Use and dump. Use and dump. That’s what sex with random men can start to feel like especially if you are not getting paid for it, thats just the honest truth. As I stated earlier, I started having casual sex in my early to mid teenage years, and I often felt like a dumpster afterward. I was the place they released their aggression, and stress. Often times they disgusted me. They were weak, disgusting and perverted men.
I remember being over at a friends house for a sleepover, and I remember her brother sneaking me out of her bedroom so he could have sex with me. I was so tired, and groggy that night from drinking and smoking that I just lay there, hoping he would finish. I lay there like a lifeless, emotionless waste can.
When I was a little older I moved to Arizona with my parents. There I met the man that introduced me to the sex industry. He made porn, he was a pimp, you know stuff like that. You see, at 18 I was still curious like a cat. One evening he invited me over to his apartment, this was before I knew what kind of “promotional modeling” he meant, he took me to meet all of his brothers who happened to live in the same complex. He introduced me to all of his friends and their fancy cars. Then he took me into his bedroom, which was dark like a dungeon, except that one of the windows were open. I will always remember that window which was just an arms length reach away. We’re in the bed and he’s kissing me, fumbling awkwardly with my body, when I tell him its that time of the month, sorry. But he insists, he is persistent, I whisper the word no,and he shuts the window. He proceeds to pull out my bloody tampon, I really don’t have a clue what he did with it. I just remember asking him to finish, and licking his ugly bumpy, hairy nipple, because that is the only way he would finish, he wouldn’t stop until he ejaculated. Not that he used the word ejaculated, I’m just trying to be proper.He then dumped his waste on my stomach. Here I was again, in the same position, a living, breathing, human waste can.
Cranberry and vodka always makes me sick. For some reason, men seem to keep it around when they want to get me drunk and have their way with me. I met this guy once, I can’t remember his name, but he was one of the most attractive men I have ever seen, or have ever been with. He had green eyes, olive skin, pink, soft, full, lips and his body was as chiseled as the statue of David. I went to his house with the intention of having sex with him, not with his father, and his father’s friend. Here I was drunk off of vodka and cranberry, with a dried out vagina, suffering through painful sex as his father wouldn’t stop until he was satisfied. I felt like a dead animal being dissected.But that is what casual sex is all about dismembering and dissecting the other person’s body. They had me arms pinned open, legs pinned open underneath the ceiling light in his father’s bedroom, as they tried to rub more lube on my vagina, so the son could finish and make his dad proud. Luckily, his dad’s friend was so drunk he couldn’t get an erection and all I had to suffer through was him rubbing his dirty dick on me. I wasn’t drunk enough to where I didn’t remember pieces of what happened, I was drunk enough to the point where I didn’t care.
As a teenage girl I loved having all the attention on me, that’s why I started having threesomes, with a guy and his cousin. One night, we were supposed to just hang out as friends but then of course they both got horny. I decided to have sex with the one I favored first. Thinking about it now, I did not get any physical gratification from this situation. Anyways, here I am 100 pounds looking up at this 200 pound guy as he thrusts me. It feels like hours because it hurts so bad. And finally he’s done. I can’t take anymore, but his cousin holds me down and begs and begs for his turn. I start to crawl away and he pulls me back down on the floor with him, its only going to take him one minute he keeps repeating. At this point I am too tired to fight, too tired to move so I lay there as he thrusts what has already been damaged and shredded. That minute felt like it was never going to end.There I lay on the floor, a broken and bruised dumping ground.
And the stories like this could go on and on. Sounds like fun right?
I know that I am not the only woman in the world with experiences like this. This is casual sex gone wrong is probably what the majority of you are thinking. But there is nothing casual about these situations which are all true, and which have all been watered down summaries of what happened to me.
For the teenage girl, and the woman out there who has experienced those things similar to this, I want you to know that you are not alone. This is the ugly side of casual sex that no one really wants to talk about,its not pretty, and it does not feel good.
Despite what I have done I still have worth. God still loves me and wants me. I took those pieces of the person I was and I made myself into a better person. Casual sex was not the be it and end all of me, after all I’m only 23. These painful, shameful, and embarrassing sexual experiences do not define me and they do not define you too.
Believe it or not, after you have finished abusing yourself sexaully, and letting men in your life use and dump their filth on you, there is life, love and hope.