Mentioning the negative aspects of casual sex is not slut shaming. Pointing out the emotional trauma that casual sex can inflict is not slut shaming. Pointing out the difference between casual sex and an open relationship is not slut shaming. Sex positive is not the Opposite of Slut Shaming. I don’t need to be Sex Positive to have a healthy and Happy Sex Life.
Sex Is Not the Medication That Will Make Your Mind Right. That one sentence says it all. Casual sex should not be used to remedy any sort of emotional aliment.
Habitual Casual sex is a symptom, a band aid, a quick fix, self-medication and it always often masks a deeper problem. Sometimes you are not even aware of what that problem is, you just know that sleeping around soothes, or comforts, you for a short time. What happens when you stop, when those partners have moved on and are not around? How do you deal with the loneliness or the anxiety? Are you craving sex or the intimacy?
Casual sex compounds situations such as sexual abuse or rape because engaging in casual sex can make you feel like you are reliving the situation again.Consensual sex might trigger a flashback of rape or abuse. The inability to say no but the desire to say no might leave you feeling confused. For some who have been abused casual sex can be used as a form of punishment. Because of the abuse some women feel disconnected from themselves when they have sex. They are not present during the action and this can cause an unhealthy relationship with sex to begin. I remember having sex with random people and in my mind screaming no, but instead moans came out. Sex became my prison I had to suffer through this torture.I was hurting myself with sex. My whole view of sex became warped, it was ugly, bad, a burden, a chore, all because I used sex to help me escape from the conflicts raging in my mind. Sexual abuse allowed me to disconnect and disassociate during my casual sex encounters. I wasn’t there, that wasn’t really me sleeping with all those men. Because I wasn’t there emotionally during sex, I felt nothing for those men. They meant nothing to me. I was in control, I was the sexual aggressor, by not saying no they couldn’t force me into doing anything I didn’t want to. My story is not does not speak for every woman. Not every woman who has been raped, or molested engages in casual sex. For me, that was just what I ended up doing, it was my way of trying to resolve the confusion in my mind. Sex was my escape, I could use it to get things, it was my band aid, and my medication. Only, sleeping around made it worse. Here I was, saying yes, but thinking no, and feeling disgusted at them and at me afterward.Along with drugs and alcohol this is the worst form of self-medication especially if you have been raped, or abused.
I’m guilty of using casual sex as a bandage for my broken heart. I did this all the time with my on and off again boyfriend. As soon as he left me, that same day, I was in bed with someone else. If I was not under the influence I could not ignore the ache in my chest as I was tossed around by some faceless man. Its not that sleeping with someone else made me forget him, it just made me feel like I was hurting him. In reality, I was only hurting myself, I got no enjoyment from the sex except a false sense of “Look of who’s crying now.” Casual sex won’t mend your broken heart it might just cause an even bigger ache.
Sex is not the cure for low self-esteem or lack of self worth. Sex is not the price you have to pay to get the worth that you thought you gave away back. In my book I mention an example of having sex in my teens with a guy I liked and he rejected me soon after. He ignored my phones calls, and eventually ended up telling me to leave him alone. At that young age I thought I had lost my worth, I really believed that he took it, he had it, and I wanted it back. I thought that sleeping around would validate my worth. Men wanting to have sex with me meant that I was attractive,and beautiful.That was a false sense of self-worth and self-esteem. I can’t stress this enough, “You were born with self-worth it is not something any man or woman can give to you or take away from you. Self-esteem is something you find, it has nothing to with anyone else.”
Is casual sex your drug, or do you use it as therapy? Only you can fix you, not a man, and not a dick, that is why sex is not the medication that will make your mind right….
I made it personal this time, its not just selling sex, it’s selling Your sex. Many women do this, thinking maybe it is freeing, its empowering, this is feminism to be able to prance around half naked, and gyrate on stage or in public without being objectified. Well, not only are you objectifying your self but you are allowing and encouraging others to objectify you as well. Pop culture is saturated with women selling their sex, using their sexualtiy to build an audience, to stand out, and to sell whatever product it is they are endorsing.I can think of countless of names but to me these women are irrelevant because they know that what’s on camera does not always translate well in real life.
Very few women are able to monetize substantially, if at all, from selling their sexualuty. I am not only referring to sew workers but to women, especially young women that use their sexuality as a tool to for whatever purpose. They walk around ass cheeks hanging out, stomach out, breasts out, and they call it empowering, they say its freeing, and if you objectify them you are the lowest of the low. What these young women don’t understand is they are objectifying themselves, “look at me,” “look at my body,” even I a heterosexual woman looks not at them, but at their exposed body parts because in that moment that’s all I see. You choose the way people treat you most of the time. If you treat yourself like a toy other people will treat you the same way, why should I care or respect her if she doesn’t respect herself?
When you sell your sexuality you leave yourself open to harsh criticisms, people look at you with a microscope, “look at her cellulite, her thighs touch, her butts too flat, her boobs are uneven, her ass is hanging out, ” you feel the heat of their eyes scrutinizing every inch of you looking for the perfection they may see in a magazine or on TV but this is real life. Is worrying about cellulite and stretch marks empowering? Is trying to look as perfect as the airbrushed images in the magazine that freeing? If you walk out and every guy hits on you does that make you beautiful? What happens when the whistles, and honks stop? Selling and owning your sexuality are two different things. Owning your sexuality is not dependent on the attention of other’s.
Real life is very different than a music video, or movie. Many of these women don’t care about half of what they are getting paid to say or do, and many don’t live out their lyrics or roles on TV in real life. Young women don’t be fooled. Its one thing to sell yourself, be famous and make millions off it, its another to sell yourself for attention, or power, or love and have nothing to show for it. I’ll tell you a secret, what you have on your chest and between your legs every woman has. You’re no more special than the next woman. Educating your mind is how you empower self. Self- awareness is freedom.
Last point. Sex is not about murdering your vagina, its not about beating it to the point where you can’t walk, or where you bleed, and it’s not about tearing you a new one. That’s brutality, unless you enjoy pain. Sex should be enjoyment for you and your partner.
I really enjoyed this video and its something all women and men should listen too.
I wrote this guide because I found myself surrounded by broken hearted women and if I wasn’t surrounded by them my sister was, or my friends were. So many women hurt over sex, and what some man did to them; wanting, yearning, going crazy almost in an attempt to understand why, why not them? Why did this man choose to treat them this way and not someone else? Why had they had three or more sexual partners and no relationship? Why was he ignoring them? Why couldn’t they get over him?
In today’s society women are saturated with the shallow woman’s superficial story. Hollywood makes it look so easy: this beautiful woman has a one night stand and the guy ends up marrying her. Or she’s sleeping around with multiple partners and she has no emotional, relational or psychological issues. I wanted to use examples of women engaging in casual sex that are not represented because casual sex often times does not have a fairy tale ending.
For some women this is real life. Theses are questions they are faced with daily. How do they answer these question? The best thing is education, having a conversation about casual sex. Not every woman understands that casual sex is casual sex, some don’t know the meaning of casual sex. If a woman feels rejected after a one night stand, or her friend with benefits end their arrangement and she feels hurt does that make her immature and unintelligent? No, its normal especially as a woman to experience emotional attachments especially when engaging in c sex of any kind, it is normal to feel rejected . Having emotions and getting attached is part of being human and being able to express them in a healthy way is normal.
Women need something that will protect their minds as well as their bodies and my book is is. Happy Reading!
How is sleeping around sexual freedom? I think some women just like throwing the term “ sexual freedom” around when they express their desire to have random sex with strangers because it sounds powerful, strong and maybe it helps them rationalize making a decision that is counter productive to the meaning of sexual freedom. I wonder, do these women know what sexual freedom is? Do they really understand what it is to be sexually empowered? How is riding random dicks freeing? If you think sexual freedom has something to do with a male penis then you are sadly mistaken because sexual freedom has nothing to do with a male or his penis.
Sexual freedom is having the option to choose what you do with your vagina. You can choose to have sex or to abstain from it.You understand what sex means to you, and how it ties in with your mind, and body. With sexual freedom you have the ability to express your sexuality without relying on a man or the opinion of others. Sexual freedom is taking responsibility for your sexual and reproductive health. It allows you to live with the choices you have made about your sexuality shamelessly.
Sexual freedom is not feeling like your body is your prison as you are probed by a penis. In my younger years I believed that sleeping around was sexually freeing, sex made me feel like I had super pussy powers.In my book I talk about using casual sex as a form of escapism, an escape for me that turned into a prison. I started feeling trapped during sex. Sex became a chore, it was a job, I needed to get drunk or high to enjoy it. Feeling pressured to have sex is not sexual freedom, neither is feeling obligated to have sex with a man. Sexual freedom is having the ability to say yes but also knowing yourself well enough to know, and have the strength to say no. Is doing sexual acts you are uncomfortable with sexual freedom? Is being ashamed to leave your house and run into all the people you had casual sex with freeing? Is enduring hours of painful sex freeing? Is being treated like an object freeing? Is not being allowed to express your emotions freeing? Is worrying about STD’s and pregnancy freeing? If that is freedom, then I’m telling you, I’ve lived it, I’ve had it, and I don’t want it.
I want all women to understand what sexual freedom is and to experience it. Casual sex and sexual freedom have nothing to with each it’s like apples and oranges, they are not the same and doing one does not prove the other.
I do everything backwards and in no order especially when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. My boyfriend of almost 7 years saw my half naked pictures before we met as did everyone on myspace,( this was back in 2008 when myspace was a thing). He said hello to my bright green thong before he got a chance to say hello to me, and we introduced private parts before we had our first date. I was lonely and bored in a new state, our meeting was just supposed to be a casual encounter, I never thought that one night of sluttiness would turn into 6 years of love and happiness.
I grew up in a Christian home. I was taught that sex before marriage is a sin, one of the worst sins because it is a sin against the body. Despite what I knew about sex I ended up having a lot of it with a lot of people. I was the “good time” girl, I was easy, the slut, I was often accused of changing boys as regularly as I changed my underwear. By Christians and non christians I was persecuted because of my promiscuity. Isn’t what I do with what’s between my legs my business? The girls treated me like I was a disease, I was often the subject of name calling and bullying. The guys however flocked to me like moths to light, they protected me from the girls who often threatened to beat me up, they skipped school with me when I needed to escape,some even tried to save me from my sluttiness by offering me a relationship, but I refused.
For me, being slutty was just too much fun. It was my escape from reality, sex could be so mind numbing and that was exactly what I wanted. I was shallow, appeared to be cold hearted and unattached so casual sex seemed like the right fit for me. A lot of my friends told me I would make a good prostitute because I never got attached to any of the numerous guys I slept with. I was accused by male and female alike of having no feelings, and not being “human.” In my book Casual Sex is for the Shallow I explain why being shallow and unattached when engaging in casual sex is the best method. I treated guys like monkey bars, I held onto one while moving onto another. Being a slut was easy for me, it required very little physical,mental and emotional effort. By sleeping around I would not have to deal with the “relationship doom” that was often loomed over my head. Because of my many sexcapades, and my revealing attire I was told the same mantra over and over and over again, “No one would be able to love a slut like me, the only reason any man would have a relationship with me would be for sex, and as long as I have sex with men I would never get married.” Why have a relationship if all that was ahead of me was heartbreak,rejection, and loneliness?
But then one night I saw his profile on myspace. It was his smile, it was warm, he was so handsome, and out of all the friend requests and messages from random guys I chose to reach out to the guy with the handsome smile. When he met me at 18 I was a slut. I didn’t know what to do with a guy besides have sex. I did not know what to talk about besides sex and my appearance. I could not comprehend that he could like me for more than my appearance, I could not understand why he would want to be around me without having sex. And when he said that he hated to hear my “whore- rror” stories, was when it hit me that my choice of sleeping around before I met him and during the breaks in our relationship not only affected me but affected him as well.
I used to cry in his chest out of regret from my past choices. And I wondered if I hadn’t been a slut would I have met such a wonderful man? If I had not been trolling for men on myspace that night would I have met him? It was my sluttiness that brought us together and I love him all the more for accepting me for who I am and looking past my sexual history.
Despite what people may say, whether you are promiscuous, an escort, a stripper or a porn star there is someone out there who will love you. Sleeping around does not sentence you to a life of loneliness and disparity. For the women out there that do things backwards like me, here’s to sluttiness, to love and to happiness.
Author’s note: I am not promoting casual sex or promiscuity, I’m simply sharing my story hoping to encourage women that no matter what your sex life there exists hope, love and happiness.
“Sex does not equal a relationship. Ladies, I want you to repeat this until you believe and understand that sex does not equal a relationship. Breathe. Take a few more deep breaths and let this true and key piece of information get absorbed into your pretty brain. This is a fact that all men know and understand, but it is a truth that few women are able to accept. Without the emotion, sex is a three letter action word. There is no hidden meaning.
Using sex in hopes of acquiring a relationship rarely ever happens. If you haven’t defined that there indeed is a relationship, rolling around in bed will not do that. Sex is not the string that will tie the two of you together, nor will it bring him closer to committing to you. Sex is not the magical dance that turns a friendship into a relationship.”
When I wrote this I thought of all the young women from teens, to early and mid twenties who have been coerced into sleeping with a guy in hopes that it will bring them closer together. Or those who listen to advice of friends that sex is the next step that will seal the deal and set the monogamy in motion. I wrote this to silence that voice of expectation and hope some women may hold onto in hopes of using sex to extort a relationship, or bargain their way into a relationship with a man. I want this advice to be the voice of reason when the emotions take over and one cannot think straight. A relationship does not start with casual sex. If a relationship is the object of desire I would recommend getting to know that person on an intellectual and emotional level first.