Casual sex was my comfort, my defense, sex was a tool that I used, the action that brought dopamine to my dopamine deprived brain. Casual sex did not make me depressed, instead for me, it was a symptom of my depression. Back then I probably looked like a shallow slut to my peers but It was my bandage. I needed it to feel good, my teenage mind could not understand that I was harming myself. And like smoking a joint , or drinking too much, it just added to the longevity of my depression and when those minutes, hours of “fun” were over the things that plagued my mind were still there.
I went from casual sex, to drinking, to smoking, to cutting, to doing all those things simultaneously. I am the master of self-medication, unfortunately. I missed out on learning how to soothe myself in a healthy way, self comfort for me is always self destructive. Hurting myself comforts me even at my age, I feel pathetic admitting this but I am just being honest.
I got into a serious relationship, a long distance serious relationship, and casual sex, drinking and smoking all went out the window, and cutting remained. I always say that it has been the one constant source of comfort in my life which saddens me, it grieves me. I am in anguish to feel that taking a blade to my skin soothes me, but it does, it delivers the dopamine to my brain, the dopamine that I need. It is a coping mechanism that I wish I never tried. A malady that after 7 years I cannot rid myself of. When I cut myself I can see better, I am seeing from eyes that are not my own, I automatically snap out of whatever kind of emotional meltdown I am experiencing, I can focus better, I can rationalize better,like someone chasing their first high I think if I cut some more maybe I will feel even better, it is a terrible addiction, you do not want to deal with this and I do not wish this on anyone.
I was on antidepressants but my feelings were monotonous. Life is not meant to be lived in one note there are ups and downs its learning how to manage those ups and downs is what counts.Being an unfeeling zombie that is constantly gaining weight or starving oneself and self mutilating? You choose? Since I have gotten off my medication I went back to starving and cutting, starving and cutting and thoughts of suicide. And I wonder if I was not in a relationship would I have gone back to casual sex too?
I am caught in the cycle of self harm and depression. I just substitute one behavior for another.
I cut myself this time, recently after over a year of being cut free. This time I disassociated while cutting, I saw myself cutting my wrists and I did the oddest thing I took the blood on my wrists and smeared it across the walls of my bedroom, and I am watching myself do this odd behavior and thinking, “this is not normal, why are you doing this” but I could not stop. As I did this I saw flashback of that nine year old child, I was her sitting on the floor scratching at her legs for the first time I felt like her, I saw her and it scared me. Yes what I just wrote is disturbing but it does not make me any less human, or any less lovable, or less than the next person that just cries or copes with stress in a healthier manner.
Despite my struggle (and believe me when I say every bleeping day is a struggle) I fall on the ground and curl up into a ball and cry sometimes because I feel like I don’t have the strength anymore but I keep picking myself back up. Starving, bleeding from cuts, dizzy from lack of food I still pick myself back up. Life is a journey with many winding roads, you will fall maybe more than those around you but what matters is that you keep picking yourself back up, you tried. Keep trying, fight to live, life is a gift so keep fighting to live.
People may read this and tell me I need help, saying that to me is counterproductive because I know that I need help.I am blessed that I am able to function and no one knows unless I tell them, I’m like that functioning alcoholic that does everyday things. Of course I know my behavior is unsustainable.I hope people read this and thank God that they have a sound mind, its a sad thing to watch yourself deteriorate, relapse, or be sick mentally. It is sad when you can see it but you are unable to stop. I never will be 100 percent healed or perfect because I am only a mere human. But in my imperfection I can offer and give you my story so you know that if you are struggling like me you are not alone, or if you have someone you love going through this maybe it will help you understand them better.
I am a Christian and I suffer from these maladies of the mind, it does not mean that God loves me less. God is with me in those time of depression, He sees me, He cares for me, I’m sure His heart is grieved, with His strength ,mercy and His unconditional love to want to love me in this state, He is my hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
I hope this inspires you to live, fight to live.