Casual Sex Brought me Closer To God

Some people might find this offensive but it is my truth. When I was younger I looked down on promiscuous girls, I heard about them in my middle school classroom. I saw the girls bully some of them and I thought that because they were having sex outside of marriage that they deserved to be bullied. I may have been a dork but at least I wasn’t a whore, and I was going to heaven. I can laugh now at the thoughts of that 13 year old child. Isn’t it human nature to want to feel that we possess something that makes us better than the next person? At this point I did not understand God, I did not understand grace or mercy. I paid no attention to scripture I was going through the motions of Christianity.

Then the switch went off the fragmented memory of what happened to me when I was 9. I started acting out. I was starving myself and jumping out windows. I became one of the girls I made fun of. I was teased and bullied by some girls who thought they were doing their due diligence of reprimanding my promiscuous ways. I still went to church with my parents but I secretly started hating other Christians because of their false sense of holiness. Their obsession with purity disgusted me, your vagina being intact has nothing to do with your relationship with God. I believed in God, I prayed, I told all the boys I had sex with about God but why couldn’t I stop having sex? Did God love me less? Had He forsaken me during this time of promiscuity?

I struggled to keep my head above spiritual water. I was that lost sheep. I strayed many times and I relapsed often. My sexual experiences were getting more and more extreme. Every time I fell back into sexual sin, every time I cut myself excessively  this verse condemned me “Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.” Mathew 14:45.  I had lost hope in myself. I had almost lost hope in God, can this God satisfy me? Did Jesus really die for me in all my sin?

Then I read the story of the woman at well, and I thought to myself I am her. I am that woman at the well searching for water that will last forever but I have been looking in all the wrong places. I was able to receive God’s grace and appreciate His mercifulness. Despite the judgment of men who could only see the superficial side of my actions God saw my heart. He saw the hurt, the pain  that fueled my sin, and He saw my heart, a heart that was crying out to Him.

Because of living a life steeped in sexual sin I am able to relate to more easily to others. I am able to offer love and a listening ear before I throw judgements at  others especially when it comes to sexual sin. I know that my words cannot convict a person of their sin only God can.

My God used someone as broken as me to help other women like myself. If God can love a woman such as myself He can love you too. He wants you. He calls the weary and burdened to come to Him. If you are tired of your lifestyle, tired of escorting, stripping, sleeping around, tired or relationships why not give God a try?

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2 thoughts on “Casual Sex Brought me Closer To God”

  1. The more I read your blog, the more your bravery shows through. Thank you for this piece, which makes the distinction between acceptance, tolerance and love (that I fell is common to all religions) and fanaticism or hypocrisy (which is common to the followers of all religions).

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