When you were 9 something horrible happened to you. There was nothing I could do but watch because I was only a child back then too. Because I was helpless at protecting you I carried you around out of guilt for years thinking that not forgetting about that horrible day would make it up to you, make it up to myself. You were burdensome. You shaped who I was, you shaped the person I became and all the while I was growing up and going through life making the decisions of an abused 9 year old girl. I used your pain to fuel my existence, you were the reason for going on and when I wanted to die you were my excuse. I blamed you for all the bad things I had done and for all the things I could never be. I had a hard time accepting your you and in turn I could not accept myself. And as much as I resented you for being 9, and for being helpless, as much as I wanted to move on with my life I continued to hold on to you out of guilt. Abbie this is goodbye. I’m not 9 anymore. I want to give you peace. You don’t have to hover over me like a dark a cloud anymore, you don’t have to look after me anymore. I survived. I have a hopeful future ahead of me. I’m happy, and even though I will never get closure from the man that hurt you and myself, I forgive him. I forgive myself for making bad decisions that only compounded what was done to me and to you. Letting go of you does not mean that I will forget you, how can I when you are part of me. You no longer define who I am. I’m moving on to a future without you and I am leaving you in the past. Before I close the coffin on almost two decades of keeping you with me, I want to tell you that I’m sorry that happened to you, I’m so sorry.
After I was abused at 9 I soon started calling myself by my other name Kelsey, I thought that Abigail( Abbie) was an unlucky name. I will always be separated from that child, and when I describe who I know I know is myself I always want to show the separation of self which I believe is common with children who have been abused.
I think a lot adults who have been abused as children have a hard time letting go of that child that was abused. I had a conversation with a fellow blogger, I appreciate her concern for me but I don’t need anymore medication nor do I need a therapist. She wanted me to get help because I admitted that I still cut myself every now and then, I exercise obsessively sometimes, I have flashbacks when I’m about to orgasm with my boyfriend, I’m numb and I can’t feel anything when I remember what happened to me at 9 and I don’t like to use my voice to vocalize what happened to me. I’m imperfect just like the next person, I will never be healed completely. I don’t need to dwell on what happened, Im blessed to be able to move on with my life. My advice to someone who has been abused is that what happened to you as a child does not define you, should not be your motivation to live. Let go and be free that is the best gift you can give to that child and to yourself. I am the master of self medication, I have tried medication prescribed by a psychiatrist and I have tried therapy. I do not feel compelled to dwell on it any further. There are people who need medication and therapy because the abuse was so severe, or because they can’t cope and that is fine too but you will never be healed completely.We have to stop aiming for completion when we want healing from abuse, it is not possible, and that is what makes us human. You will never go back to being the person you were before the abuse and that is okay. I will never forget and other victims out there will never forget the abuse but I don’t need to remind myself of it daily.Its okay to talk about it, cry about it, and remember it, that will never go away but you can have a life that is not inclusive of the abuse. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on if you can, and take those broken pieces and do something great with them by helping yourself first then helping others. Sexual abuse does not define who you are. There is hope, love, happiness, success and life after abuse.