Tag Archives: self-help

Sex Is……

Sex Is Not the Medication That Will Make Your Mind Right.  That one sentence says it all. Casual sex should not be used to remedy any sort of emotional aliment.

Habitual Casual sex is a symptom, a band aid, a quick fix, self-medication and  it always often masks a deeper problem. Sometimes you are not even aware of what that problem is, you just know that sleeping around soothes, or comforts, you for a short time. What happens when you stop, when those partners have moved on and are not around? How do you deal with the loneliness or the anxiety? Are you craving sex or the intimacy?

Casual sex compounds situations such as  sexual abuse or rape because engaging in  casual sex can  make you  feel like you  are reliving the situation again.Consensual sex might trigger  a flashback of rape or abuse. The inability to say no but the desire to say no might leave you feeling confused. For some who have been  abused casual sex can be used as a form of punishment. Because of  the abuse some women  feel disconnected from themselves when they have sex. They are not present during the action and this can cause an unhealthy relationship with sex to begin. I remember having sex  with random people and in my mind screaming no, but instead moans came out.  Sex became my prison  I had to  suffer through this torture.I was hurting myself with sex. My whole view of sex became warped, it was ugly, bad, a burden, a chore, all because I used sex to help me escape from the conflicts raging  in my mind. Sexual abuse allowed me to disconnect and disassociate during my casual sex encounters. I wasn’t there, that wasn’t really me sleeping with all those men. Because I wasn’t there emotionally during sex, I felt nothing for those men. They meant nothing to me. I was in control, I was the sexual aggressor, by not saying no they couldn’t force me into doing anything I didn’t want to. My story is not does not speak for every woman. Not every woman who has been raped, or molested engages in casual sex. For me, that was just what I ended up doing, it was my way of trying to resolve the confusion in my mind. Sex was my escape, I could use it to get things, it was my band aid, and my medication. Only, sleeping around made it worse. Here I was, saying yes, but thinking no, and feeling disgusted at them and at me afterward.Along with drugs and alcohol this is the worst form of self-medication especially if you have been raped, or abused.

I’m guilty of using casual sex as a bandage for my broken heart. I did this all the time with my on and off again boyfriend. As soon as he left me, that same day, I was in bed with someone else. If I was not under the influence I could not ignore the ache in my chest as I was tossed around  by some faceless man. Its not that sleeping with someone else made me forget him, it just made me feel like I was hurting him. In reality, I was only hurting myself, I got no enjoyment from the sex except a false sense of “Look of who’s crying now.” Casual sex won’t mend your broken heart it might just cause an even bigger ache.

Sex is not the cure for low self-esteem or lack of self worth. Sex is not the price you have to pay to get the worth that  you thought you gave away back. In my book I mention an example of having sex in my teens with a guy I liked and he rejected me soon after. He ignored my phones calls, and eventually ended up telling me to leave him alone. At that young age I thought I had lost my worth, I really believed that he took it, he had it, and I wanted it back. I thought that sleeping around would validate my worth. Men wanting to have sex with me meant that I was attractive,and  beautiful.That was a false sense of self-worth and self-esteem.  I can’t stress this enough, “You were born with self-worth it is not something any man or woman can give to you or take away from you. Self-esteem is something you find, it has nothing to with anyone else.”

Is casual sex your drug, or do you use it as therapy? Only you can fix you, not a man, and not a dick, that is why sex is not the medication that will make your mind right….

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Selling Your Sex,Pop Culture and Real Life

I made it personal this time, its not just selling sex, it’s selling Your sex. Many women do this, thinking maybe it is freeing, its empowering, this is feminism to be able to prance around half naked, and gyrate on stage or in public without being objectified. Well, not only are you objectifying your self but you are allowing and encouraging others to objectify you as well. Pop culture is saturated with women selling their sex, using their sexualtiy to build an audience, to stand out, and to sell whatever product it is they are endorsing.I can think of countless of names but to me these women are irrelevant because they know that what’s on camera does not always translate well in real life.

Very few women are able to monetize substantially, if at all, from selling their sexualuty. I am not only referring to sew workers but to women, especially young women that use their sexuality as a tool to  for whatever purpose. They walk around ass cheeks hanging out, stomach out, breasts out, and they call it empowering, they say its freeing, and if you objectify them you are the lowest of the low. What these young women don’t understand is they are objectifying themselves, “look at me,” “look at my body,” even I a heterosexual woman looks not at them, but at their exposed body parts because in that moment that’s all I see. You choose the way people treat you most of the time. If you treat yourself like a toy other people will treat you the same way, why should I care or respect her if she doesn’t respect herself?

When you sell your sexuality you leave yourself  open to harsh criticisms, people look at you with a microscope, “look at her cellulite, her thighs touch, her butts too flat, her boobs are uneven, her ass is hanging out, ” you feel the heat of their eyes scrutinizing every inch of you looking for the perfection they may see in a magazine or on TV but this is real life.  Is worrying about cellulite and stretch marks empowering? Is trying to look as perfect as the airbrushed images in the magazine that freeing? If  you walk out and every guy hits on you does that make you beautiful? What happens when the whistles, and honks stop? Selling and owning your sexuality are two different things. Owning your sexuality is not dependent on the attention of other’s.

Real life is very different than a music video, or movie. Many of these women don’t  care about half of what they are getting paid to say or do, and  many don’t live  out their lyrics or  roles on TV  in real life. Young women don’t be fooled. Its one thing to sell yourself, be famous and make millions off it, its another to sell yourself for attention, or power, or love and have nothing to show for it. I’ll tell you a secret, what you have on your chest and between your legs every woman has. You’re no more special than the next woman. Educating your mind is how you empower self. Self- awareness is freedom.

Last point. Sex is not about murdering your vagina, its not about beating it to the point where you can’t walk, or where you bleed,  and it’s not about tearing you a new one. That’s brutality, unless you enjoy pain. Sex should be enjoyment for you and your partner.

I really enjoyed this video and its something all women and men should listen too.

Star

I was told that I would be star. I should be a star because I was a cute toy that was fun to play with. My nakedness would shine through the darkness blinding men and they would worship me.  I was told I would be a star and I was encouraged to do porn.I sold sex and I made it look easy because I was a star in their eyes. I was perfection, a woman almost unattainable but within their reach. I don’t want to be a star for men to look at, or play with. I am a star shining for the broken hearted, the sexually abused, the ex prostitute, the promiscuous girl you went to highschool with, the woman that cuts herself, and the woman who starves herself from time to time. I am that voice, and I will tell my story, our story of survival. Being able to tell my story shamelessly and help other women is what makes me a STAR.

Read some of my life story in my book Casual Sex is for the Shallow.

Its Okay

Having Casual Sex and getting attached does not make you unintelligent or immature it just makes you human. I dont believe in slut shaming. I don’t believe in insulting a woman based on the way she has sex. I don’t believe in telling women to suppress their emotions. It is okay to make mistakes especially with your sexuality, granted some are more permanent than others. What I give you here on this blog is real life experience you wont find it written in a text book, its something that can’t be taught. I am not ashamed of my past, of feeling rejected at times, of feeling like I had pussy power, of using sex as a tool,  or of being vain and shallow about sex . It’s all okay. For the women that have casual sex and feel worthless or used Ive been there to0, and that’s normal. Just know that you already have worth within yourself and that you were not used you made a choice. Its okay to feel, to cry,  to get depressed over a guy you had casual sex with, it IS normal and  its part of being human.Trust me you will get over it, thats a promise :).

Why I Wrote Casual Sex Is For the Shallow

I wrote this guide because I found myself surrounded by broken hearted women and if I wasn’t surrounded by them my sister was, or my friends were. So many women hurt over sex, and what some man did to them; wanting, yearning, going crazy almost in an attempt to understand why, why not them? Why did this man choose to treat them this way and not someone else? Why had they had three or more sexual partners and no relationship? Why was he ignoring them? Why couldn’t they get over him?
In today’s society women are saturated with the shallow woman’s superficial story. Hollywood makes it look so easy: this beautiful woman has a one night stand and the guy ends up marrying her. Or she’s sleeping around with multiple partners and she has no emotional, relational or psychological issues. I wanted to use examples of women engaging in casual sex that are not represented because casual sex often times does not have a fairy tale ending. 

For some women this is real life. Theses are questions they are faced with daily. How do they answer these question?  The best thing is education, having a conversation about casual sex. Not every woman understands that casual sex is casual sex, some don’t know the meaning of  casual sex. If a woman feels rejected after a one night stand, or her friend with benefits end their arrangement and she feels hurt does that make her immature and unintelligent? No, its normal especially as a woman to experience emotional attachments especially when engaging in c sex of any kind, it  is normal to feel rejected . Having emotions and getting attached is part of being human and being able to express them in a healthy way is normal.

Women need something that will protect their minds as well as their bodies and my book is is. Happy Reading!

 

Loose Strings

I’m so numb I can’t feel for myself far less for anyone else at times. Being numb is how I survived.Having been sex worker for a short time and being as promiscuous as I was  people always assume that I was a cold, callous and a heartless woman. Of course I had to appear to be that way I had to look out for myself. Because I never felt inclined to end a casual relationship I have a lot of loose strings left hanging around.

These strings haunt me. I’m afraid to see them again. I don’t want them to see me, the girl that has scarred herself so deeply that the skin is raised, I don’t want them to see me the size 1 that is now a size 2-3, I don’t want them to see me weak and defenseless and human. Loving someone else made me sofer, loving myself made me softer too, and being loved made me desire the tenderness and comfort of a loving relationship. I don’t like showing just anyone that I am human.

My loose strings show up at my front door unexpectedly,they call me on the phone, and message me on facebook, I even see them in them in the supermarkets. Some leave me gifts and cards wanting to know why I just stopped communicating with them ? They seem to care so much and yet I care so little. I feel an inkling of compassion for some, those who have been there since the beginning, some were even better to me than my “actual friends.” But I don’t care enough to communicate with them, I make broken promises, I say I’ll text or call, I lie and say I’ve moved, and I don’t pick up the phone.

I thought casual sex was supposed to be no strings but that’s impossible isn’t it. I share common knowledge that with each individual one, it’s not something that plagues my mind, but its stored somewhere in the back of my brain. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to be found by any of them, I don’t want to experience this person’s xray vision remembering my body, the sounds I made, the way I felt, and the things I said. I don’t want to feel that shame that my boyfriend feels when he wonders what I guy have been with and what type of sex I had with them.

I made a rule to never date a guy had casual sex with and guess what? I’m sticking to it. I made one exception, he was the only exception and thankfully he was the right exception.

This to you, all of you, every single one of my loose strings, you’re mine because our memories belong to me. I know I will be the last one to forget even though I was the first to let go. I hope you find this one day when you’re older, when I’m a fading memory, when you have a daughter of your own then maybe you will understand why I treated you the way that I did :

I hate you, or something very close to hate. You disgust me, in fact I find you very repulsive.  I don’t want to be friends with you, nor do I want to talk to you. You could never keep that disgusting thing away from me, I hate how easily you showed me  your weakness.You are bothersome, why can’t you let you?  Why can’t you leave me alone? I used you for various reasons, sex included.  You are nothing but a shameful notch in my belt, and  one number out of many. I want to hurt you. I want to give you misery. I want to give you pain even though you did nothing to me that I didn’t want and if I didn’t want it I know I never bothered to mention. I don’t get rejected, I do the rejecting so stop getting in my way and preventing me from being happy. Forget me, my sex is the only thing you know about me anyway. But if this was just casual why do I feel uncomfortable letting you go? Why can’t I face you? I don’t want to be cruel so please leave me alone.

I shared this today on my blog because this is a reality of casual sex that needs to seen, this is not gold star sticker sex, this is not a fairytale, there is nothing casual about exchanging bodily fluids with someone else.You may be like me and never admit it, but I will admit  that I feel, I have feelings, I feel bad for hurting others and it hurts letting go of , and the regret hurts too.  I wanted to give my readers a peak into my mind when I was involved  in the  casual sex lifestyle, my feelings, and thoughts then and now. Casual sex is not a game there are very real consequences that follow you, some for the rest of your life.