surface of your emotions and drown in the place where most women with inexperience keep their emotions stowed away, not in their head, not in their heart, but in their vaginas.”