Sex and Self-Harm

Sex and self-harm can often go hand in hand, even out of the sphere of sexual abuse. The first time I cut myself I was 18, I etched the word worthless into my arm with a needle. That began my love affair with self-mutilation.

It was my drug, my fix, it made me feel better than any man ever could. Because of years of sleeping around I was disconnected from myself, and my emotions. I did not know how to cope,or feel anything like a real person would. I was forever stuck in this role as a real, live sex toy. All the pain I felt, all the words I could not express, I took out on my skin. My scars speak when I can’t find the words to.

I worked at a very popular lingerie store and I met a girl there that cut herself too. She used sex as a means of getting a guy to commit to her, but it never quite worked out that way. A girl in my class also cut herself, and she slept around too.  When I hung around the pimp/ prorn producer I saw a girl drunk, dancing in the living room of some random apartment with scars all over her arm, just like me. Sex and self-harm is prevalent.

After half a decade of sleeping around, I needed to be drunk to have sex, or I needed to be high. It stopped feeling good. I couldn’t feel anything but I reveled in the male attention. After all, having sex was better than being alone, or being bored? Right? Needing to be under the influence of any type of mind altering substance to perform sexual activities with a man is self harm.The escorts do it, the women in porn do it, and if you have been having casual sex long enough you probably do it too, we all need something to take the edge off.

Because I slept around so much I had to be perfect physically. I starved myself because I wanted to be a fantasy.I had to maintain the flat stomach, the 19 inch thighs with a little space in between them. I basked in the glory of what some men thought was physical perfection. I never starved myself to the point of death, or it being too obvious. I starved myself to the point where I couldn’t sleep at night because I was so hungry and, my stomach would get swollen every time I ate.  I got a high off of being hungry. That is self-harm. No woman should have to starve herself for sex. Doesn’t casual sex sound liberating and empowering?

Some would say that my experience with casual sex wasn’t so bad. I got a long term relationship out of it. I got proposed to. I had numerous boyfriends. I went to marvelous parties. I met a few famous people. Superficially, it doesn’t sound so bad. It actually sounds fun, maybe to some.

But if you stripped me naked you would see my scars. Ugly, dark, and permanent like the constant turmoil inside my mind. How could I have been hurting myself for almost a decade? Even after I stopped sleeping around I couldn’t really stop.

The cutting began six months into my relationship with the man I am still with now. When I stopped jumping from man to man is when it caught up to me. Sleeping with multiple men was my way from running from rejection, it was my escape, it was my band aid, the thing that got me through a lonely night, it made me numb to the world, and it was the action that stroked my ego. 

Casual sex can be used as self-harm. If you’re having sex because you feel that you have no other option that is self-harm. Sex with a random guy because you feel worthless is self-harm. Sex is not meant to hurt you emotionally.Sex is not supposed to be a punishment.

My scars remind me that I am human. I am more than more than a sex toy. I can hurt and I can bleed. They remind me that I have feelings and having emotions is okay. They remind me that I am alive.

If you are struggling with self-harm, there is help. It’s not easy, but you will heal and recover. Your scars only show your tenacity, and that you got over a really hard time in your life. 

Help :

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds,” Psalm 147:3. Jesus is always an option. If no one else wants you He does,scars and all.


5 thoughts on “Sex and Self-Harm”

  1. Thank you so much for this post! Your words run through my mind as if I’d written them…wow. Just, like, I know where you’re coming from, and I really really appreciate you speaking about this so honestly. Much love x

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