Tomorrow

I have not posted a blog in quite some time because I have fighting through my depression and this has nothing to do with casual sex, or maybe it does. As of June of 2014 I went off my medication and I had a burst of energy and now I have spiraled back down. To anyone who is struggling through depression, self mutilation, thoughts of suicide, struggling with internal conflicts, struggling with lifestyle choices remember that TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY, A BRAND NEW DAY.

Thanks again to all of my supporters. God Bless.

The Nasty Truth About Casual Sex

Kelsey Cowie:

Do you really want to put yourself through all of that??

Originally posted on Sexpectations89:

I am going to tell you the stuff about casual sex that no one wants to think about let alone repeat out loud. It is an ugly truth. I am not saying this to scare anyone but it’s time to be honest about the realities of casual sex.

Do not trust the man or men that  you are having casual sex with. That’s a fact  that often gets forgotten during the moment.  Remember to always use protection, and by protection, I mean a condom.

If he is having casual sex with you, he probably is having casual sex with other women too. He isn’t obligated to tell you that four hours ago he had sex with someone else. He had sex with the someone else without a condom, and he didn’t get a chance to take a shower before he hopped into bed with you. We all know the…

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Thoughts…….

Mentioning the negative aspects of casual sex is not slut shaming. Pointing out the emotional trauma that casual sex can inflict is not slut shaming. Pointing out the difference between casual sex and an open relationship is not slut shaming. Sex positive is not the Opposite of Slut Shaming. I don’t need to be Sex Positive to have a healthy and Happy Sex Life.

Casual Sex and Statutory Rape

Kelsey Cowie:

When I think back to that 16 year old girl sleeping with a man in his mid twenties I can’t help but cringe. At 16 I thought I was an adult, I thought I handled sex more maturely than most adults did because I could not form attachments with the people I was sleeping with. Now I can say that at 16 I was just a child. My sex organs were matured but my mind was not. It sickens me to think of all the men that have sex with teenage GIRLS. They are girls not adult women. These men use and take advantage of a child’s mind and body and hide behind the fact that it was consensual, and that she “looks older.”
If I could I would tell him that he is a monster, no better than a child molester. He preyed on a girl who he knew was broken and weak and that makes him the worst.
I remember the lyrics to Alanis Morissette’s song Hands Clean, “We’ll fast forward to a few years later, and no one knows except the both of us, and I have honored your request for silence but you’ve washed your hands clean of this.” An adult having Sex with a minor is wrong and it is not to be accepted.

Originally posted on Sexpectations89:

I was 16 and he was my best friends 24 year old brother. I thought I was a woman back then because I shaved my vagina, wore thongs, pushup bras  and had sex. I thought I knew everything about sex and relationships. Back then, at the tender age of 16 I thought I seduced this man into bed with me. Arrogantly, I believed that I had power over him, that I was in control of the situation because I controlled erection.

He was engaged to a woman overseas when I met him, and I was sleeping around with any and everybody. I was lonely, even though I always had some guy on top of me. I thought that because he was older he would be able to understand me.

When we met he had this look of overwhelming lust in his eyes, and I thought it was funny.  Every time…

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Feminism, Casual Sex and Open Relationships

This is an educational piece and I would ask that everyone read this carefully. I was inspired to write this after having a discussion on Thought  catalog about casual sex. There is a lot of confusion that surrounds casual sex practices. Before you do it, know what is about then make an informed decision. Great news,  common sense does not require a degree. Happy reading :).

Casual sex and open relationships are like apples and oranges, both are fruits but both are different.

An open relationship is where both partners agree that they can have sexual relations with others. I have no experience with open relationships so I can’t say much on it but I do believe a lot of women pushing for this Casual  Sex Movement/Hookup Culture, and its” freedoms” want and are involved in open relationships. They want the relationship and emotional connectedness that casual sex lacks, and they want the freedom of sleeping with other people or mainly  the ability to accept openly that their partner is sleeping  with other people without feeling humiliated or judged. In my book I mention   that women want the intercourse and men want the sex. When you join private parts its called sexual intercourse, with an open relationship it seems that both parties get what they want? I believe that some of these feminist, and women really want a relationship because  they talk about connecting with the other person. Casual sex is not about connecting emotionally, lets join private parts, that is the only connection. When I hear women defending casual sex as this emotionally satisfying situation that is not selfish, and has regard for the other person and people around them  I think, “You my dear are misinformed,”if that is the case you are not involved in the casual sex  lifestyle.

The pattern I see is women still wanting the relationship, the connection, the friendship, the care, and  the concern, so why shove this idea of casual sex and its perks down other peoples throats when you have not experienced, or lived it, when you want a relationship and not casual sex? Why encourage other women , young women to go down a path that more than likely leads to misery when you get to have your cake and eat it too.  I would ask that these women, and  men stop misleading our youth about casual sex and talk about their convenient open relationships instead.  

It is essential to define the relationship because then you can properly act and make an informed choice. Casual sex is that  grey area  between black and white but its still grey, and the fact that it is grey is not left up to perception its factual. How you navigate through an open relationship is completely different from how you would engage in casual sex. One is inclusive of a relationship, connection, and sharing, a soft place to rest your head at night knowing that this man is there, the other is lonely, there is no care or concern and there should be no expectation of any form of emotional support.

Casual sex then becomes the cop out  and scapegoat for an open relationship. No woman really wants to admit that, “Hey I’m in an open relationship, he has sex with whoever he wants, I have sex with who I want but we support each other emotionally, we just choose to have different sex partners simultaneously or at the same time.” Be honest, it’s a little embarrassing, and humiliating. Stop pushing polyamory and disguising it as casual sex. Besides society is more accepting of casual sex than of open or polyamorous  relationships. .People understand having multiple partners to a point but its harder to understand being in a relationship but wanting to have sex with other people and the other person having knowledge of that. One must ask the question then why even bother being in a relationship? Does that man even love or care about you? Do you really care about him? So some choose to call it casual sex, which is insulting to anyone like myself who has engaged in casual sex and it is misleading to the people who have not engaged in casual sex.

There is confusion about what casual sex is and isn’t. The word “casual”  is lack of commitment ,devoid of emotion, and sex is your penis or vagina, putting t the two terms, action and parts, together  there is no room left  for concern, or this lasting partnership or friendship; if so you  were  or are more than likely in an open relationship.  ” Casual sex” is supposed to be easy, no stings,  but because of  the way our bodies fit together during sex it does not work out that way all the time. Someone,  more than likely the woman catches feelings from just the touch of a penis and she is confused. The act of sex alone tells you that there is nothing casual about it, yet some  continue to push the notion that “casual” sex exists. There is nothing casual about a penis penetrating your vagina. I don’t understand why feminist get angry when I say that casual sex is selfish, its supposed to be, isn’t that what they are fighting for “sexual freedom”and  women can have sex just like a man.” But no, they are mistake and confused because they don’t even understand what casual sex is, they bend it to fit a convenient description of an open relationship. And we go back to the point that women engaging in casual sex want some form of a RELATIONSHIP.

 Casual sex is selfish, no one goes out of their way to have a one night only to consciously think about how it will affect the next person. Who does that? Seriously, in what world, what fantasy, fairy tale, fiction does someone have casual sex with you and think hmm I wonder how she will feel afterwards? How will this affect my family and friends close to me? This type of thinking is not realistic. And if you do have casual sex with that mindset it is not for you.

Don’t get an open relationship confused with casual sex. Please, ladies for your own well being don’t confuse the two. If you want an open relationship fine, if you want to have casual sex that is fine too, but please don’t hide behind one and skew its meaning because your lifestyle is not as accepted.

You need to respect the behavior and live in the reality of the situation not a sugar coated version of what it could be, not a rationalization that casual sex or an open relationship is this great amazing experience full of love and care, and connection. Stop pretending. In this  moment I ask, that you be real with yourself.

Intimate Matters

Kelsey Cowie:

Very Informative piece. Happy Reading :)

Originally posted on See, there's this thing called biology...:

America is a funny country, we have these strange attitudes towards sex, kind of a blend between uptight puritan values and anything goes. You may think those two extremes could not exist together, but I assure you, we somehow manage to pull it off. Sex is in your face 24/7, on your TV, in advertising, music videos, on billboards. Sex is everywhere and apparently everybody is having a great deal of it. On the other hand, we love to revel in the darker aspects, perhaps as some kind of defensive declaration that we do after all, have some standards?

Very few people want to talk about healthy sexuality. It’s simply not done. Our churches certainly don’t want to touch it with a ten foot pole, and neither do our schools. Politicians avoid it like the plague, any mention of sexual matters in their case, usually involves scandal. We are both…

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I’ve Been Attacked

Again some feminists don’t like to admit the truth about casual sex, or listen to someone elses not so fairy tale like experience… If you have had a bad casual sex experience it does not make you unintelligent, you don’t need a degree to validate your experience. This is not an ideology this is real life and my aim is to help and educate all women regardless of what they believe. I am here to encourage all women to share their story good or bad, and know that they are not alone.

This Is What Is Really Wrong With Casual Sex

Kelsey Cowie:

I appreciate the author’s opinion to a point. Casual sex is a choice. Its another side of casual sex, but she fails to cover the grey area. Some of the comments though…..sheesh…

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

A few days ago, What’s So Bad About Casual Sex? was published on here. And while everyone is free to have an opinion, I have to say sincerely that article was not a reflection of what casual sex does in its entirety to people, and to society. And yes, while we are all informed by our values, there are some observable facts in society. And indeed when creating an argument, that argument must at least reflect observable facts in society, which I do not believe that article did.

I remember reading a book called The Sexual Revolution a few years ago that discussed it as a twenty-first century mistake. The book, like it or not, laid down some very serious consequences of this societal sexual revolution – some being higher divorce rates, broken homes, single-family homes, the explosion of sexually transmitted infections, and of course the severe increase in abortions…

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Sex Is……

Sex Is Not the Medication That Will Make Your Mind Right.  That one sentence says it all. Casual sex should not be used to remedy any sort of emotional aliment.

Habitual Casual sex is a symptom, a band aid, a quick fix, self-medication and  it always often masks a deeper problem. Sometimes you are not even aware of what that problem is, you just know that sleeping around soothes, or comforts, you for a short time. What happens when you stop, when those partners have moved on and are not around? How do you deal with the loneliness or the anxiety? Are you craving sex or the intimacy?

Casual sex compounds situations such as  sexual abuse or rape because engaging in  casual sex can  make you  feel like you  are reliving the situation again.Consensual sex might trigger  a flashback of rape or abuse. The inability to say no but the desire to say no might leave you feeling confused. For some who have been  abused casual sex can be used as a form of punishment. Because of  the abuse some women  feel disconnected from themselves when they have sex. They are not present during the action and this can cause an unhealthy relationship with sex to begin. I remember having sex  with random people and in my mind screaming no, but instead moans came out.  Sex became my prison  I had to  suffer through this torture.I was hurting myself with sex. My whole view of sex became warped, it was ugly, bad, a burden, a chore, all because I used sex to help me escape from the conflicts raging  in my mind. Sexual abuse allowed me to disconnect and disassociate during my casual sex encounters. I wasn’t there, that wasn’t really me sleeping with all those men. Because I wasn’t there emotionally during sex, I felt nothing for those men. They meant nothing to me. I was in control, I was the sexual aggressor, by not saying no they couldn’t force me into doing anything I didn’t want to. My story is not does not speak for every woman. Not every woman who has been raped, or molested engages in casual sex. For me, that was just what I ended up doing, it was my way of trying to resolve the confusion in my mind. Sex was my escape, I could use it to get things, it was my band aid, and my medication. Only, sleeping around made it worse. Here I was, saying yes, but thinking no, and feeling disgusted at them and at me afterward.Along with drugs and alcohol this is the worst form of self-medication especially if you have been raped, or abused.

I’m guilty of using casual sex as a bandage for my broken heart. I did this all the time with my on and off again boyfriend. As soon as he left me, that same day, I was in bed with someone else. If I was not under the influence I could not ignore the ache in my chest as I was tossed around  by some faceless man. Its not that sleeping with someone else made me forget him, it just made me feel like I was hurting him. In reality, I was only hurting myself, I got no enjoyment from the sex except a false sense of “Look of who’s crying now.” Casual sex won’t mend your broken heart it might just cause an even bigger ache.

Sex is not the cure for low self-esteem or lack of self worth. Sex is not the price you have to pay to get the worth that  you thought you gave away back. In my book I mention an example of having sex in my teens with a guy I liked and he rejected me soon after. He ignored my phones calls, and eventually ended up telling me to leave him alone. At that young age I thought I had lost my worth, I really believed that he took it, he had it, and I wanted it back. I thought that sleeping around would validate my worth. Men wanting to have sex with me meant that I was attractive,and  beautiful.That was a false sense of self-worth and self-esteem.  I can’t stress this enough, “You were born with self-worth it is not something any man or woman can give to you or take away from you. Self-esteem is something you find, it has nothing to with anyone else.”

Is casual sex your drug, or do you use it as therapy? Only you can fix you, not a man, and not a dick, that is why sex is not the medication that will make your mind right….

One Lovely Blog Award and Very Inspiring Blog Award

I am very grateful to be nominated for the this Award by http://beginninglifeat43.com/. She has been very supportive of my work and I appreciate  her encouragement, and words of wisdom. I am so grateful to have met her through blogging  reading her comments and her posts always makes me smile and on top of that she has a very cute granddaughter.

I would also like to thank http://freestylerevolution.wordpress.com/ she is a lovely person. I enjoy having discussions and conversations with her on my blog. I love her input and she has really helped me feel welcomed in the blogging community.

Both bloggers have inspired me to keep writing and to keep sharing my story.

7 Facts about Myself

- I am the author of Casual Sex is for The Shallow

- I am the youngest of 3 children 

- I am a pet owner to a lovely cat named Caramel

-I am a homebody, I don’t like leaving my house… 

- I struggle with depression, anxiety, self- mutilation and the occasional self starvation, so I came up with this blog to help and inspire other women who struggle. No one could ever see my pain, they only say a “beautiful” woman and that made it harder for me because no one could see my suffering. No matter who you are, what you look like, or where you are from, we are all human :)

-I love Chocolate

-I love helping others…its very rewarding for me.

I am accepting two awards so I will place the rules for both: One Lovely Blog Award :

Thank the person who has nominated you. Provide a link to his/her blog.
List the rules and display the award image.
Include 7 facts about yourself.
Nominate 15 other bloggers and let them know that they have been nominated. This is a way to introduce others to bloggers that you love.
Display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.

Rules for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award

The nominee shall display the Very Inspiring Blogger Award logo on her/his blog, and link to the blog they got nominated from.
The nominee shall nominate fifteen (15) bloggers she/he admires, by linking to their blogs and informing them about it.

And the Nominees For the Inspiring Blogger Award are :

1.http://createtohealpain.wordpress.com/

2.http://insanitybytes2.wordpress.com/

3.http://thecandidspot.wordpress.com/

4.http://imaginarypowertrip.wordpress.com/

5.http://ronovanwrites.wordpress.com/

6.http://blog.godinterest.com/

7.http://journeyofkylie.com/

8.http://kheleya.wordpress.com/

9.http://behindsexaddiction.wordpress.com/about/

And The Nominees For One Lovely Blog Award are:

1.http://400wordsforwomen.com/

2.http://dearmenofla.com/

3.http://songtothesirens.com/

4.http://singlechristanwomen.wordpress.com/

5.http://havau22.wordpress.com/

6.http://notmirandacane.wordpress.com/

7.http://littlegirlintherain.com/

Since I was nominated for two blogs I decided to combine the two. All of these bloggers have inspired me in one way or another  and I wish them all the success. Again I want to thank the two bloggers that nominated me for the  two different awards I feel  really blessed and honored. I would also like to thank my followers and those who have read and participated on my blog, and read my book I appreciate your support, you motivate me to keep writing and to keep sharing my story. Let’s change help change lives for the better one word at a time :)

very-inspiring-blogger-award    one-lovely-blog1